of loss and holding breath
POSTED AT 03:28 PM

cruboy

and though i loose things and stuff almost daily; heck in my entire life, i would have thought that i should be used to it by now. i suppose there are some things that i just can't seem to let go. i could still remember the sadness when this piece of lego brick that i lost when i was nine... it was very essential to the aesthetics of the helicopter i built.  the barkada's high school journal which i should have never lent to a friend on the fear of it not returning... well it never did... or this towel that had my initials that i got from a college crush on a christmas exchange gift... or this silver bracelet that was given to me by a friend... or my very first guitar and then of course the most recent my green jacket... such sadness... sniff.  i seem to get attached to things that define me somehow, but who would not be.  everything that we have are extensions of who we are... and though they are not our very limbs, we sometimes grieve over it like it was.  its absence affect us somehow... such sadness.

"whatever you can lose, you should reckon of no account."-syrus

i guess it is some sort of life and death cycle for things we own... we are bound to loose things eventually, or them loosing us... i would assume that there will be some stuff i own that would out live me for sure.  but that's that... everything is temporal, i suppose i am to enjoy what ever i have right now, cause i'm bound to loose it for sure.  and this applies for other important things, but i don't to go to deeper topics.

the upside to loosing stuff i suppose is the excitement of trying to get a new one, an upgrade. i was particularly challenged to find an exact copy of the jacket i lost, if not find a better one... it had been two weeks since, going over through malls and shops all over the metro. it was a bit particular so it came to a point i almost gave up, but i eventually found something... better.

so i guess the moral of it all is that things are bound to screw up and be lost... but then there present itself an opportunity for something better to come along, that is if you do not give up.  and this applies to the other important things that i do not want to go deep into. 

after a loss...somehow something better comes along, it's just a matter of how long i can hold my breath.

(inhaling lots of air)

Listening to: sigur ros - hoppipolla
Watching: glee season 1
Feeling: devious

damn the flood
POSTED AT 03:51 PM

cruboy

"what quarrel, what harshness, what unbelief in each other can subsist in the presence of a great calamity..."

10:45am. i woke up because my dog was barking, not the usual bark due to hostile intruders, but more like a 
bark for help... still in bed when i opened my eyes i could see water creeping inside my room from the door... immediately i realized: the puppies in the living room! sure enough in ankle deep water the puppies were floating everywhere, and so  are whatever stuff on the floor... when i found all six of them and put them over the table i went for the  power panel to turn off the electricity before i get electrified from all the extension wires running around the house.  the maid was out with my mother, my brothers and cousins were out for work, it was me and cousin ning who just got home that morning from albay who are in the house.  i woke her up somehow in my flurry of  making sure everything is unreached by the incoming water coming from everywhere. 

it was like an act of cleansing and purge; and the image of the great biblical deluge crossed my mind, this could be the end of it all. i looked all over the house and i had to prioritize items that will sustain the recovery first, clothes and beddings, and source of food. then i looked over my room, and made me think which i would save and spare and which of them i could let go.  tough choices, but i had to act.  priority had to go with most current and more expensive collections: books, toys and what nots. in two hours the water soon levelled but almost knee high in my bedroom which was the highest part of the house.  the water stayed awhile but by 4:00pm, there was only mud and ruin.

"...when all the artificial vesture of our life is gone..."

i did not realize how much stuff we had on the floor... whatever it was on the lower shelves are ruined. some cleansing, some purging... it was only mud and ruin... in the end it felt more like vengeance and spite... from nature... from god.  i lost two puppies eventually (they must have fallen off the table somehow) and some other stuff which we can live without... that was sad.  i felt worse when i found that my box of old letters got drowned... letters since grade school and up, wedding invites from college friends, memorabilia, silly love letters from high school and college, some journals from old high school barkadas that we pass around during class, tickets from all the plays and movie premiers i have seen, post cards from different places from friends and relatives... it may seem like a pile of junk, but it meant more to me...  sniff.

i am deeply saddened also to learn that others have suffered fate worse than i did, two of my officemates lost everything, others are still in waters... i could not even imagine how that must have felt.  should i be thankful?  it all seems callous... i refuse to be thankful, instead i pray that everyone who were affected by this disaster to have the strength and wit to survive, the perseverance and will to endure, the hope and faith to recover.

