“in my end is my beginning.” -tselliot

i saw this rerun discussing about the best ending in all of literature... i suppose every story deserves an ending... it would not be one if it had none.  and i suppose there are some stories that need some sort of ending... i am not sure if it is the best but i do believe it is well deserved.  i guess the slice of my life has all been given away... all i have left are crumbs on the plate and i do not think i can serve that.

i guess it has come to a point when i might have to take some break.  all that i have been writings are pining and ranting of personal failures and the lack of meaning of it all... i think i have gone stale.  i would want to write about some other things but i think i have to find inspiration or motivation or drive or a new perspective.  i guess i need to climb higher from where i stand... broaden my view or something.

so what is the best ending... i do not know really... it has been said that the best literary ending was by flaubert's sentimental education.  i have not read the book, but then it has been said the ending was about two old friends remembering the best things that never happened to them. so how do we remember something that never happened? is it like wanting something we can never have or holding on to something that is not ours? maybe not. the purest form and the most reliable of pleasure was anticipation according to flaubert.  i guess everything that has happened to us has at some point disappointed us, while the very thing that will never be will forever intrigue us and excite us... so we think of it sadly and sweetly.  mono no aware.

“there can be no rainbow without a cloud and a storm.”  - jhvincent

so i guess despite the fact that the year has come to an end with some things that never happened i suppose i should try and remember it fondly.  i will be closer to fine.  so i guess this is how it will end for now.  looking forward to a better new year.

“sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to.” - nvpeale

Currently listening to: joshua radin and ingrid michaelson - sky
Currently reading: nothing
Currently feeling: hopeful

this side job i am doing is really taking its toll... the client seems to be getting her money's worth... in fact she demands to be so.  not that i am complaining but i don't think she realizes the gravity and complexity of the project that we are undertaking... working alone on it on hind sight is really not a good idea after all... i might really need some help.  but who could match up... i mean this is me, the demigod of herculean task asking for assistance... i should find somebody before things get fiery.

“if you only do what you know you can do - you never do very much.” - tkrause

i do not think ranting is helping, coming on either side, i get easily unmotivated and discouraged... i suppose the honeymoon period is over so the project now is getting more demanding and the time table gets shorter by the day.  it seems we are frustrating one another now... but being the service provider and not the client means that i have more to lose.  or then again maybe not.  i would not want to lose my milking cow, i would not want to trade it for a magic bean or anything... but then jack did find a goose that lays golden eggs so maybe it is not that bad after all.  those are all fairy tales... and i am not one to believe in them... i have become too jaded anyway.

“light is the task when many share the toil.” - homer

i have to find a way to fix this somehow... i should be true to my words.  commit to the deadline and stick with the program and give whatever the client wants.  i do not own my time so i should not procrastinate or slack.  sometimes being a professional has its drawback... paired with a difficult and stubborn client is not helping either.  these are just some of the time i would want to fast forward already... much like a lot of stuff in my life... but then where is the fun in that.  we will get there eventually.

there are some things however you just cannot wait for to happen.  time to take some preemptive inactions.

Currently listening to: ingrid michaelson - maybe
Currently reading: nothing still
Currently watching: invisible signs

down with the flu again... hate being sick... but then this is what i get for taking my health for granted... i have been burning too many candle for a lot of work and side work lately and working out a bit more seriously at the gym and at home... my body is asking for some attention... immediate it seems... been suffering fever for two night straight and the chill... i can't seem to keep myself warm with the fever, but then when it breaks i get soaked only for the fever to return again.  i am self medicating as always... but i think i will survive this yet again.

“most of the time we think we're sick, it's all in the mind.” - twolfe

i thinks i will survive this yet again.  i am picking up my own pieces... after getting broken chasing storms, but that would be a fault that is entirely my own. i went head on despite fair warnings... but hey, my mistake for taking chances on chanceless situations... shouldn't i get some points for guts and then some more for being stupid? things always don't go as planned half the time... and most of the time half planned things fly... my luck does not work on either. so here i am stomped.  but there are good friends around who care and then there is work and side work to occupy me.

“nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul.” - owilde

but i am down with the flu... and so here i go again.

Currently listening to: ryan woodward - thought of you
Currently reading: nothing
Currently watching: god of the arena
Currently feeling: recovering

it has been said the road to success is not an easy one... somehow i believe that.  i suppose now that i  am professionally older, personal projects are getting more lucrative and unfortunately demanding. i have come far and now i am reaping some of the benefits... maybe i should start to move on further... or maybe i just need to manage it and everything will be well... i suppose i am at a some sort of a bend... i am seeing the road continuing on ahead to an uphill... but what is there on top?  i don't know but christmas  is near and though lonely, it will not be without color or flare.

“the way out is the way through." - lrhubbard

i have come far... i was content in doing barber shops and ink refill and doing models and perspectives and power point and way finding and almost anything for extra money so i could save for reasons i do not know what for... these small works over the years have helped me survive and i should be thankful... hardly bought anything for me, not until it is necessary... i have hardly lived on my own with convenience, just enough to be content...  i am financially stable, debt free and without obligations and somehow that seems lacking... i think it is time i ask more for myself. working on that last bit, the last chase wasn't successful but i think i will be fine.

“victory is sweetest when you've known defeat.” - msforbes

i have come far enough... i think i should give myself some credit... i am now made of tougher hide, battle scarred and perhaps a little wiser than before. i have learned the basics and picked up a couple of tricks and honed my skills and i have gone through quite a few intense, action packed and zero odds scenarios.  i have fallen time and again and find myself picking up all my remaining pieces... well those that i manage to find... i have been left broken many times over but i have come back mended together by sheer will and moved on and still trudging over... and i am going to keep trudging even forever in place until i outlast all doubts and fear that holds me down and until i come even farther than before.

“when you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not 
hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” - hbstowe

Currently listening to: los lonely boys - heaven
Currently reading: nothing
Currently watching: real steel
Currently feeling: sore