reunions, birthdays and planet basketball
POSTED AT 01:30 PM

cruboy

great its october already, next thing i know its christmas... time flies even when your not having fun... it waits for nobody...

i just had a college batch reunion yesterday evening... im beginning not to like reunions, all it does is remind me im old, havent accomplished much and all the good old times, ok maybe the last part is ok... at any rate, i hate being reminded of the first two, its the same reason why i hate birthdays.

i remember jane also hates birthdays... for the same reason, but i dont think she hates it anymore though, her life is different now. she's a mother now, i think birthdays is a good thing when your a mother.

"unequal task! a passion to resign,
for hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost as mine."

i feel lethargic today, probably because im under medication... im trying not to get sick cause its friday... and when its friday... i play basketball... love that sport. actually i havent been living this week healthy... ive been sleeping late, eating alot. i was once did had a healthy life style. is it the lack of time or motivation... probably both. its a good thing i still have basketball once a week...

welcome to planet basketball!

its amazing my basketball group has been going at it for the last 7 years, wow, thats a long time, if it was a baby, its going to school now and has a distinct personality already. sigh, im getting old... i wonder how long this basketball group thing will last... im giving it two more years tops... until then i think i should enjoy the game.

i've improve alot i think, and im still thinking if i should join the league, but its a whole new level... but i think its time to raise the bar. ok maybe after i practice some more.
Listening to: different seasons - johnny hates jazz

on lack of sleep and dreams
POSTED AT 12:01 PM

cruboy

i waited for the morning to come today, its becoming a sunday habit... just so i wont be late to work after staying up really late sunday hanging out with friends. it could be exhausting in the long run, i dont know why im doing it.

early morning could be nice sometimes but i prefer sunset... the sky looks better when the sun is coming down. there's more color in it somehow.

i have become an insomiac, good thing though i havent progress to narcolepsy yet due to lack of sleep. somehow i can take being awake for over 24 hours. cant tell though how id feel tomorrow... i think i'll be ok.

"pant on thy lip, and to thy heart be press'd;
give all thou canst — and let me dream the rest"

i like sleep as well, i guess i go through phases, cause there are times when i am lethargic and slothlike... i just want to lie down and sleep, just a light sleep, enough to have short dreams. speaking of dreams, i have been having alot lately... i dream of people i havent seen for awhile now... and its all weird and mixed-up as well... nothing scary but rather disturbing or more absurd... no romantic dreams as of late... wonder why.
Listening to: brightlights - matchbox 20

the builder
POSTED AT 06:04 PM

cruboy

the builder...

wow, im like immersed in work, the day went on by so quickly... i like my work, i just wish though it pays more so i could afford my lifestyle... architecture is a prestigious profession, no doubt, popularity does gets one around... to bad im not that popular, yet... but i think im leaving quite a trail of good work from time to time... my reputation is yet to preceed me, haha.

im still waiting for this big break where i can leave what i could consider a contribution to architecture, a legacy, an obra... sigh... so many ideas playing around in my head... just need the right project to apply to.

ive been considering teaching, but with the current employment status im in, i dont think it could work... i want to teach, but i dont want to live on by teaching, nothing beats practicing.

"ah, think at least thy flock deserves thy care,
plants of thy hand, and children of thy pray'r."

i like the medieval idea of artisans and master builder, the craft is art work and passion. the idea of being proud of the profession, not like today, every thing is trivialized... some people think architecture is all about drawing... stupid notion. architecture is about space, experience, and expression.

i want to start a business as well, but i dont have an idea what kind yet, nothing has caught my appeal, besides i dont think i have the capital anyway... well i could borrow... im not really a risk taker, i guess thats one of my problem... i cant afford the consequence, but sure id take any risk...

i should strike gold soon...
Listening to: on a high - duncan shiek

reality, bite me!
POSTED AT 05:34 PM

cruboy

someone doesnt want to talk to me, i have been trying to make contact but either im ignored or disregarded. i dont know why, and its not likely i cant be reached either. i helped her in her most desperate moments... ive been a good friend... i went off my way... i know i havent been asking for anything in return, well maybe i do, sigh.

you really cant force people to acknowledge your effort... i guess i just have to wait for reality to bite... maybe im guilty of it too... i know i havent been acknowledging some of my friends effort who has gone out of their way for me... reality should bite my sorry ass as well...

thats how life goes.