"...and we are all one with each other in primitive mortal needs." - gelliot

...damn the flood.

 

 

Reading: christ the lord: out of egypt - anne rice
Listening to: bridge over troubled water - paul simon
Watching: the borrowed sword
Feeling: damp, very damp

and now there is only one...
POSTED AT 03:22 PM

cruboy

yes, another one of the infamous phenom three is gone... the one i thought was more decent of the lot anyway... but i guess reforms are not well accepted in a traditionalist environment.  if you want to rock the boat, make sure you are tied up on the mast or else you're likely the one to fall off first.  i suppose that is what happened. direct conflict with your superior is crazy suicide... like downing cyanide and throwing yourself off a skyscraper surrounded by a moat of lava.  it is crazy suicide.

"a conservative is someone who believes in reform. but not now." - msahl

it is sad in a way cause some of the ideas our reformist had was great, he had a vision of a better work place much like what i a had a few years back until i became jaded.  he reminded me of that vision again, and i somehow felt validated; that i wasn't crazy alone or something. but like all mirages, it faded into the harsh barren reality when he was tossed overboard.  poor fella, i hope he had his lifesaver on or something. i’m no life guard to jump after him, never into that kind of deep waters anyway.

so we are now down to one, i guess surprisingly the most clever of the lot.  the last of the phenom has somehow assimilated into the system quickly. we have a class one chameleon, i suppose it is part of our survival instinct is to blend with the environment to elude the preying eyes. if you live in the river you should make friends with the crocodile. he manages to stay unnoticed for now and another day is another day.

on the side note, darwin is back from canada for a couple of weeks atleast. one of my high school classmates, like way freshman. so we had a reunion of sort, and it is good to know that something, and some people slightly change; still laughin about old jokes and making all those silly remarks and everything, it is also equally enlightening that there are also some serious talks about being married, having kids, about work and stuff, though i can only relate to some; moments of mature conversations that we would never have back in college... of plans for the future and all; though i can only relate to some, hehe.  it is good to be just talking with your old friends.

"the better part of one's life consists of his friendships." -amechado

Reading: christ the lord: out of egypt - anne rice
Listening to: stupid for you - marie digby
Watching: starwars new hope
Feeling: bored

recent viral writing
POSTED AT 04:42 PM

cruboy

its been awhile again since i have visited here and write... well i guess there needs some update here.

the evil phenom three is down to two... the diabolical prima donna could not take that she ain't the prime  diva in the office and decided to leave... not that it is anything to her, but the thing is it is not  anything for the rest of the office either... i wish i could be bothered to tell her that she won't be  missed, but i can't be bothered... i'm just too damned busy filling up the wholes she did not fill up the  first place.  huff. do i sound bitter?  well only for the fact that her stay was a complete waste of time  and resource.  huff.  i do sound bitter! in the famous words of gollum: "leave now and never come back!  leave now and never come back!"

the office had a recent outing, just an overnight stay in laguna for a hot dip in the pool, sing our hearts  content and drink the consciousness out... ok, i was the only one who did the last part.  man, senior cuervo  do have some mean kick! it is the first time i literally passed out from drinking... i guess the lack of  sleep helped.  but overall, i thought it was great fun... hell, if i felt fine passing out drunk with these  group of office mate then i guess i'm in fine company. it's the least i could say for taking care of me and  not letting me drown.

