surreal and good
POSTED AT 01:04 PM

cruboy

whoa, weekend was a blast... last day for octoberfest... finally the boys night out pushed through... anyway senior quervo was a special guest again and there was like singing and disco dancing again... the company was great... the girls were hot!
ooh the company was definitely sizzling. there seem to be great prospect for everybody.

far other dreams my erring soul employ,
far other raptures, of unholy joy:

sunday was ok as well, came to the gamecon with hardly any sleep from saturdays night out... played an event that ran through the whole day... didnt came out a winner, but atleast a couple of my friends did. three cheers for dabdab for winning the top prize and darkness for coming in third.

well atleast i lost to them... got some cool stuff anyway.

finally saw "notting hill", wow its been that long "daydream believer." you told me to see it, i finally did... after watching the movie, i remember and i can relate... whatever it was we shared was "surreal and good"... im the bloke.

i miss the long walks... sigh

i guess i had much of those "surreal and good" moments... but thats just it, all i can do now is really just to try and remember all i could... before my memory fails me... how long can i hold onto them? as long as i can endure! "what happens after the dream?" ... nothing but sad reality.

i miss making out... sigh.

maybe thats the reason why good things dont last... cause otherwise there is nothing good to reminisce, sigh, perhaps.

i remember and pray for the souls departed.
...anyway for the spirit of all soul's day.
Reading: the legend of the jade phoenix
Listening to: you got a way - shanai twain

butterfly sting and anti-matter
POSTED AT 07:06 PM

cruboy

its funny how some event in your life doesnt matter at all to other people... or so thats what i think...

does the butterfly effect apply in life... and not just the weather? it sucks when you cant see the big picture, well... i dont know, i spent most of my day with the client looking for door hardwares, hohum. it ends up me designing my own door handles anyway... haha... i should have just designed the door handle in the first place.

thy life a long, dead calm of fix'd repose;
no pulse that riots, and no blood that glows.

anyway, i have been thinking about the saturdays night out and its possible implications in my life... it reminded me of what im missing and what i need... sigh.

did i mattered to the girls i danced with, and sang with?... what is it that matters anyway. its good to know if you have affected other people's life... hopefully for the better. its good to know if you're missed from time to time. without any of those two... you dont matter. is the consciousness of self a proof of being...

i think therefore "ahem"

i guess this is just another reality... not that i dont mind being reminded... its just that you can never get used to reality... it always seems to sting.
Reading: the legend of the jade phoenix
Listening to: perfect - true faith

city by night
POSTED AT 09:21 AM

cruboy

i havent slept... last night was definitely the night of firsts and frolic... anyway how does it start...

last night before going out of the office, i was suppose to add somebody as a friend in friendster... i gave her an sms, she replied, didnt recognize me at first... we only met last saturday (boys night out)... she replied... nice of her to remember that i was the guy who read anne rice... and was nice to talk to...

she said she would be hanging out with chachacha... in makati... i told her i was in the area but about to go home... she asked me to meet her up and hang out with her since she and chachacha would meet much later and she had nothing to do, well i obliged... she's nice and gorgeous.

it was kind of awkward having me, chachacha and her together last night, like a threesome date of some sort. i cant seem to make out what my role was, more like a chaperone... but she was fair enough to divide her attention i thought, but i did wish i was alone with her, things would have been different...

first time i tried smoking... i dont know, i dont think id get the hang of it...

she did have hot friends anyway... nikki, irish, pia, and nicole...

i swear the city transform at night... there is a whole new world at night... different culture... intriguing and intoxicating... im not sure id like to be part of it but i sure am curious... i may not belong but i definitely want to experience.

very raw, but honest, no judgment and earthly.

will this change my life, maybe...

i havent slept... after going home around 6am this morning, i went straight to work... and writing this journal. another surreal but good moment...

