Entries for April, 2005
April 4th, 2005
generosity killed the cat POSTED AT 07:56 PM looks like an easy monday for me... the weekend was ok... hurts the wallet a bit... but so long as it doesnt hurt me... im cool. everybody needs help once in awhile. unfortunately my generosity is getting popular here around at work... after helping someone financially... i think they got it all wrong... i haven't been promoted yet... i dont think i have enough money to spare around helping everybody... ok, that may sound selfish, but i just dont like the idea that im that easy... i mean i lend money to friends, friends i know well enough... and i still have so much to collect back... im not cashing in yet... but hopefully i can rely on them paying as much as they can rely on me lending. what comes around goes around. how can you turn down someone asking for help... argh... i am compelled to, not out of pity or duty but because i believe in karma, when i think, if im in such need... i wont get turned down.... sigh. sometimes you never know when you'll hit rock bottom so you just have to help, share and be kind. i've been in such state of loss, almost to the point of begging... i'm recovering now... i vow to pay back what i have loaned... im grateful to all those friends of mine... and i emulate them... never bite the hand that feeds you. but when words go around, sometimes good things become wrong... cause the thing i learned when asking for help is to try and be self reliant first... ask for help only when you really need to. friends will be obliged to help, but they too can get tired.... its so much better helping people who help themselves. hopefully my officemate should understand my situation... i've helped her before and i'm willing to help her again... but unfortunately not just now... i'm currently helping someone else... everybody has a limit... and mine just went off the scale. ps... i have never met the pope, sadly nor stood in front of his presence... but somehow i sensed an amount of goodness in the world fade... much like mother theresa's death... goes to show how much lives are touched by their kindness and goodness. somehow i will miss the pope... teach me to be generous: to serve you as you deserve to be served; to give without counting the cost; to fight without fear of being wounded; to work without seeking rest; and to spend myself without expecting any reward, but the knowledge that i am doing your holy will. - prayer of st. ignatius Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: thank you for being a friend - andrew gold 1 thought(s) that matters...
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April 5th, 2005
misadventure is a hitch POSTED AT 10:29 PM looks like its been a series of misadventure for me today... early again for a meeting somewhere out of manila... well maybe not too early, we got all delayed because one of our officemate's cellphone's service got cutted off... so it was like a waiting game of sort... goodthing i called and found out joel was waiting for our call to meet us at the south super highway petron station... we were expecting him to be there already... anyway we have to drop joel, roy and tek off at silang we had to go to tanauan after... joel suggested to try and pass through tagaytay then go down talisay which was just beside tanauan instead of going back out the super highway... sounds brilliant... after making a wrong turn in talisay and loosing 20 minutes backtracking and a couple of stops asking for directions, we did get to tanauan by lunch... we had lunch in kfc, then lo- power black out... after being late for a supposedly 10am meeting, we had to breeze through our site visit and inspection... not bad really, then to get back to pick up the people in silang we decided to go back up through talisay to tagaytay... passing that winding up mountain road. on our way up i was joking, wouldnt it be bad that our car would stall, then we had to be stuck in such remote place... then lo... the car did stall... opening the hood we see a badly torn timing belt, crap. in the middle of an uphill climb no houses in site... we let the driver hitch all the way down to fetch a mechanic, good thing we had a spare belt... patrick and i stayed to watch the car... until we found out the driver took the keys of the car down back to the town, while we were outside the car... waiting for sun go down... after 45 minutes of throwing sticks at the road side, apparently according to the mechanic that winding mountain climb road is enchanted or say more like cursed, new people like us first time to go up always experience some engine or car trouble... when we got to their garage another client had the same problem, unfortunately their car was stuck up there. at least the mechanic's place was just a walk away from the shores of the taal lake... so patrick and i hanged out in a convenient store for a while, had a bottle of beer and then enjoyed the scenery... then the mechanic showed us not one torn timing belt but instead two... great, no parts here in talisay... its getting late and we had to go back home.... so we left the car in the mechanic's garage while we went back to the mountain base and hitched a ride... lucky enough a van passed by and helped us get back to manila. nice people, alice the driver, a noisy big girl, this sleeping guy beside him, another girl and a gay fellow... apparently they came from puerto gallera and on their way back to manila... they passed our way to avoid paying toll, we were double lucky cause they were going back to manila... they were kind enough to let us drop off at buendia. i've only hitched a ride from a total stranger twice in my life... there are still good samaritans afterall. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree g gavriel kay Listening to: middle of nowhere - hansons |