"i ought to grieve, but cannot what i ought;
i mourn the lover, not lament the fault;"

its hard not to be the receiving end of a relationship... its just that bad, eventually you get tired and just let go of it... sigh. i guess everybody needs to be love, i mean unconditional love is noble and all, but lets face it, humans need love and affection... if it isnt two way, its no way. ive been trying to be noble and all but im at the end here.

lets just hope reality bites fast... i dont mind the hurt, living in disillusion is worse.
Listening to: galileo - indigo girls

near sighted red pills
POSTED AT 12:39 PM

cruboy

im not a bloody psychic...

and i really dont have a long term life plan, im the short sighted type of guy when it comes to life, i can only plan the next 6 month of my life and half of what i planned dont seem to pull through.

im not motivated enough, or inspired... well the last time i made a life plan, everything got screwed up... the best plan is just to get ready for anything...

i see a sort of future but its not a complete picture, i admire friends who could do that, those who could see themselves in the future, what they are doing, who they are with and all. im all now and before, no after. but im optimistic by nature, i believe things will get better... but not today.

"when at the close of each sad, sorrowing day,
fancy restores what vengeance snatch'd away,"

the foresight i have is preparedness, i think i can handle whatever is to come my way... maybe not all, like a change of lifestyle... i dont think anybody can handle that, unless its a choice.

the blue pill or the red pill... am i capable of making a choice that would completely alter my way of life, right now i could say i could, but would i choose... i guess its different when you are in that situation. i admire people who can...

im so cozy in my comfort zone, i should shake things up in my life once in a while... take the red pill damn it.
Listening to: stop crying your heart out - oasis

no bleeps on the radar screen
POSTED AT 06:02 PM

cruboy

i am thinking, if somebody else is thinking of me... i wonder how it feels if you are aware when someone else is thinking of you... some sort of like a bleep in a radar screen... i think everybody will feel secure and better... then again maybe not... just imagine if your radar doesnt bleep at all... wow... that is sad.

i think about alot of people, people i care about, friends relative... or whatever, just thinking what they are thinking or doing... i should phone people up, but i dont want to be a bug or a hassle...

its good if you are thought of... sigh

"oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue,
Renounce my love, my life, myself — and you."

but of course, things would be easy if it were like that, i guess that is why there is such thing as affection, and expression of love... i guess thats really the only way to know if you are thought of... well then in my case, tough luck.

thinking, thinking, thinking... if i think about -er anymore id probably bleed in the ear. i should start thinking of something er someone else, yeah maybe i should...

...for my sake.
Listening to: higher - creed

torpedo buddy
POSTED AT 02:48 PM

cruboy

i could be such a torpedo sometimes...

fire one... sigh... am i that easily taken advatage of... everybody seems to be asking favors to me... im so darn accessible and hospitable... sometimes its not good for me.

its emotionally and financially draining... i wouldnt be surprised if im all sucked up and dry.

i thinking my friends and relative should know that im no infinite well, nor a bottomless iced tea, nor cornocopia of wealth, i have to get sustenance from something, er someone.

i should draw a line somewhere

"come, if thou dar'st, all charming as thou art!
oppose thyself to Heav'n; dispute my heart;"

everybody should have someone else to draw strength from... lucky are those who found one or two... i guess i havent found mine. i seem to be needing a life battery. life is tough as it is... its best if you have a buddy.

i need to know who my allies are... i should start collecting... ive stored up enough good karma, better put it to good use. no point of keeping them forever. everybody gets by with a little help from friends.

i should be more assertive.
Listening to: who will save my soul - jewel

6 hours of life
POSTED AT 05:28 PM

cruboy

my life is slowly being defined by my work... work seems to be taking up much of my day... not to mention sleep... so that practically leaves me with 6 hours to spend the day the way i want to... 30 minutes of that would be petting my dog (who is currently sick), an hour practicing with the guitar (which i suck), an hour and a half watching tv (which are reruns), 30 minutes to ponder on what is to happen the next day at work and what to wear (an attempt to be organized). an hour to write on my journal (most of which is trying to remember what happened that day), an hour to play in my pc (an old game anyway)... and whatever left to do house chores...

if theres night gimmick, everything else gets replaced... just imagine if i go night out for a whole week... my dog might not recognize me, my guitar will be dusty, id have an empty journal, my pc will be useless and id have a messy room... wait a minute...

that is exactly whats been happening... ugh. i should manage my 6 hours better... its all i have.