later i will sleep and hopefully it wasnt all a weird dream.
Listening to: one love - blue

choice, circumstance and distance
POSTED AT 06:58 PM

cruboy

ok life is normalizing after yesterday's no doze and unusual trip... so much to be done at work... im having back logs... im trying to finish things up but it seems my mind is not functioning properly... ive been thinking about alot of things lately...

im honestly distracted... i guess im excited on some new developments... better not get that excited... theres always disappointment around every corner.

i have been presented by quite some possibilities... i wish i had all the means and resources at disposal, i am pretty sure i can convert most to reality... sigh.

i guess imagination is always hampered by reality... and though necessity is the mother of invention... im pretty sure improvisation is the half sister... im always stuck with the "make do", it makes you think that there seems to be no choices anyway... cause all the scenario always point to either "make do" or compromises.

there's that word again.

"and bids them make mistaken mortals groan,
who seek in love for aught but love alone."


i wonder if the choice of love falls under the same circumstance of "make do" or compromises... i fell in love before, like it was true love soul mate thing... but it ended anyway, partly by choice and partly by circumstance and partly by distance. im having hardtime falling for anybody since... no one has really made my heart leap since...

im hopeless...

i guess i have to "make do" and compromise or not love at all.
Listening to: digital love - daft punk

manic depressant monday
POSTED AT 04:53 PM

cruboy

monday, monday... cant trust that day...

well its back to work for me, hadnt much rest over the weekend... had a great basketball game friday... with a winning three-point shot to boot... 3 straight games... almost sprained my foot twice... body was aching saturday... sad that someone was sick and didnt go to work saturday... im fine with that, atleast i get to watch a movie with des on a saturday night...

the incredibles was amazingly entertaining. i should see it again.

"why rove my thoughts beyond this last retreat?
why feels my heart its long-forgotten heat?"

its just another manic monday...

the office is in shambles, they replaced the carpet over the weekend and most of my junk err stuff are all over the place... everything was dusty... spent most of the morning cleaning and putting everything back in order...

i look over my schedule and, boy is this week packed... two site visits and two presentation, three different project... looks like my procastination is finally paying... argh.

im not overly excited or energized for this... im brooding over last weeks event. sigh. sad, i seem to be the only one to miss some people... argh. i have come to the conclusion that they dont miss me that much... er at all.

i guess because its monday.
Listening to: eventually - pink

sleepless and insight
POSTED AT 07:25 PM

cruboy

sleepless again... and that was a monday...
funny thing really... it was 11pm yesterday night when the gang called up and ask me to join them somewhere... well i had nothing to do but check mail so why not go instead... i needed the exposure...

it turned out it was a boys night out redeux... but much mellow really, just hanged around the bar having our favorite drink until we were joined by couple of gals in the area...

love, free as air, at sight of human ties,
spreads his light wings, and in a moment flies,

it ended in a nightcap at this coffeeshop... just talking about how relationship sucks and how love is terribly unfair... im beginning to agree...

in fact i was the only one who shared a somewhat optimistic point of view... considering the bitterness i recently am trying to get rid of...
the debate was on second chance... most of the girls agree that there shouldnt be a second chance... i of course strongly disagree, not because im a "typical guy who would falter from time to time" but because i strongly believe that everybody deserves a second chance... you will never know when you might need just one. third chance well its open for discussion.

then there is the debate of trying different pies versus stick to one... of being a player or the art of choose and collect... jaicel believes she should try one each, on the premise that a little taste of something can help decide if its worth having more bite...

i, unfortunately, am vulnerable to that scenario... if i get a bite, if its good, you finish the food... i fall fast... but like i said too, i am as easily discouraged.

theres the debate on how guys recover faster than girls, how they easily replace the girl... i was saying... its all a matter of forced perspective... it appears guys are more eager to replace because they intiate courting or dating... girls are more passive so when something new comes along then move on... looking for date or going out on date doesnt necessarily translate to moving on... theres the danger of rebound.