"enjoy life. there's plenty of time to be dead." - hcanderson

unfortunately a couple more officemate left for greener pastures, it would be difficult to hold them back  for reasons of posterity.  well, all i could do is bid them farewell and wish them the best.  to each his own  destiny, and mine is to sulk deep in work. i suppose i am ok. am i? ok, maybe not, i woke up with a stiff  neck that hurts.

many things to look forward to... there is the harry potter movie in the corner, and i have seen the  official teaser of the "the last air bender".  definitely something to look forward to indeed.   in line with the recent ah1n1 scare, virus are such a phenomenal creature (if i can call them that) indeed,  a microscopic infectious agent that can only reproduce inside a host cell, infecting all types of organisms  and are the most abundant type of biological entity on the planet.  without intellect, it survives, it lives  but with one purpose to propagate.  i remember agent saying something like humans are like virus infecting  the planet, i suppose there is some truth in that too. with intellect, we survive, we live but with one  purpose to propagate.

"survival is nothing more than recovery." - dfeinstein

 

 

Reading: nothing
Listening to: mos def - i against i
Watching: dave chapel show season 1
Feeling: in pain

of leaving unkindness and office drama
POSTED AT 05:27 PM

cruboy

it has been awhile again since i have written anything down... now i suppose is a more interesting time... some good friends are leaving the office and new faces coming in...

"a farewell is necessary before you can meet again." - rbach

leaving the unkindness behind... the raven with grace unmatched have left the nest, spreading its wings it soars off to the sunset, to another place... a better place. only this and nothing more.

the office have become a stage of drama... quite interesting actually... situational comedy, suspense and it might i suppose it has made the seemingly boring office scenario into a mini drama where i am both the audience and a player... it is not surprising that people behave in a certain way when confronted with a slight change... and it is not surprising either that people react violently when confronted with a drastic change. 

there are different personae that plays in the melodrama of the work place... we have the good old protagonists and of course the antagonists as well. the office villains may come in groups or individuals who would make somebody's work life a living hell, terrorizing you or make you feel uncomfortable; a looming threat that is waiting on your moment of weakness.  we have that sort in the office right now and we call them the "phenom three"... aptly coined by an officemate of mine... and are they phenomenally a handful. an interesting caricature of personalities so different and unique that it is just driving some of the people out of their mind.  for what purpose, i can only guess... but definitely interesting.

"calm, thinking villains, whom no faith could fix, of crooked counsels and dark politics." - apope

the roster of villains: the reformist, the prima donna, and "mr. i have done that too". 

the reformist is a visionary, who sees an ideal office scenario or working condition and would suggest and maybe implement them.  unfortunately, there are reformist who are those who just could not adopt into the current environment and then lobbies to change it to the environment they are accustomed. they will question tradition and will mark everything obsolete and passé.  reformists are proactive whiners.  the prima donnas on the other hand are just plain whiners... these people are obsessed with job titles and thinks everything not their equal as either spoiled favorite  or dispensable slaves. you will only hear them rant on how everything else makes them look bad (...because they are soooo great!?).  they will name drop people who they think are so cool, and pretend they are in the loop; but in reality are so clueless.  You cannot expect prima donnas to do menial work and they will at all opportunities possible take credit for good work.  the mr. i have done that too... are the pretentious jack of all trade... and yes they are still master of none.  these people would quickly say i have done this and done that, they will not take credit for work but they will say they have been greatly involved with it.  they normally have beefed up resume like high protein diet programs but have no absolute nutritional value.  the funny thing about them is they would normally try to pass the bucket to somebody else to fetch the water... and are the one who would give it back after the hard work from the well.

the other rosters of antagonist that might be found in the office are...  the gossipmonger, the secret spy, "i can never be wrong" man... of course we also have the sex maniac, the jerk, the heinous bitch and the flirt... the bigger the office the more personality varies... then the likeliness of having all sorts of office villains.

as for me... well, i'm still the demi god of herculean task. i say "bring it on."

 

Listening to: cat power - sea of love
Watching: the shinning
Feeling: devious