heavy overcasts and sadness
POSTED AT 06:01 PM

cruboy

outside looms a heavy overcast. it speaks of dread and weary coming... when you look at the dark grey sky, you cant help but feel gloomy or think about sad thoughts.

sad thoughts. the most recent one was when somehow cecil decided not to talk to me or keep in touch. i guess she has a boyfriend now and she doesnt need me anymore. sniff, wow, now i know how a doormat feels.

misery loves company. it does have some truth in it, but when i am sad i tend to become silent and withdrawn. i normally talk about some sad events after i've recovered... i do tend to recover slowly from sadness or pain, and i do on occassion do become vengeful or spiteful... i know its wrong but i easily snap out of it... its human nature.

quitely alone together. id like to do that with some selected friends, and they are not alot. they are a keeper, id be lucky if i find more of those sort. im sure i would.

i want to know...
yes i've been love's fool and i will always will be. i've touched the center of my own sorrow, i cried... i've sat with pain and chat with it for awhile... i've disappointed others for being true to myself, even me... i see beauty in this ugly world of mine... it pains me... i've lived with failure most of my life... and i've been shouting to the silver moon "please!"... i've been bloody but unbowed and i will spoil my children... i stood in the center of the fire, burnt but ecstatic... but i cant and dont want to be alone anymore. - taken from cruboy chronicle 1999 answer to jane's "i want to know..."
Listening to: i think god can explain - splender

in passing chances and goody two shoes.
POSTED AT 03:08 PM

cruboy

i suddenly remembered dabs and i are talking about missed oppurtunities some nights back... i think it was the weekend passed. we were like making a list of missed oppurtunities, and boy was that a long list...

don't we all just hate hind sight and realizations... they always come in late, normally like a bolt of lightning in your head or a major kick in the ass. you got to hate fear and insecurities as well, cause they always come in too early. oppurtunities dont come alone... sheesh. there is always something tagged along... (commonly called the "catch").

passing chance, yeah i guess i have quite a handful... i have learned well enough that it is better to regret trying than regret not doing anything... passing chance with love, life, love, career, love, sex haha.

its funny how dabs said "remember what your parents told you about being good boys, they are wrong..." haha true enough... good boys dont get you the girls. there is no reward for not getting the cookie early in the cookie jar. what's a slap in the wrist or behind... you get to eat the cookie anyway. i've been labeled as harmless twice... geesh.

haha... dabs is sick of being the good boy, goody two shoes... im sick of being called harmless i guess there are two new bad boys in the neighborhood.

"oh no I heard them bad boys coming can't stop now... got to continue my running because we go party till them lights come on and then my song stop, fuck it, because my mic still on..."

which reminds me, i was designated to get a couple of girls for karl's stag party... and come up with kinky party games... hmm i have a dozen in mind. haha. and what's this?... a friend of mine wants to get laid... i'm wondering how that became my problem too.

goes to show that the world is better off if everybody gets some.

kinky games eh... oh i think its gonna be an awesome stag party.


Listening to: now we're talking - blestenation

in search of pure shores
POSTED AT 10:05 AM

cruboy

i have always been wondering where my life is heading... i've been rummaging through my old planners... wow... 11 years and counting... some years im on the right track... some with great sceenery, some with thrills and turns... some were just long dark tunnels...

i did notice that i have been traveling half the way alone...

i think i need directions... i should start reading road signs... so i can make the right detour, long way or short cut... bumpy road or smooth straight high-way... i dont mind... i know life is all about the journey... but i still need a destination, haha.

i dont know what came into me, i suddenly feel lost. cant say im content... no i dont think so. cant say im truly happy... maybe on occassion. cant say im accomplished... still have so many dreams...
i guess im moping again... i guess thats what happens when you leave things hanging... suspended... like holding your breathe for on something you dont know.

"i must conquer my loneliness alone. i must be happy with myself or i have nothing to offer. two halves have little choice but to join. and yes they do make a whole... but two wholes when they coincide... that is beauty, that is love." - jane's text july 29, 2000

im being stupid again... hopeless romantic... wishful thinking... daydream believer.