love at first sight or love at hind sight... the first is all about excitement and anticipation the latter is all about discovery and realization (so long as its not too late, which most often than not is the case). i am more into love at hind sight... i like the idea of two friends discovering and realizing that they love each other... i unfortunately fall for most of my friends, but im careful not to ruin the friendship as well... some girls i know dont dig the idea...

then theres the unconditional love... who can really understand it, who can really see it as what it is? the most unappreciated and unnoticed kind of love. painful for the wrong practicioner but blissful for those who understand it... i have always been a willing practicioner of unconditional love, but alas i practice it wrongly... i get hurt... stupid me. everybody seem to forget that the operative word is unconditional... so where's then is the love? on the otherhand, i am just in denial.

so much opinion and talk... time to practice and perform... haha

sleepless again... becoming a bad habit... had to go straight to project site for inspection... so many presentations to prepare...

i will sleep tonight.
Listening to: huwag mo nang sabihin - kitchie nadal

busy, busy little bee
POSTED AT 07:34 PM

cruboy

amazingly i survived today, i did oversleep alittle after yesterday's no wink... i got my presentation done... was late for 30 minutes for my meeting... i swear the company car schedule should be worked out... atleast i left with a positive feedback... looks like the project is good to go.

tomorrow is another story... i know i can pull "rabbit out of the hat" when it comes to design presentation... but im not sure if i have ever done it when i feel tired... i guess the sleeplessness is slowly catching up...

i sort of have a game plan going in my mind for tomorrow, but of course tomorrow is tomorrow... so many things might crop up... i just hope i finish for friday's meeting... which is in conflict with my clubhouse site visit... argh... ok so maybe i over looked that one...

"here all its frailties, all its flames resign,
and wait till 'tis no sin to mix with thine. "

i need a moonlighting job soon... the "season to be jolly" is nearby... i need logistic for my ever increasing expenditures... specially now that my friend base is increasing... i swear if i win the lotto, id invite all my friends for a night of debauchery... i think that would be fun... i always wanted to host a huge classy party... haha one of the items i need to check in the long list of "i want to do".

work slave, work! most likely i'll have to overtime some of my presentation work... ugh.

ok funs over, time to get my hands dirty and go back to work.
Listening to: blonde on blonde - nada surf

pulling out a rabbit
POSTED AT 10:05 PM

cruboy

still in the office working... i cant believe this... its been quite a while since i pulled out an overnighter... well hopefully i go home tonight... i would need the sleep for tomorrow.

need to bag this one, something to be jolly about on the holidays not to mention a very cool addition to my portfolio... i do hope this turns out ok... wishful thinking.

"from op'ning skies may streaming glories shine,
and saints embrace thee with a love like mine."

presentation... site visit... basketball... tomorrow is fully booked, i might not be able to enter anything tomorrow. sigh, cant wait for the weekend...

id probably cut this short... im desperately running out of time for the presentation which is about 60% done as of the moment... sigh... plus the fact that there is so many thoughts swimming through my mind...

i guess im used to crunch time, college somehow taught me how to cope to stressful scenarios... not that im complaining, but sometimes i do wonder how i get through all this fury of preparations for almost less than half an hour presentation. "pulling the rabbit out of the hat", thats what my boss say... well talk about so much effort and very little time for appreciation... geesh... life is so fair.
Listening to: torn - natalie imbruglia

and now the wait
POSTED AT 04:50 PM

cruboy

friday!

presentation over, not bad if id say so myself, now the much difficult part, waiting for the deliberation... tick, tock, tick, tock... no site visit, too bad... well atleast i get to eat in the office lunch blow-out... so many celebrant this month...

got my package from e-bay... i thought that was a goner... well everything came in order... good thing cause i paid already. time to look for new items in the internet to buy...

like i said so much effort for the presentation... not much appreciation for it... the client did like the design however.

