quietly sad alone together
POSTED AT 11:59 AM

cruboy

i've been recently driven mad by someone, madly in love and hate, all mixed up i cant seem to figure which really.
it's amazing how somebody can easily pick you up on a high and leave you just as fast hanging out to dry... i'm all dried up and cracking.

it's a sad thought that you are remembered only when you are needed... well, there's a consolation... i'm still remembered... tihs!

"then share thy pain, allow that sad relief
ah, more than share it! give me all thy grief."-

its nice to be sad with someone, eh. i remember kristine saying that to me, and i found some truth in it... we just sat there in the auditorium together quietly sad alone together. she had her reason to be sad, i had my own reason to be sad but in that moment of sadness with her, i felt fine...
[img:394364]

Listening to: solitude - edwin mccain

of being in the dark and keeping in touch
POSTED AT 12:23 PM

cruboy

i dont remember being afraid of the dark... but hell being kept in the dark is another thing... there seems to be some failure of communications somewhere. i am definitely afraid of that.

alas, im guilty of that as well, keeping friends in the dark... its not intentional. i never was a talker... the only time i talk about something i'd want to do is when i badly need instructions or help; otherwise i'm kinda fine stumbling my way into something... yeah sometimes even love.

i also don't like to be in the receiving end of being kept in the dark, specially by someone who i happen to care about... maybe its some twisted form of jealousy or insecurity but heck, i just want to know.

"i call aloud; it hears not what i say
i stretch my empty arms; it glides away"

some friends are elusive, i guess its a fine indication that you're not really close. how do you over come it... i guess you can't. just go about your life and somehow if destiny allow, your path will cross again.
keep in touch, i reflect on it and i haven't been really in touch with friends, i guess i am natural loner... and i shouldn't be complaining on the situation i'm in.
keep in touch, its difficult to travel seperate lives and being in constant touch... nothing beats traveling life together...

never kept in the dark and always in touch.
Listening to: something about you - five for fighting

drowning in music
POSTED AT 07:19 PM

cruboy

people in the office sometimes complain i play my music loud, what they dont understand is i like getting drowned in the music... complete and utter immersion.
i just like hearing every sound and pound of beat. its like a different kind of high for me.
i like music in general and i have a wide range of taste... different music for different moods.

"and you can tell everybody this is your song,
it maybe quite simple but, now that its done...
i hope you dont mind as i wrote down this words...
how wonderful life is, while you're in the world."

i always thought it would be really great to have a soundtrack in your day to day life, the one that starts on cue to a memorable occasions... that would be so cool, sigh.
i have a particular list of songs that would trigger memories in an instant, music can be such a great photo album. remember your firsts, person, places, events...

i can't imagine life without music.
Listening to: silent sigh - badly drawn boys

circles and roles
POSTED AT 12:30 PM

cruboy

its amazing how much circles of friends we belong to, big circles and small circles, linked circles and circles within circles. some circles are unknown to the other, some unaccepted and some tolerated. its amazing how a person adopts to such social environment. im amazed of myself as well.

everyone of course have their own favorite circles, some circles you like because of a particular activity, or a particular person or a particular goal...either way, all those circles sums up to who we really are.
then there is the secret circle, a particular group of friends you dont want to share, the reason could vary from selfishness right down to vanity.

"If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain; If I can ease one life the aching, or cool one pain, or help one fainting robin unto his nest again, I shall not live in vain."

social chameleon or a social peacock, what i am... i could stand out and sometimes i could just blend right in a group... i sometimes get too loud and obnoxious and sometimes im quiet and serious. in a circle of friends sometimes you have to fill in a role, if somebody's loud, i'd be the quiet one. i could be the shoulder to cry on, or the shoulder to pat with...

circle

moving, moving through a path,
without start, without end.
forever forward but always
back from the beginning.
self centered, defines what
is within and without.
empty.
contains nothing, yet
is infinite on its' own.
spinning, spinning around nothing,
without thought, without concept.
distant from within but emanates
from nothing.
encompassing, subtracted,
abstracted, unknown.
whole.
embraces everything and nothing
on its fine endless thread.