"then too, when fate shall thy fair frame destroy,
(that cause of all my guilt, and all my joy)"


thats not much life... makes you think that maybe romance in the office is good, at least it eats up during work time...

work, work, working hard for my money... cant really complain.

i should try and look around and play the game again... its been awhile since...
Listening to: lucky me

bagful of sugar coated choices
POSTED AT 10:08 PM

cruboy

im to decide which event i would have to attend this saturday, three different set of groups, each equally important and fun... argh.

sometimes i wish i could be in three places in one time... i wonder if its three times the fun... maybe not.

i guess having many circles of friends has its drawbacks. i guess i just have to skip the event of the most forgiving group, the old college basketball group... anyway we see each other regularly... meeting new friends is an oppurtunity not to be passed on.

"i shriek, start up, the same sad prospect find,
and wake to all the griefs I left behind. "

choices, choices... if you sum life to one word... i think it would have to be "choices"... can never escape it really, cant live without it either.
i guess the idea here is really to choose the least thing that will make you regret ever making it.

sad to say i have quite alot of regrets, a bagful, and probably two more bags of choices i havent made... sigh. these things can be such a burden sometimes. you cant discard it, cause it makes up who you are, so unless you reinvent yourself... sigh.

i guess thats what you call a new chance to life, when you are burden free to make new choices.

in life, if you dont choose you loose.
Listening to: take a chance on me - abba

compromises are meant to be broken.
POSTED AT 06:19 PM

cruboy

i seem to have solved my saturday problem with a compromise. i would be able to go to two events on different time, one after the other... that way, ill be able to spend quality time with each circle of friends.

hopefully nothing pops up that will mess up this all so perfect compromise...

i should pat myself in the back...

"while prostrate here in humble grief I lie,
kind, virtuous drops just gath'ring in my eye,"

i guess if theres any solution to a good life is learning how to live with compromises... i guess nobody can get what they really want so they have to settle to the next best thing. compromise is almost better than adapting, you get the good of both situations, um... and the bad as well... just have to know when the good of both situations outweighs the bad.

if life can be summed up with a second word, id say it has to be compromise.

compromise (kom-pro-myz) n. making a settlement by each side giving up part of its demand.

i dont think anybody can live without doing or living in some compromise of sort. life is all harsh and any good we can negotiate out of it, we have to take.

ive done quite alot of compromise in my life... there are still some things i havent learned to live with too, and are just as much... i think i'll be doing still quite alot of compromises...

in life, no compromise, is your demise.
Listening to: colorblind - darius

proposing a purpose
POSTED AT 06:06 PM

cruboy

whoa, friday already, tsk tsk... still so many things to do... tomorrow will be a trip... hopefully it will all be fun...

surprisingly i have nothing much to talk about, ive been working most of the day... wow, if i was to watch myself in a reality tv show, id probably bore myself... i should get some love interest or an arch nemesis to oppose or a difficult quest to fulfill... life should be romantazied.

goes to show that life is never like that in the movies... the real one is either boring, depressing or absurd... wow, talk about bitter... sigh, aint that the sad truth... ive read my old journals and wow, i could really count the days when i am happy.

"thy eyes diffus'd a reconciling ray,
and gleams of glory brighten'd all the day."

boredom is a product of not knowing what to do with your life... i should have a purpose... how many people out there knows the purpose of their existence anyway... lucky are those who do, they will never be bored.

i should read "the purpose driven life"... can you really find answers to your self questions... how would you recognize the answers in the firstplace if we dont know what it is to begin with...

i guess the answer has to be with other people. anyway im unto something here, maybe friends, relatives will determine your purpose... of course your purpose in life is how everybody else needs you to be. that would be who you are and how you are.

the hammers purpose wasnt thought of the hammer itself, it was thought of the carpenter who needed it...

i wonder how my friends needs me to be. who i am and how i am to them, they never say... and i can never tell. anyway im going in circles.

someone should make a hammer out of me...
[img:417581]