"dancing in the moonlight,
everybody is feeling warm and bright,
its such a fine and natural sight...
everybody's dancing in the moonlight."

office seems to be in a happy party mood... im playing my mp3s loud, nobody seem to care, im not doing anything work related. you got to love a friday like this. work hard, party harder as they used to say. im not sure if i have anything planned on the weekend, but i definitely want to do something... wild or whatever. i need to call some people up...

but tonight... i will play ball
Listening to: you get what you give - new radicals

living beyond means and meaning
POSTED AT 11:12 PM

cruboy

i guess i really cant help myself from keeping spending on useless stuff, ok maybe they make me happy and all... sigh... i think im having this serious case of compulsive spending disorder... as usual this weekend has been all about living beyond my means... ok maybe not beyond my means... but i was hoping to save enough money for the advent season...

i guess its time for plan b... better find other means of income, ugh... this one is a bit tough and quite a work on time management (wish im having some problem as well) argh... im so defective.

"my heart's in my pants, my head's in the cloud
my feet has left the ground and my life is turning around... around...
and every voice inside my head is telling me what im missing..."

let me try and recap...

friday: well i thought i had a game, i detoured to a friends birthday dinner... which was great, pizza, beer live music... oh well, it happens once a year, right... but i swear i was having withdrawal symptoms... after that went straight to XP for some great board game until the morning, that was great.

saturday: absolute rest...had haircut, and thats about it.

sunday: xavier fair, played some card game which i suck anyway... then back at XP for more boardgame, wicked.

monday: early to area 51, to play network with my high school buddies and had lunch courtesy of karl (birthday's tomorrow)... and just talking about setting up a business... looks like we have a plan going, will talk about it this wednesday over lunch (feeling professional)...

i dont think i spent the long weekend right... i should have been in some out of town gimmick of somesort... sigh... i guess this will do.

tomorrow i will be in lemery, to check on the clubhouse site... thats pretty out of town... to bad its work related.
Listening to: run like wild - jann arden

taking the high road
POSTED AT 09:08 PM

cruboy

that was long day for work, left for office early to go to lemery by 8am... the clubhouse is almost getting there i think, 12 days to go. been everywhere in the site, good think the weather is overcast... not that hot but absolutely dusty.

what can i say... i pratically missed everybody else in the office, got back around 8pm... some people id want to see in the office, well i didnt get to... what a day, im exhausted... the sad part of it all, i still have some deliverables... wah.

"hide it, my heart, within that close disguise,
where mix'd with God's, his lov'd idea lies:"

ive been thinking of what business i could put up... i really need to have some alternative means of income, my expenses are getting over the threshold. alvin came up with a nice plan and we'll be talking about it over lunch tomorrow... i hope it gets ironed out.

i have to take some risk... high road. i should atleast have this owning a small enterprise done this year... so atleast ive accomplished something else aside from passing the EP board, besides alvin is willing to invest... cant pass that up.
Listening to: where you lead - carole king

caught a bolt of lightning
POSTED AT 05:00 PM

cruboy

that was a serious lunch meeting, looks like actions have been designated to everyone... by next week i might be a co-owner of a company. now i need 100 grand for initial capital... ugh... thats almost all my savings... argh.

i have a to think of a way to cut the cash out to make it much more affordable... this had better work, cause otherwise i will be flat broke. thats not good.

i better see this through... earn or learn... hopefully both.

i might need all the money i can collect back... i dont want to touch my savings on a business venture, not that i have no confidence or second thoughts... just have to be sure that i have something to fall back on to.

better get back on those people who owes me... i hate doing it.

"caught a bolt of lightning... cursed the day he let it go.
nothing man, could have been something."

im missing some people lately... wish i could share this endeavor of mine... they seem to have lost interest in my life, for a friend not to keep in touch... not a good sign... i have been trying to make contact... but im always shut out... well if they dont want me in their life, im cool with that. my door is always open. sigh. i could be such a doormat sometimes...

i maybe nothing... but i'll catch that lightning, and i wont let go... i'll be something... eventually.
Listening to: six feet from the edge - creed

smooth sailing under the limelight
POSTED AT 06:32 PM

cruboy

today seems to cruise by smoothly

... well except for maybe the panic attack the client was having because of purchasing pinlights for the clubhouse... weird.

the latest development was the webmarshall problem we are having... now im having limited access to different sites... good thing i asked request for my tabulas... or hotmail... or friendster... or ebay... argh... i dont know why they have to screen every websites im going into...

ok so maybe the day didnt go out smoothly.