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the driver got back with no mechanic, the mechanic insist we bring the car back down... so we had the brilliant idea to turn the car around (pushing it) and let gravity do the rest... by the time we got to the base of the mountain, a jeep was waiting to tow us to the mechanic...April 6th, 2005
getting giddy with it POSTED AT 10:09 PM anyway, im having all sort of excited feeling on the coming weeks... first there is the series of outings, then there's the package i bought off ebay... hopefully it gets here within two weeks or so... then sharing a box of cards (of geeky hobby) among other things that can happen... i shouldn't expect much really so as not to get disappointed but sometimes you just really cant help but get giddy about nothing. argh, i wish it was two weeks from now already... i always thought im a patient man, but there are times when i wish i can just fast forward my life... sigh... at least i'll have something to look forward too...i see sleepy clouds ahead... and the sunshine is bright, sending tickling beams everywhere... cant help but smile. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree g gavriel kay Listening to: getting jiggy with it -wil smith |
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April 7th, 2005
warriors of a different planet POSTED AT 06:15 PM in a distant galaxy is a planet... a planet of brutality and strife... a planet where warriors against warriors clash, an on going struggle for supremacy and survival... a flash of agility and savvy moves, a display of power and brute strength, a show of genius strategem and cunning, a test of will power and determination... all for the glory of athleticism. for the winner, the joy of bragging rights and the chance to fight another clan of anxious warriors... in an arena, unwitnessed by the rest of the universe. some will rise to the occassion others will fall... the strong will remain and the weak will be culled... the survivors will be warriors, they are the victor... the others will not be remembered. i will be a warrior tonight... i will do my best to win... blood will be spilt... but it wont be mine... off to another planet... planet basketball!?! hahaha... thats a silly way of describing a ball game... been reading too many fantasy stories lately... haha... darn, im parched wallet wise... what have i been spending on... now im feeling the draught... i need good paying moonlight jobs... wahh... to think there are still so many stuff i need to buy for the up coming outing... well, i need to indulge my vanity a bit... i have been ignoring it for quite a long while anyway... who are you impressing anyway... nobody really... so what's the point? well i just thought i'd look cool for once or twice... hahaha, you amuse me... well, that's what i want to do, so there... suit yourself, but sometimes those things are trivial anyway, why bother... hmmp... talking to myself again lately... grrb. anyway im gonna play later... enough talk... time to walk. abbastanza il discorso... il tempo di camminare. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: unwell - matchbox 20 |
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April 8th, 2005
preppy trauma POSTED AT 06:22 PM se gli sguardi potrebbero uccidere whats with fashion and style anyway... im just sourgraping really... not all clothes style would work for me... i'm no male super model... i am just an average juan... looking good would be an effort for me... atleast i still have some smart and wit... but clothes dont say much of what you got inside... i could be wrong, im no fashion guru... i have some sense of fashion know how, i know what would make me dorky or whatever... i have a semblance of good color coordination and i shun large logo prints... i like designing the graphics of my own shirt... so i had shirts done... i want uniqueness in some way... today however, im being preppy... somehow my friends at work aren't used to me dressing up for a meeting... well i had to look good and decent from time to time... the reason why i shun from prepping up in work was the traumatic experience i had in makati... i got harrassed in a bus by a really huge goon looking homo... i was seated at the back of the bus alone, then this character sat beside me, always looking at my direction (which i assumed was looking through the window as well) but last i turned and look at him, he was grinning and started talking, then suggesting lewd actions and trying to grab my hand... the jerk... (now i know how the girls feel when harrassed) , anyway i stood up, stopped the bus and went down, even if it wasnt my stop... the fool followed... and tried to put his arm over my shoulder... so i turned and crossed the highway... damn... i was dodging cars and busses... damn... looks could kill. friday people unites... and im preppy... i guess im dressed for the occassion... silly me. le persone di venerdì uniscono Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: im in the mood for dancing - the nolans |
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April 11th, 2005