...the damn weather is not helping me feel better...


Listening to: pure shore - all saints

patches of old notes
POSTED AT 02:00 AM

cruboy

i miss this kind of saturday... just stayed home and bum around... i actually have a weekend of rest... good thing im over the hectic schedule already... whew.

looks like more is coming but hey i need to enjoy this weekend...

now if only i can clean my room... lazy bum...

ha, i would need more than a saturday to clean my room... ha, i would need more of me to clean my room... man, im such a pig... who happens to like his pen the way it is... well maybe not always...

"ps j'ai les temps pour vous... toujours... and... hindi heart yung sticker... swollen butt yon..." - kristine (on inverted heart sticker sa letter)

i was doing some sound tripping... well for karl's stag party anyway... need to get some sexy songs playing for the strip tease thing... i swear the song "skin on skin" by sarah connor is sooo sexy...
absolutely make out song, haha...

"it really isnt a sad song... it's just... something hasn't been done yet." - eia (on "waiting for a star to fall")

do nothing... wow like i just surrendered myself to bliss... man i was so busy the pass few weeks... i havent gone far from the book i was suppose to read... heck i forgot the title already... haha...

"please help me out with my rescue mission strategy. wake me when you arise... please please please--- aaahh." - dinti (on thesis project)

funny thing happened friday afternoon... our dog "summer" ate my brother's dan brown da vinci's code... how wierd was that? of all the books scattered about the house... it had to be a book my brother happened to have borrowed from a friend... now i have to buy him a new copy... sigh.

ok... better get some more sleep... yawn, yawn.


Reading: some scifi book
Listening to: skin on skin - sarah connor

trainspotting over lunch
POSTED AT 06:25 PM

cruboy

ok back to regular work load for me... i guess thats just it, whatever break or light load you have, you just have to make use of it. you might never know such again, haha.

"if i can stop one heart from breakin, i shall not live in vain. if i can ease one life the aching or cool one pain or help one fainting robin unto its nest again i shall not live in vain."

met up with ron, dabs, kelvin for lunch... i swear we get loud talking over lunch, basically just about guy stuff and hobbies. i never had a great time over lunch on a work day...

trainspotting as a group is really different... i guess its more fun if you can share your appreciation of the beauty of the opposite sex... over lunch, haha.

i guess i have to admit i am guilty of girl watching, but some girls can be such eye candies anyway... and you are not sure if they intentionally do it on purpose, like look good, or sexy, or cute, or innocent, or wild... ok its definitely intentional on our part to look and drool, but its just an honest (perhaps biological) response.

i remember one time, i was waiting for a taxi to go back to the office from a meeting and i swear, that particular tuesday, every wonderful looking ladies were out walking in the same sidewalk passing me by. one particular girl caught my attention, i have never seen a morena with the rosiest cheeks... i was struggling not to follow...

im not sure when i got the hobby of trainspotting, but i think it was darwin who introduced me to the sport back in high school... somehow your eyes sharpens. the funny thing is there seems to be a universal code for guys to say "check this out" and everyone just makes their subtle way to make a lookie.

im sure the girls have their way of checking out the guys.
Reading: the alchemist
Listening to: superstar - jamelia

if the week goes so
POSTED AT 04:56 PM

cruboy

looks like i will be juggling my schedule until sunday... haha... wow so many things to be attending and doing.

tomorrow, i'll be back to the site for the final punch-listing of the clubhouse and movie night with des... its been awhile since we saw a movie together...

thursday: i might have to represent the auditorium plans again then i'd be with alvin and maybe sam for the research... friday is a college homecoming and PCQ practice sa xp, saturday PCQ in eastwood and hang-out sa xp fellowship night, then sunday, nash's birthday (have to look for gift) then its karl's stag party.

i might have to file a leave for monday, haha. no rest for the wicked.

i guess im not juggling afterall, everything seems to be in order of some sort... im just hoping now that nothing comes up and shake me up... now if only the friday basketball game is still on friday, i think it will be one complete week.

of course i can't discount murphy's law and genato's law in the equation, not to mention the expenses... argh... wow, talk about the expenses... it hurts to have some fun these days.

if the week goes like this... i should definitely have to file for a leave and bankrupcy.