"the world has turned and left me here
just where i was before you appeared,
and in your place: an empty space
and filled the void behind my face."

i guess its inherent in everyone to be a star... cant explain it but sometimes its good to be in the spotlight of everyone, anyone and specially someone.

i somehow been getting quite alot of attention in work lately... because im always late, because the clubhouse is getting done and quite impressive, because i have a new haircut, because i've been going out quite alot, because ive been smiling alot lately, because im trying to make a venture work... i really dont know the reason... but yeah im sort of liking the attention.

ok maybe for a short time only... hopefully next week, somebody else is in the lime light... cant do my covert operation if im under the light. i guess its just some weird attack of curiousity or intrigue, i dont know.

im still waiting for my 15 minutes of fame... wonder how it would be, or why... hopefully its something worth bragging about though.
Listening to: breakaway - kelly clarkson

if talk is cheap...
POSTED AT 01:39 AM

cruboy

talk is cheap... a friend of mine said... i beg to disagree... it all depends on what we talk about, eh. any body can afford to talk... maybe not all.

i miss the long serious talk... just talk about anything, to nothing, from intellectual down to plain stupid. guys may not be particularly expressive, and we do tend to be silent... i remember before eia was egging me to talk about something about me... i couldnt... not that i had nothing to share, it was just not the right time to share. i dont think she understood that.

"i dont want to come back down from this cloud,
cause its taken all this time to find out what i needed."

it takes me some sort of atmosphere or mood to really spill out and just talk. it takes somebody who knows me all to well to know when that exact moment is. i miss jar me any and strike in

i somehow feel like i have a lot to share, but i havent really found the right person to throw all my hang ups... or rants... or raves... i pity whoever. girls have it easy when it comes to talking...

i miss pillow talks as well... nothing kinky. i meant the conversation before going to sleep... specially during sleep overs for school projects, or just plain sleep over

my house phone has been silent lately... cellphones seem to make house call obsolete... text messages has made house call obsolete... i dont know, sometimes its nice to hear the voice in the other line.

if talk is cheap, why the silence.
Listening to: hear - moonpools and caterpillars

raising the bar and multi-tasking
POSTED AT 07:09 PM

cruboy

i have a crazy schedule for this week... argh. i'll be in batangas most of the time... clubhouse almost finished though... blessing on sunday... new contract signed... looking for a venue for my group enterprise... looking for capital... arranging stag party for friend... trying to earn a living... paying numerous debts... helping brother for thesis... sigh.

thinking about it leaves me exhausted already... gasp. its only monday... i'd take last week anytime for this week.

"your temper flies off the wall, always at high gear ready to go
into any dissidence to entertain you. cant be reasoned out at all, a problem that refuses to show interest in solving the thing that undo you."

my multi-tasking skills will be tested once more, looks like im raising the bar... time and money all in one mix up... whew. one wrong move and i will be wasting my time and losing money... sob.

unfortunately, my pay isnt raised as well... sucks. should i look for greener pastures... where could it be? there are too many sheeps, and not much green grass.

need to heighten senses, be alert, and stay focused. ok back to work.
Listening to: the hustle - van mccoy

the lethargy of the word
POSTED AT 05:34 PM

cruboy

my multi-tasking ability looks bogged down... i am suddenly struck dumb by procastination and lethargy... argh like i need more challenges... stupid me. all of a sudden i have become numb of the consequences of my actions.

definitely not good... im hitting the maña habit button. looks like the boys are mustering tonight. the horns have been blown, i am summoned. tomorrow i will be hitting the panic button... maybe on thrusday.