Listening to: god gave rock and roll to you - kiss

trip and tequila
POSTED AT 08:11 PM

cruboy

weekend was a blast, the trip was historic and fun... and the octoberfest was a killer... its been a while since i drank that much alcohol... normally i drink only on certain occasion and certain conditions... last weekend was a good reason to be drunk and merry... a sip of tequila rose... almost a liter of tequila, a very tall glass of flaming absinthe that was absolutely lethal.

as usual, i was happy and loud, and bordering to being clumsy... first time i drank alot without really being depressed or heart broken... that was a welcome change... but something i might not do in a while... i should reserve drinking that much to being depressed... fun should never be spend on drinking... it should be spent dancing perhaps or singing.

"first kiss, like the sun rising;
could be we'll founder on uncharted shores.
but better we'll be if we sailed in vain
than never to have sailed at all."

i got a great advice from a doctor friend about how not to get the dreaded hang over... that sure help me recover fast after the weekend drinking spree... almost anyway, i still up chucked in the morning... blech.

this is definitely a tradition that should be continued... too bad the party didnt get wild like last year... oh well, maybe next year...
Listening to: i'll be okay - amanda marshall

stepping on the break slowly
POSTED AT 06:05 PM

cruboy

my life is zooming so fast...

i need to get organized, it seems that im missing out on life because my time schedule is so unorganized... and though i hate structured life, sometimes a bit of management should be in place... sigh. im currently slowly getting swamped in work... so many thing that needs to be done... still more are to come.

i should also organize my spending... i definitely have to work on this one, i am in dire financial crisis. i better do something or else ill be buried deep.

i remember i used to be disciplined and all, i dont remember how i become to be so like out of control. im spinning and bouncing around off the wall.

need to step on the break.

"before true passion all those views remove,
fame, wealth, and honour! what are you to love?"

however with this much momentum, i think stopping would be a bit of a problem. im on a roll here, all the way to self destruction... good thing im still conscious with regards to my self destruction... occassionally stepping on the break from time to time. i guess its not too late for a full stop, make a u-turn and speed back up the right way.

slow me down
Listening to: talk show on mute - incubus

bonfire my vanity
POSTED AT 07:50 PM

cruboy

can i say i am vane... perhaps... i mean im self conscious to be honest but not a blatant vane practicioner... im not the "look at mirrors when i pass by one and fix my hair" type, but before i go into a meeting or wherever place, i normally chance into the comfort room to fix myself up.

im no brad pitt, and i do have to give extra effort to look great... but i rarely fashion up... im the casual kind. comfort is my priority... beside i dont think high fashion suit me.

vanity, id probably be vane if i had the money... but as of the moment, my fashion is into the affordable...

"...i waste the matin lamp in sighs for thee,
thy image steals between my God and me,"

do i have issue with my body... just a few really... i definitely wish i am a few inches taller, not that im not tall, just want some height advantage in my basketball games... lighter skin tone perhaps... some colors dont go well with my bronze skin color... i maybe a little overweight but just a few pounds... nothing to be ashamed of really...

i should have more intensive physical activities... my once a week basketball is a keeper, i should be more regular with working out... unfortunately with my current work load and lack of sleep, that might not turn out good.

i should be motivated... i should be vane.
Listening to: learning to breathe - switchfoot

working on sunshine
POSTED AT 05:52 PM

cruboy

great, i was out in the sun all day, darn site visits... anyway atleast the clubhouse ive designed is getting up and looking great, the pool is amazing... too bad i didnt bring swim gear...

still lot more work ahead, hopefully its easy sailing from here.

i have nothing against the sun though but i prefer night time though... alot of fun things happen at night. i have nothing against heat but i prefer cold... im warm blooded and hot... i need to cool down.

im back and there's no chips ahoy for me... life can be so fair sometimes... haha.