"when you want something the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

wow, i wish this was true, well maybe it is, i guess i just dont know what i wanted with my life or perhaps i don't remember anymore.

"you must always know what you want"

i guess i have to keep trying to remember... im pretty sure i knew once.
Reading: the alchemist -paolo coelho
Listening to: so very hard to go - tower of power

imagine that
POSTED AT 06:44 PM

cruboy

the clubhouse looks great... i should be uploading the pics in here sometime. i guess thats another one for my portfolio. its great but still not impressive... hopefully there are more to come.

all day at the site, ive practically missed everything and everyone in the office again. sigh.

i am totally disoriented, i slept all the way there and back... the convenience of having a company driver to drive you all the way to batangas... i really have nothing to write today... hmm maybe tomorrow.

john lennon was shot dead 24 years ago today. imagine that...

"you may say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one, i hope some day you'll join us, and the world will live as one."

still pursuing my personal legend.
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Reading: the alchemist - paolo coelho
Listening to: imagine - john lennon

friday people...
POSTED AT 07:21 PM

cruboy

morning rush here at work almost caught me off guard, well atleast i was able to deliver (whew)... somtimes its dangerous if the company knows you are reliable... they tend to abuse it.

i always believed that i work better underpressure... well i need to remind myself that anyway... some self hypnotech or self assurance... the outcome or product of course is not always a guarantee... hehe.

atleast when it was over, afternoon is clear... it gave me enough time to select some party music for the stag gig for sunday... and burn them too... and play it loud in the office... everybody is dancing while they are walking i swear...

i reveal
after many passing moons and stars
beyond the gloom of my black heart's scar
tormented wildly by love desire
in pain and anguish in summer fire
i open now my heart to unbind
the truth that shadows my inner mind
behold what lies 'hind the broken seal
it's my love my love that i reveal
written for valerie 1995

cant escape the groove... i have to admit i practice dancing when im alone and no one is looking... i may not be smooth and all, but i think i can still pull some groove... haha. i definitely enjoy dancing... well better with a partner... i can do a mean swing as well... you got to love disco music.

so where are the friday people...
[img:478509]

Listening to: bounce - sarah connor

running on empty
POSTED AT 02:36 PM

cruboy

last week was definitely a blast. had so many thing going and the nice part is i get to know new people, done new things, been to new places. i met jais friend jess, bambi and princeton. i have hosted the stag party games, tried out playing constructed in the PCQ (where i did horribly, blech) and it was the first time i went inside a motel (unfortunately with five other guys and what only three girls, haha).

"still round the corner there may wait
a new road or a secret gate;
and though i oft have passed them by
a day will come at last and i
shall take the hidden paths that run,
west of the moon, east of the sun."
- song of the ring bearer

this week, well looks like more is coming... office christmas party and xp's christmas party, and probably the college get together party... karl's wedding... stephen's wedding... huff, huff...

im running on an empty gas tank... im below my budget threshold alarmingly and this week hasnt even started... i have hardly any sleep (specially today which i didnt)... oh the price to live. im still enjoying it though... might as well live this through. its good to have something to talk or write about.

im running on an empty gas tank... its amazing how the will can keep the body going... im beginning to feel some ache in the joints, my eyelids are so heavy i can barely put it up... good thing i dont have a headache cause that would have been the pin that broke the camel's back.

im running on an empty gas tank... i think im going home early today... i need some sort of pit stop.
Reading: the alchemist - paolo coelho
Listening to: my sacrifice - creed

pit stop over
POSTED AT 05:54 PM

cruboy

wow, i miss staying home not doing anything work related... just vegetate, and be a couch potato. picking up the book i hardly touched since page um... 22.