the better of me POSTED AT 08:40 PM what do i have to say for today... early meeting today got cancelled and moved tentatively to a pending schedule... hopefully it doesnt fall on a friday cause i wont be around... excited over the trip on friday really... i should be preparing for it, but my procastination got the better of me... doing a new project, which i dont like really... too troublesome for a small project... oh well... i got volunteered to do it cause apparently joel who was suppose to handle it will taking a sabbatical leave or something... i should have declined the responsibility, but my passion for work got the better of me... things are slowing down of sort for the other project except for the new one... i cant believe i agreed to commit on a presentation with only four days to work on... crazy... i should have taken control of the situation, but my frustration got the better of me... i think i was being a pain in the ass this afternoon... with rose anyway... well, i guess its probably just some professional differences... i ought to apologize or something... i should have been more patient, but my ego got the better of me... still here at the office alone, so now im getting freaked once in awhile by whatever spooks i imagine that linger around... so what do i have to say for today... alot of things got the better of me. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: say what you want - texas |
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April 12th, 2005
dancing on thin ice POSTED AT 07:19 PM darn, im like dancing on thin ice here... looks like the friday getaway trip is becoming a bother, now that most of my meeting and presentation is scheduled this friday... argh... nobody wants to move their schedules... this rarely happens to me, but looks like i cant talk my way out of this predicament... though im sure i can walk out of it considering i'll be on leave friday... i just dont want to leave the rest of my group out in the open... now i have to make sure everything else will go as planned... great... i should instead be thinking of what to bring on my vacation... but im to worry what details might be left out in the meeting instead... again, one of fate's practical jokes on me... try and make me miserable and irritable before a weekend of fun... argh... its absolutely insane. i hate plot twisting the wrong way... specially the ones that doesnt go my way... i shouldnt be surprised really, in fact i should have been used to this by now... but fate always finds a way to better the twist in the end... i will always be surprised and i will always have to make the hardest decisions. there can never be an easy way... if im dancing on thin ice, might as well be graceful... fate... let's dance shall we? se il ballo di im sul ghiaccio magro, la potenza bene è come grazioso... il destino... lascia il ballo fa noi? Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: beautiful soul - jesse mccartney |
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April 13th, 2005
taking the plunge POSTED AT 07:19 PM im tired of dancing on thin ice... im taking the icy plunge... well i guess problems do tend to resolve themselves anyway... so why resist... i have come to a compromise (as usual) looks like i have to attend the friday meeting after all... my friends will wait for me to finish the meeting before we do our out of town trip... friends indeed. speaking of friends, looks like yesterday will be the last time i'll see shayder around... going off to alberta, canada... well for the next six months atleast unless she's lucky enough to find work worth staying over... dintus the cactus is pregnant again... well cant say much really, tsk tsk... im sure they know how to plan their family. snocky just broke up with her boyfriend... a dr. jekyl mr hyde presona. then its kupkeyk's birthday... darn, i miss her mom's putanesca... oh well. i should start preparing for the trip as well... i really dont know what to bring... im not even sure what the activity line-up will be... but we are good at improvising so i shouldnt worry much... but to be safe, might as well bring stuff i might need... hmmm. sunblock... shades... shorts. i think im pretty covered... im taking the plunge and let the tide bring me wherever. sono pronto a portare il tuffo. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: dancing into the moonlight - d'sound |
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April 14th, 2005
elsewhere is POSTED AT 05:47 PM im off to planet basketball... tomorrow i'll be somewhere else i havent been before... excited... maybe... ready... not really... but i think it will be fun.
well it was another ball game night filled with close fights and major upsets... my losing streak is getting longer, well ok we did win one game this time... but i hardly contributed to the cause so that wasnt much of a victory... anyway hadn't much sleep last night... preparing for tomorrows trip to fontana... soultrain will be passing by the house to pick up my clothes... i will have to meet them after the morning meeting... ugh. i can always try and sleep on the way there. wherever elsewhere is. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: melt with you - jason mraz |
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April 18th, 2005
weekend away POSTED AT 06:36 PM i am suppose to write about the weekend past... im not sure where to begin... hmmm. friday morning... after a heart breaking game thursday night and preparing whatever clothes i have to bring for the trip, not to mention chip (aka soultrain) and karl passed by the house to pick up my bags rather late... i hadnt had much sleep. i have to wake up early and attend a meeting before the trip...