"all are architects of fate,
working in these walls of times
some with massive deeds and great,
some with ornaments of rhyme."

always remember to use sunblock... i forgot to bring mine awhile ago, tough...

anyway the pic of the clubhouse from the far end of the pool taken last week. (weather: cloudy with isolated afternoon rain shower)
[img:424332]

Listening to: aint that a kick in the head - dean martin

guys think too
POSTED AT 05:46 PM

cruboy

the office is like the battlefield of the sexes, im not sure how the discussion came about, alas guys are forever labeled the chauvinist pigs... i am one of the hapless victim of a stray bullet. guys can be so misunderstood sometimes.

most girls think that sex is what all guys think about... ok maybe they are right, but that doesnt mean guys are such sleaze ball and would knock off any willing girl... or that guys think of girls as sex object or something...

i adore femininity. mystified, curious and yet i respect.

im not sure if im making sense there... i dont know but when i do think about sex, i imagine the act and all, but the face is hazy.

"ev'n thought meets thought, ere from the lips it part,
and each warm wish springs mutual from the heart."

i remember before jane and i talked about if "passionate sex but no love scenario" is possible... she said it wouldnt work... there is no passion in if there is no love. i said unless you love sex and are passionate about it... i guess you have to love something...

the difference between guys and gals: how they use love and sex in one sentence.

ok so maybe i think about sex most of the time... i always thought that people needs good sex from time to time... but love is always better.


Listening to: all day long i dream about sex - jc chasez

on soberday i rest
POSTED AT 10:34 PM

cruboy

this is absolutely a change, i almost forgot how saturday is at home, after 4 months of blurry life, i finally stayed home the whole of saturday... i feel so laid back and relaxed. im not thinking what to wear, what to say, who to meet, what to do... i just did what i want... rest.

i miss this moment... i guess i should spend one of my saturdays of the month just staying at home for a change. yesterdays game was great and tiring, too bad though i didnt win a match... well i guess it was the team mix up that is to blame. most of my team mate is disappointed because one of our team mate wasnt doing defense and so trigger happy. i feel sorry for him, but i guess its a matter of game philosophy differences... i still believe that defense wins the game.

"as the hand of time sweeps its way
as seasons changed and memories fail
as the millenium ends for a new day
the flowers bloom along a new trail."
(tribute to millenium, year end quartrain 1999 cruelboy chronicle)

still havent read a book in awhile now... i cant seem to find a good book to read... this is rather distressing... i feel like im denying my self of something. i like reading...

i need something to read but i dont know what, noc usually is the one who provides me whatever is good to read, but i guess her new found love life has kept us out of touch, well i kept myself out of touch... well i just dont want to get in between new found romance.

i should find some new romance as well, i am currently void of new crushes, one looks like a dead end for me, my office prospect is rather difficult, my current date is platonic and the last one, well i dont want to be the third wheel again...

that makes my shortlist like useless... maybe i should join some civic group or whatever... i need new activities to meet new people.

but today i rest.
Listening to: sleep all day - jason mraz

labor pains
POSTED AT 06:16 PM

cruboy

give me something for the pain...

ok maybe its abit over-reacting, but i really did get hurt saturday night, i was thinking about until sunday... i was calling cecil up, i asked for her, she acknowledged then suddenly as if she doesnt hear me and dropped the phone... i was sure she recognized my voice... the sad part is... when i tried calling again, no one is picking up the phone.

well, im sure theres a good reason behind this, and i was definitely overreacting... but i cant help think what ive done wrong... it was an honest call, it may have been a bit late. deep breathe. sigh.

whatever i was infatuated on about before is slowly fading...

like i said, im easily discouraged. i'll call some other time. i was just suppose to ask how she was...

and then some say guys are insensitive...

"for thee the fates, severely kind, ordain
a cool suspense from pleasure and from pain;"

still so much work to be done, its monday and im off and running like a madman... not to mention id probably be financing my brothers tuition for now... im not sure i like it when my parents all of sudden is relieing on me. its not a good sign.

animal of burden, time to plow the fields.
Listening to: everybody hurts -u2

seasons of reasons and donuts
POSTED AT 06:23 PM

cruboy

i got donuts for the office, the funny thing is; people are asking whats up... honestly i dont know either, i just thought it was a great idea to get donuts for the office, it isnt much... but hey its gonuts donuts...

it goes to show that people (including me i guess) can be so suspicious and cant take certain gestures that really have no motive or reason. you get endlessly teased for it...

sometimes, once in awhile, for no apparent reason, you just get hit by a sudden urge of generosity... that unexplainable act of spending for something for others... do i regret it... sometimes, but i learned that the only time you regret sharing is when you expect something in return.

so now i dont expect anything in return (or try not to), still get hit by that sudden urge of generosity... this happens to me normally when i recently spent bigtime... just a psycho thing i have to do to remind me that money is only money...

right... money is only money... but i need it anyway, sigh... besides id spend money if i have to, to see my friends happy. but real friends, you can spend nothing and they'd be happy with you anyway.