still havent cleaned up my room though... i really do think that one day isnt enough... haha.

anyway i spent the afternoon having a hair cut and dumping all my barong and formals in the dry cleaner then immersing myself to more music and danced until i got tired... haha. i was trying to do some of the groovy move in the movie "you got served". i swear they were moving...

wish i could dance that well... i find it a liberating experience as well; that is: being able to dance confidently around many people... i had my stints before but to be really self assured in your move is something else... it shows in the move. the jerks and the snaps, you can tell.

ive played the game
ive lost a few
you said you knew my name
but i guess it wasnt true

ive laid back down
ive waited it out
you said you'd stay in town
but what is this leaving about

i think im sane
why dont you reason out
i'll understand it, just
dont leave me hanging out

this is just too sad
this pain i feel inside
i couldnt ask for more
ive never felt so low before

im feeling dumb
drowning in alcohol it seems
im trying to make me numb
from this silly dreams

im tired of playing
this game with you
i dont care what you're saying
or what you plan to do

this is just too sad
this pain i feel inside
i couldnt ask for more
ive never felt so low before
- an old poem i wrote in my old notebook i salvaged... no title and no date

i had a really long sleep, just right before jess made all those text messages... i never thought she could be sweet... anyway i hope i get to hang around with her again... she has her own wit and a sense of humor. ...and she can definitely dance.

i think im ready for tomorrow. pit stop over, time to burn rubber again.


Reading: the alchemist - paulo coelho
Listening to: the distance - evan and jaron

slowing down and holidays
POSTED AT 03:26 PM

cruboy

things are slowing down here in the office, i guess its becuase of the holidays... so much for burning rubber.

anyway i feel non-chalant, i dont want to expect anything on the up coming parties. besides i havent gotten any gifts for my friends yet... huff... so much expenses coming up that is not part of my original projected budget. sigh.

not much gift for me this time of year... well i shouldnt be saying that... anyway i think i should deserve something... i wasnt at all bad the whole year. naughty maybe, but bad... hardly.

"and i suppose i do believe, in the final analysis, that a peace of mind can be obtained in the face of the worst horrors and the worst losses. it can be obtained by faith in change and in will and in accident and by faith in ourselves, that we will do the right thing, more often than not, in the face of adversity." - m.curry, anne rice's taltos

i should be mindful of what i eat too... with all the party coming, i think gaining a pound or so is inevitable... specially with no friday basketball game for the rest of the holiday season... sigh, i miss playing basketball... i should try and do jogging.

i should enjoy the holidays anyway... too bad its not with anyone special this year, sigh... i still have my friends around i guess.
Reading: the alchemist - paolo coelho
Listening to: baby, it's cold outside - dean martin

pulling wits and throwing punchlines
POSTED AT 03:02 PM

cruboy

sometimes you cant help but annoy other people, unconsciously and sometimes indirectly... i guess there would always be this personal behavior we have that can just set off another.

i have to admit i sometimes can be irrationally be childish, naughty and spoiled. i like pulling off pranks (but the tolerable kind), make witty remarks, and say lame jokes...

i'd like to believe that my friends find me funny... well most of the time, sometimes i sense im not funny a bit too late... of course its embarassing and its something to learn from. i'm constantly learning when it isnt funny anymore. i guess it also depends on the situation, the people and the topic... but i guess social skill can only get better by practice.

i guess i've improved, sort of, as a person that way. it helps me from being tactless and insensitive. i guess pulling off witty remarks and throwing punchlines are talents of their own class.