Listening to: knocks me off my feet - stevie wonder

discourageous
POSTED AT 02:43 PM

cruboy

girls can be so squimish sometimes... well guys too. im not really that squimish... im down right filthy... haha and nasty. i guess it's an image thing, i mean girl being squimish. i think it's cute, well at certain extent... but of course it's a major turn on as well if a girl gets down right filthy and nasty too, haha.

saw "the last days of disco" recently, kate beckinsale is an eyeful.

surprisingly today im a bit happy, even though i'm really moping. i miss someone badly, someone who doesn't want to see me (that is just so sad...) getting turn down again is so tiring, not to mention chunks off major self esteem. well, i wasnt really turned down but i could see signs leading to heartbreak hill... i dont know if i want it straight up to my face or just fade out. sometimes straight up rejections better. trying to fade away leaves so many unresolved issues.

"ah, come not, write not, think not once of me
nor share one pang of all i felt for thee."

i am easily discouraged, if there is this one hint of dislike from a girl, i shy off slowly, and i do take "No!" seriously for an answer. perhaps that's the reason why i like out-going girls... not that i dont like shy good girls, in fact im crazy over them, maybe too crazy. i just dont act right with or comfortable around shy good girls. i admit im self conscious at certain degree, but i'm not conceited.

am i a nice guy? i guess, two girls friends i know have said im "harmless"... it really did sound insulting eventually after i've given it alot of thought. i never did understand the logic of it... there's no such thing as a harmless guy.


Listening to: how can i fall - breathe

im the penniless sitar player...
POSTED AT 12:17 PM

cruboy

im the penniless sitar player...

i hate money matters, and im not handling my finances right... recently my savings hasnt been improving... surprisingly, and i dont have a girl friend as of the moment... im bleeding money but i dont know where... (or i think i do, but im in denial)

i was thinking of buying my own car this october, but then maybe i should think about it some more.

i should have a cheaper hobby... im beginning to think that i cant afford my lifestyle anymore... can i just claim bankrupcy! i havent had a decent raise and my moonlighting jobs are scarce. i need an alternative source of income of some sort. sometimes crime has its certain appeal, sigh.

"how shall i lose the sin, yet keep the sense,
and love th' offender, yet detest th' offence?"

i wish i was born rich, maybe i'd have to worry of other things instead, cause i really hate worrying about money matters...
im generous with friends but im thrifty with myself, talk about twisted priorities, not that im a show off or anything, i just want my friends to be happy, coz it makes me happy (until the bill arrives, haha)

i never let a friend down concerning money problems, and ive been patient with it as well... i always believe in karma, what goes around... hmmm... doesnt seem to come around, sigh.

im the penniless sitar player... why would the courtesan fall for the penniless sitar player. damn rich evil maharaja!
Listening to: standing outside a broken phone booth with.- prg

flirting the moon
POSTED AT 05:20 PM

cruboy

okay so i could be annoying, immature, and crazy all at the same time... but really the tolerable kind though if not sweet. i guess thats what happens when i get too much caffeine or sugar... but its also my way of showing affection... or sort of, coz i never bug people i dont like... i have this short list of people i like bugging, or teasing, or flirting with... i do stop at an instant notice of anger.

buzz like a bee...

flirting, nothing could be more fun... the secret is: guys are actually very truthful when they flirt... im honest when it comes to that pillow talk, whisper to your ear kind of talk... some women dont find it truthful... i think they just dont handle compliments very well. its the "situation" that makes me honest. the question is are women truthful when they flirt, with history of double meaning not to mention playing coy and all, its hard to tell. guys fall for it though, actually guys dont care... cause its the "situation"

true lies... everything we say or hear we assume to be true, and honest. because when flirting, all we need to say are what the other wants to hear, and vice versa.

you got to love love for that... flirting is just one way to play the game, its fun all through out, best of all there is no guilt afterwards, haha.

"if there be yet another name more free,
more fond than mistress, make me that to thee!"

i have always been fascinated by the moon (among other natural events), specially when its full. last night had a full moon, atleast i get to see it. i always have this romantic notion that somewhere someone is looking at the same moon (ok so it sounds like the cartoon with the mouse singing) and thinking on the idea that someone is looking at the moon and thinking the same thing. (ok that was weird)

the moon is romantic... call me a moon fanatic... a lunatic even.
Listening to: moonshadow - mandy moore