"heav'n first taught letters for some wretch's aid,
Some banish'd lover, or some captive maid;"

speaking of spending for no reason, i just got this promo card for a spa massage parlor thingy... well i guess if its good for your body then it isnt really bad investment... i dont know... anyway i should pamper my body... it is aching for some tender touches... sigh.

i definitely need a massage.


Listening to: someone like you - van morrison

profile of a fool
POSTED AT 09:50 PM

cruboy

im currently learning a new design tool the "sketchup".
its suppose to help me do massing study, lighting and whatever... this program is easy to use once you get the hang of it... and the rendering quality is something i really like, soft and um sketchy... old fashion arki style. something to keep me busy for awhile and not think of -er...

anyway enough of the work... what can i say but not much really. i was so busy i forgot what to write about today. i guess this is the so-so day.

or so i thought.

"i've sunk out at sea, crashed my car, gone insane,
but it felt so good, i wanna do it again."

listening to some new albums...

i always dreamt of being a song writer, i got some few songs written down, simple arrangement and all, mostly guitar chords and lyrics...
inspired mostly by my tragic romantic experiences mostly...

oh love, love has made me once a writer, a poet, a cook, an artist, an actor, a singer, an architect, a planner, a builder, a carpenter, a gamer, a bookworm, a tv junkie, a bestfriend, a prince charming, a jedi master, a third wheel, a jerk, a sunshine, a daydreamer.... love has inspired me to be alot of things, sigh, but mostly love has made me a fool.

oh love's fool. i dont know how many things ive done (crazy, sweet, heroic, stupid, silly) in the name of love... i have my journals to prove it and reading it and remembering it now just makes me smile... and say "boy, was i such a fool."

oh, i'll be love's fool any day!
Listening to: same ground - kitchie nadal

the modern caveman
POSTED AT 06:22 PM

cruboy

well there are some events that may or may not happen. this fact i keep relearning and relearning, that events, situations, conditions, are beyond my control.

well aint that the suck... anyway im all dressed up and no where to go... the boys night out got postponed... oh well.

i was looking forward to it.

"and ever-musing melancholy reigns;
what means this tumult in a vestal's veins?"

i do find guys to be more loyal to one another than gals to one another, well its just a biased observation... i could be wrong.
i suspect that it must be a remnant of the old prehistoric tradition of men doing the hunting...

in a boys night out, well its like hunting really, you pair up a buddy, and you have to be ready to take one for the team. big guys help the little guys, though there may be a lionshare in a pack, but everybody will have his share.

well it goes to prove guys are such neanderthals... you can only get wild with your kind, hunt savagely for flesh, talk loudly of your skill and show off your trophy.

sometimes we have to be reminded our savage ways, for men will be men.


Listening to: somewhere only we know - keane

morning ritual and tardiness
POSTED AT 06:23 PM

cruboy

i brought my game...

its off to planet basketball again... hopefully this time it would be a good night... my left hip hurt though after yesterdays incident... i thought i dislocated my femur or something...

anyway i should be more careful.

time flies when you have so much to do... anyway, i came to work late as usual... its a good thing the office is not strict when it comes to time (or so i think)... they should have fired my ass long time ago...

i guess it comes as a previlege specially if your the only licensed environmental planner sa office... woot. i need a raise... but then my tardy seems to keep me from getting the boost.

the price to pay for time.

"thy eyes diffus'd a reconciling ray,
and gleams of glory brighten'd all the day."

i like my morning ritual slow... if i hurry i tend to forget something, and most often than not, it screws my day up. morning ritual is sacred. though i might have to modify my morning habit, more like stream line, maybe it might make a difference so i can come to office early.

honestly though, i dont want to go with the morning rush, cause most often than not, it ruins my day before it begins. on certain sundays i come home really late after hanging out at a friends hobby shop, i normally just wait for the morning to come and leave early... i end up opening the office and sleep until most of the people come in.

...just some of the crazy things i do.
Listening to: no ordinary morning - chicane