"you are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars, and whether or not it is clear to you, the universe is unfolding as it should." - desiderata

practice makes perfect, and its a cool job to make people happy.
Listening to: jump (for my love) - girls aloud

after buzz
POSTED AT 02:27 PM

cruboy

looks like this week will be just as buzzing as last week... after the office christmas party... left friday early morning (as in really early) in tagaytay... well to have some drink with office mates in one of this obscure bar... actually it was the only one left open... anyway... had to be back to office for the final punchlisting sa lemery batangas... great i just passed by the same obscure bar...

this week is buzzing... there's the college batch reunion... another stag party to attend... rhesa will be coming back from the states for a vacation, steve's back from uk for the holidays... huff... all i see are expenses...

yeah, im bad, its christmas season and all i see are expenses... well i really wanted to treat myself this year but i guess thats gonna happen next year hopefully... i wanted to get my own car... huff... well with the price of gas still high, yeah maybe i should reconsider.

im happy for my friends to be around and all, giving gifts, going out and just hanging out... but like i said, costly... indeed. im being selfish and materialistic... argh.

"a poor life this if full of care we have no time to stand and stare."

i should count my blessing...

slow day and contradictions
POSTED AT 05:20 PM

cruboy

sometimes you just cant help but not enjoy a slow day... and sometimes you cant help but pray for a slow day.

barbarian, stay! that bloody stroke restrain;
the crime was common, common be the pain.
i can no more; by shame, by rage suppress'd,
let tears, and burning blushes speak the rest.

funny how we always want something else instead of what we have from time to time. i guess i could never really be content... im not sure if that is good... im a perfect example of contradictories sometimes... i want progress but i think twice of change, i easily fall for someone and yet i am easily discouraged, i want to be wealthy but i enjoy slacking... sigh.

contradict v. to state that what is said is untrue or wrong.
contradiction n., a statement that contradicts itself.

contradictions is inherent in everybody's personality, well thats what i like to think. we make rules on how we play our lives but sometimes we do tend to cheat ourselves and make exemptions. most of the time we break the rule we set on for love and occasionally for friends.

contradictions is necessary i guess in life, we need to cheat the harshness of life... i also think we tend to set up the harshest rules on ourselves anyway. we are cruel to ourselves.
i tend to punish myself harshly, i dont forgive myself easily, i am greatly affected by my own guilt... yet we love ourselves.

contradictions is an ingredient to a spicy life... i guess without self conflict and internal debate, life would be boring... and i guess contradictions brings out conviction, value and wisdom. contradiction is basically a realization that certain rules are absurd or dont apply...

contradictions is adaptation... sometimes we should change the rule we play on life and love... specially changing some rules to benefit us the most... cause otherwise we always end up as the loser... and we dont want that.
Reading: oxford paperback dictionary
Listening to: people are people - dsound

eventuality and angels
POSTED AT 06:01 PM

cruboy

some events just unfold as it should or should not... i had three conflicting events tonight and i couldnt decide which to attend... suddenly two of the events were postponed...

i end up going to were i wanted to go in the first place... fate perhaps.

some events just unfold as it should or should not... i think i had some few brushes with mortality as well, but it isnt really traumatic, but im thankful i manage to avoid it... i remember once falling off the chair trying to put a light bulb on, and for some weird reason the chair buckled and i fell down... my head missed the edge of another table by a hand... that could have been painful or worse...

or the time i was crossing the street and suddenly from out of no where a bike zoomed past, good thing i stopped to fix my bag... one more step and i would have been entangled in with the bike... whew.

i remember grade school and dismissal times...

angel of God, my guardian dear
to whom His love commits him here
ever this day be at my side
to light and guard to rule and guide...

well i really dont want to count, cause i dont know how my luck will hold... but i always believe that my guardian angels are doing a great job keeping me safe even if i havent really been good.

so to my guardian angels, thank you...


Listening to: into the west - annie lennox

yuletide blues
POSTED AT 12:46 AM

cruboy

wow, eve of christmas... unfortunately for me, i am undergoing my own financial crisis... haha. well nothing that grave, i think i may be able to afford to celebrate christmas... but it wont be like last year, sigh.

i think my friends will understand, im sure my family will understand... well being the eldest of the family sure comes with responsibilty... i am currently doing some damage control on with the household economics... nothing to be alarmed about, i did have some stop gap put on place. and then there is my own bills, blech...

i wanted to celebrate big time but i guess i will have to put off for now... not to mention i was seriously getting my own car... huff.

what am i ranting about, im still better off, i should feel fortunate...
i guess i got the christams blues... hope its not contagious... nobody special to celebrate christmas with this time, sigh... but i think im fine... still got friends... and new friends too... yeah, i think im fine.