"...eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die." - d matthews "the future is no place to place your better days." - d matthews the meeting was quick, met at pancake house, had a couple of pancakes and off we go to fontana, clark. stayed indoor most of the time playing with the ps2 and the board game, a game of thrones i borrowed from manny... there was beer, pizza, chips and fun... next day went to check in another hotel, played basketball on the pool, which was rather exhausting. then went straight to the sauna to sweat out and a brisk cold shower... then off to an hour long of full body massage... the funny thing was, this girl gave me a really loose and really thin boxer shorts to wear, so whenever she pulls up the sleeve to massage my legs, i'd always feel a cool draft, wahaha... hmmm, i think she was checking me out or something... i didnt know i could be sensitive in different areas of my body, i know i'm ticklish at the sole of my feet, but my inner thighs was something else, hahaha... over all the massage was great, almost fell asleep drooling. anyway after that, we had a nice dinner out in the nipa hut eating pinoy cuisine, then had a couple of beer while playing whatever games we brought. it was basically just a long poker night, out of the city, just to change the venue and far from the reaches of work and family... just a weekend away. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: amber - 311 |
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April 19th, 2005
small door from a notebook POSTED AT 09:46 PM a queue of emotions and thoughts... inside a long corridor with a small door at the end. waiting, and waiting. different emotions get restless overtime, they push and they shove... random thoughts get bored, they come, they go. some emotions bumps into thoughts, those thoughts become irrational. some thoughts bumps into emotions, those emotions become paranoid. some emotions gather, hoping to calm down. some thoughts gather searching for a bright idea. they all want out of the small door. but some of the restless emotions started banging at the small door... some thoughts tried to reason with them, but their voice gets drowned by the banging... then more random thoughts started coming, crowding the narrow corridor... emotions gets hurt by too much thoughts... they start pounding harder... and random thoughts still keeps coming crowding, drowning... the pounding gets harder on the small door, thoughts pushing everywhere... until the small door opens to anger. found this piece in one of my old notebooks... i forgot the reason why i wrote it to begin with. actually there are other stuff i wrote down that i forgot i did... i never knew i described anger that way... sometimes i surprise even myself. spent the day out on site, sigh... so much to do so little time... looks like a cloudless day... sunshine is everywhere but here. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree g gavriel kay Listening to: go let it out - oasis |
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April 21st, 2005
a boxful of questions POSTED AT 02:36 PM its amazing how much you could know yourself and other people because of a box of questions... it is good to answer questions you normally dont ask yourself. and though some questions may come as silly or absurd, mostly the "what if's", your answer would always have a ring of truth, even if your answers are just as silly or absurd. come to think of it, everybody answers honestly confronted with a silly question. who would take silly questions seriously anyway. another funny truth i found out is, sometimes we just have no answer for a particular question what so ever... i guess there are some ideas that absolutely never crossed our mind... so when the question is brought up, we are just dumb struck. i thought i could answer question given to me... i could always say "i dont know"... but then there are some questions where in all you can ever answer is "i never thought of that." i have so many question running through my mind, and i dont think i have the time to think out some answers, but sometimes the answer presents themselves anyway, that is if i remember the question then... but i guess questions are natural in life, there are always too many unknown... and sadly some will remain forever unknown... for some will forever be unanswered. i just hope i get more answers in life as i go along... i do hope also that i asked the right questions.... .... but then there is always the magic (8) ball, wahaha... outlook hazy, ask again later. la prospettiva nebbiosa, chiede ancora dopo. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: emotions - beegees |
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April 25th, 2005
wide awake, redeux, fire and temptations POSTED AT 11:56 PM eyes wide awake... im trying to keep my eyes open... well its the home stretch now for the presentation tomorrow... huff, huff... this thing is like cramming for a college project all over again... i dont think i'll sleep tonight... again... i knew i shouldnt have stayed up late sunday night... but im drawn like a moth to a flame... now i have to struggle to overcome the consequence i bore upon myself... nothing beats self inflicted struggle... what else can i say... i like challenging myself. weekend away redeux... the weekend was a blast in quezon... company outing are good if the camaraderie is present... played all sorts of beach games and party games at night, just to get to know everybody better... then a small drinking session which eventually lead to a variant of strip poker... and crap, i lost... oh well... moral lesson never play strip poker with only two articles of clothing... the morning was snorkling around this coral bed... i didnt see much... except for this one peso coin that i couldnt dive in to retrieve... oh well... and of course the outing is nothing without a good game of