"anybody can be lonely in a crowd... its that easy... the hard part is identifying that desperate soul... the harder part is to extend your hand in kindness... the hardest part is admitting you need a hand out of loneliness... " - a journal entry of mine dated april 1999 (edited for clarity)

long struggle out of loneliness... ive been in and out of loneliness and love. but i guess that is just really the cycle of life. it seems that loneliness is a state when you cant seem to share your innermost feeling or thought. if that is the case then everybody gets lonely from time to time, even with friends and loved ones around.

i do foresee immediate relief... ok maybe im just being hopeful.
Listening to: kiss the rain - billie myers

spaced out and empty thoughts
POSTED AT 06:20 PM

cruboy

i dont feel like writing anything today... so im just typing random thoughts here... hmmm... hmmm...

no thoughts coming in.

now what...

huff... let me write this down a poem by eddie vedder... i kind of like its message.

i waited all day
you waited all day
but you left before the sunset...
and i just wanted to tell you
the sunset was beautiful.
just wanted to dance to bad music...
drive bad cars...
watch bad tv...
should have stayed for the sunset...
if not for us.

i feel particularly spaced out... probably because of the unnecessary spending i did yesterday night, come to think of it... i guess it wasnt worth the hassle...

spacing out again...

huh... (spanking myself in the face), i guess this is equivalent to the computers scan disk or whatever... too much mental activity, need to empty hard disk.

maybe tomorrow id be thinking properly.
Listening to: when i look into the sky - train

destructive obsessive compulsions
POSTED AT 05:00 PM

cruboy

wow, pratically didnt work today... came in late... had a very late lunch out... came back and im still not doing anything much but surf the net, play music and rearrange files and folders in my computer...

i could be obsessive compulsive sometimes... but the destructive kind... haha. i cant have idle hands... at bars i roll tissue to bits and pieces, take off labels from beer and tear them to pieces as well, i doodle on paper if i have pen...

i guess this is the reason why i write journals and blogs... yup cant have idle hands... dangerous. good thing though im behave, im not particularly touchy with girls, unless ofcourse i get the license to... i can be restrained anyway. (naughty smile)

"funny how we set qualifications while we are in the process of finding the person best for us when in the back of our minds we know that the one we love will always be an exception to the rule." -slin

idle mind is far too dangerous... cant have that either. i do occassionally space out... but thats because i am in deep thoughts... i do day dream sometimes, i forget though what they are... mostly like reruns of memories... sometimes sleazy stuff too.

idle hands... dangerous. i used to have a regular guitar practice, but my brother seem to borrow my guitar quite alot these days, and im too busy anyway... i used to teach my little bro how to play... now its the other way around... i guess more time in practice really helps... sigh.

i might like this day afterall.
Listening to: underneath it all - no doubt

jellyfish and the green-eyed monster
POSTED AT 03:20 PM

cruboy

am i a jellyfish... well ok, i maybe jealous about alot of things. i envy people with free time and money... those who can do whatever they want with their time and the necessary resource to do so... i envy people who found the one partner they can live for the rest of their life...

not to get any wrong impression: i maybe jealous but im not unhappy about it or unhappy for those who do. i have accepted life not to be fair along time ago... i think it was grade school... my classmate always have the best pencil case, or the best bag, or the best shoes. (so deprived, sniff)

atleast i learned it early... and i think its good.

"they say hanging on will justify the wait but then patience and elated wisdom dont share a common phrase. a fool to long... a fallen king... time is the thief."

i am also a jealous kind of guy, just the mild kind anyway (not the psycho and demented type). i tend to be possesive (more like protective) with girl friends. well i never had a sister so i guess it sort of transfer or something... i always did want to have a younger sister.

when i get jealous, i do tend to sourgrape alittle... but mostly i just not talk about it at all... i guess everybody have their own issues. i am rather competitive, but i am also practical... i dont bother if its an obvious losing cause. but if there is a fighting chance, even if its slim, i am tenacious.

am i a jellyfish, perhaps...

... tomorrow i'll be a peanut butterfish
Listening to: mona lisas and mad hatters - mandy moore