...and so this is christmas and what have you done
another year over a new one has begun... - jlennon

i wish everybody have a merry christmas, im looking forward to opening my presents.
[img:489667]

christmas morning
POSTED AT 02:48 AM

cruboy

christmas morning, im still awake... i guess its all because of all the the food i ate... im not really sleepy...

havent opened my presents yet... they aren't much unlike last year though... hmm wonder why... i have significantly increased my friends this year... i guess its all the crisis... or maybe i'd get more in the days to come... either way im happy with what i got.

besides i got gifts from people i dear most... woot!

too much sugar... awake but not much mind... huff, i'd probably write something sensible later.

Merry Christmas everyone...
Listening to: the christmas song - sammy davies jr.

the remembered life
POSTED AT 10:16 PM

cruboy

i've been spending almost three hours updating my journal... i wanted to finish it before the year ends... i never did get to finish my journal last year... somehow i lost interest... (because before it was read and appreciated by people i care)

but now i write for myself... i made a commitment to myself to continue with my journal anyway... why break the tradition. i dont care if it is read or not by anybody else... i do this for me anyway...

atleast this blog helped me alot... and i have met new friends... and i have become a part of everybody elses lives... it's definitely life altering of sort. for a journal writer like myself, this is a wonderful tool for self expression... it's a different kind of writing... there is some level of interaction... it's nice to know people drop by and acknowledge some of your thoughts, those who think similarly or indifferently...

and sometimes you get invited to somebody else's life... and you get to know yourself alot this way as well. well that is how it is for me.

12 years worth of journal writing, wow... even i am amazed, i guess i shouldnt stop now...

why do i do this... i guess im afraid to forget... about my life, the people i've known, loved, hated... places i've been to, the sites i've seen, the events that happened that moved me, that scared me, that bored me... i want to remember...

i've thought before that there is a danger to this... it seems that i'm living for the past, or that i might have a hard time letting go... (i did have a problem with the later one) but then the results have been healthy for me anyway. it has kept me sane for most of my remembered life.
[img:497338]

Reading: the legend of the jade pheonix
Listening to: miles between us - stephen speaks

last entry for the year
POSTED AT 10:27 PM

cruboy

ok, it's the last entry for this year... i really havent got anything to say... im not sure i have accomplished much this year... hmm. some of my plans for this year, well, i hope to achieve next year... huff... i know its quite a disappointment really.

what happened to "seize the day"...

it got lost in the complications of life... there have been some surprises along the way, i have to admit, that screwed up most of my plan... some surprises i did happen to appreciate and others... well i hope it doesnt crop up next year.

i did plan to get my own car, or find my own place, or start a business, or find a girlfriend, or take a masters, or join organizations, or do civil work or social service... huff, huff.

so much for the plans... but i did accomplish one major thing on my check list for this year... i did pass the board for environmental planning... and placed, well only thirteen passed, whew. i finished second on the nationals for the game of thrones, attended manny's (urban legend) octoberfest party, met new friends, got some new hobbies, infiltrated manila's underworld (haha), organized an absolute blast of a stag party, finished quite a few projects like the leisure farms' general store and clubhouse, faith's nursery and prep school and auditorium.

romantically it isnt as bright as how the year started, i did thought i had something going on with cecile... but then slowly i'm getting cold signals... after her accident... then des was a great friend, but somehow things really are platonic...

i guess now all i could really do is look forward for tomorrow...

the daydreamer lay still and quiet.
with shadowed sky, the sunshines regret.
sad hope for love, life, peace and success;
look forward to spring and wish for the best.

happy new year everyone and hopefully a prosperous and romantic one for all.
[img:498386]

Reading: legend of the jade phoenix
Listening to: so far away - staind