basketball... with sandals and sand... tough... but it was great anyway. fire and temptations... jhaney asked before... if i can stand in the center of the fire and not shrink back... i answered then i could endure... looking back at it, i think it was her way of asking if i loved her... she knew then that loving her would give me pain... considering i was the third wheel... i did endure, for the sake of love, i did endure... until the pain was unbearable... in the end, i can only let go... will i not fall into temptation? i think i will, there are some things i am weak on... the call of flesh would probably be one of them... can't say i am lustful anyway... i dont think i'd enjoy forcing myself on anyone... consent and returned passion is definitely the only way of getting any. i'd rather like to call it a healthy libido... speaking of one healthy libido, this marga girl harry introduced was definitely something... i dont know how we ended up talking about sex, but i sure was glad we did... must keep my eyes wide open... Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: why - avril lavigne |
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April 26th, 2005
zoned out and looming shadows POSTED AT 09:30 PM slept through most of the day... after the 9am presentation i head back home, stopping over to get some lunch... soon as i got home i hit the bed and blanked out... ...next thing i know its 6pm already. i think i'll have problem sleeping tonight. this break will somehow scramble up my schedule again... sigh. i might have to visit my dentist soon, though i dread the idea but i think im beginning to feel some sensitivity in one of my not so wise wisdom tooth... might as well bring on the pain. today feels different... i know im used to long sleepless night but i just feel zoned out today... i know i have a lot of things i'm suppose to do specially with this unplanned break, but all i can manage is to write here... there is comfort in writing. did i mention how humid it was today... huff... this heat is unbelievable, and its not even may yet... huff. i dont know, but looks like there is a looming shadow over me... i feel a depression coming... cant explain why or how... side note: former dean of college of arki passed away today. dean honrario fernandez, im just one of the many persons his wisdom has touched and inspired. many will miss him. Listening to: everybody's changing - keane |
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April 28th, 2005
what dreams may come POSTED AT 06:31 PM bad dreams... i do wake up from time to time because of bad dreams... last night, rather this early morning is just one of my sudden awakening... i was dreaming my tooth was like breaking and falling off as i spoke... i was like alarmed cause it felt real... i woke up in panic... then i checked my teeth, but they were all accounted for... whew... i had similar dreams and they say loosing a tooth in dream meant death... i remember one time in college when i dreamt of falling tooth... a friend's dad died that day... i hope it was all coincidence. i dont want to be a harbinger of death. when im high with fever... i always had just one nightmare when i was a kid... and it has always been the same and unchanged... i wasin bed looking at the night sky with stars and the moon, then the moon becomes bigger and bigger falling on to me... i try to extend my arms and legs to push it away, and just before i great crushed by the moonlight, i awaken, always sweating and shaking... i havent had that dream anymore, but i still remember how scared i was. weird dreams... i do wake up from time to time because of weird dreams... normally i wake up confused or smiling because of the absurdity of it... i remember one time i dreamt that everybody was speaking in old shakespearean english... i was amazed cause i was quoting lines from macbeth or romeo and juliet... then there was one time i was taking this english test when it suddenly rained inside the classroom... i raised my hand to ask the teacher if i could open my umbrella... weird. i'm not really sure where those images came from but some of them where really hillarious... there was one time i dreamt of my own wake, me lying in a coffin looking up on all those looking at my body... then as a spirit i would rise up and find out my wake was in the old high school library then i'd check the books that i've never seen there before... disturbing... sweet dreams are made of these... funny, these are the dreams i hardly remember, in fact i cant recall one... im not sure why, but i do remember waking up smiling... but like i said, i forget the reason... i hardly dream about love... or anything romantic... i know i do, but the detail escaped me... my liquid dreams... i only had three of these occassion and only once was i not aware of... surprisingly all was about sex, but i never did recognize who i was doing it with... and amazingly enough, the actions did feel real... i'm really sure what my precondition was that lead to this kind of dream... i would like to know, so i can try and program it... nothing beats natural virtual reality rumping... i have this week long nights when i have dreams which i always remember... mostly weird dreams and or bad dreams... and there are times when i just have mostly dreamless sleep... when i have these weeklong dreams, i call them a window... cause it happens on cycles of two to three months... i remember i had two dreams from a certain window which became real... and i'd realize a situation that hits me like a dejavu... with exact details, people involved and the dialogue... cant say im psychic, but i swear it happened twice, once in highschool and once again in college... i have yet to realize another... dreams are such mysteries to me. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: wake up everybody - harold melvin and the blue nots |
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