Entries for June, 2005
June 3rd, 2005
in sickness and in health POSTED AT 06:02 PM its been a while since i felt really sick i thought i'd die... anyway i pulled off an all nighter tuesday night to finish up materials for the next day presentation, i promised hayley i'd give all the necessary drawings... i never back out on herculean task before so tuesday night was not an exception. i was feeling bad already, but i had to do it. i didnt however forsee the wednesday site visit to be physically taxing... so after not sleeping and then spending the whole day going up and down inspecting buildings again and again... something has got to give... i went straight home feeling tired and all... by night time i was feverish and having fits of chills... i was going down with something... but i thought i'd probably feel better in the morning... the day of clouds. i was wrong, the next day was worse, my joints were aching, im having migraine attacks, and still very much feverish. i decided not to go to work and rest it out, with much convincing from an overseeing clouds... looks like no planet basketball for me that day... i genuinely got scared... i thought i might not make it through the night... i was burning with fever by early evening... i called doc des up and told my symptoms and what im going through and assured me that i'd be fine... sure enough after an hour rattling under heavy blankets i began feeling better. my mom came home to check on me, well i told her to come and she did. i felt safer atleast sleeping. i always hate being sick... i find it a lose of oppurtunity and a lose of life... i could remember alot of events or occassions i had to miss because i was sick. i wish everyone good health. i wish everyone good health. i wish every one good health. funny how i didnt turned out to become a doctor... i never like hospitals anyway... everytime im in one, i feel sick, even if im just visiting and all... i could get paranoid sometimes, i read medical books for a hobby back in high school... there were so much nursing books my aunt left in the house to read on... do i self medicate... well yes, but only at some point were i think i can cure myself... but if anything last more than ah life, in sickness and in health, it must go on. life must go on. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: virtual insanity - jamiroquai 4 thought(s) that matters...
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June 7th, 2005
cold as expected POSTED AT 10:25 PM i am made of hollow ice. insensitive. i am the absence of senses. what is taste, what is sound, what is color, what is scent, what is feeling. i hurt people for i do not know feeling from color, or scent, or taste, or sound. i am made of hollow ice. all i feel is cold. cold. i am the absence of warmth. i envy warmth... i covet. i steal warmth but i can not keep it... my hollow self smothers the warmth i steal. i can not keep it. i dont know why. i am made of hollow ice. empty. i am hollow within. do i have a soul? do i have conscience? do i know what is good from bad and wrong from right? i cannot tell for i am hollow within, i am empty. no warmth can fill me... i can not be complete. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: phobic - plumb |
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June 14th, 2005
spoken in silence POSTED AT 06:43 PM it’s been awhile since i have written anything on my journal… last week was busy and very much emotional of sort. i have to admit i am lost and undirected… i don’t want to think much right now, work has been getting the better part of me lately. silence says a lot of things… i kinda learned about something about silence recently… it does say a lot… and perhaps that is why it has always been misunderstood. it seems that relationship thrives and fails due to communication, looks easy perhaps, but in reality it’s absolutely difficult. it isn’t just a matter of talking and saying what’s on your head or heart... it's also saying about the truth... and then there is the tricky part of not saying what's on your head or heart. it is also not saying about what is the truth. there are some words spoken in silence. i have learned to be mindful of what people are not saying… it may not necessarily have to be a big secret but it always seems important anyway… and most often very personal. i am mindful of what i am not saying as well. there are still something i find personal that i wouldn’t want to talk about, not out of shame, but because of sentiments and perhaps a little selfishness. there are things and situations in my life that other people will never understand. i never bother explaining. i always believe that it is what makes it special, but perhaps that is just me. silence says a lot of things… silence is guilt and being sorry. it is the most common interpretation of silence. i guess when you have done something awful to a person it is always better to say sorry and then shut up. by doing so, one can avoid confrontation and arguments when things are still heated up. Talking and making excuses are really meaningless… sometimes sorry is the only thing one needs to hear. silence is defeat and being wise. silence in an argument is always interpreted as defeat. It is that moment when suddenly you doubt your resolution. this moment of hesitation to reply back means your resolve has been shaken. it is always prudent to shut up when you have nothing good to say especially on topics you don’t know anything about… well maybe when you are asking a good question. silence is content and being happy. when all seems are just what you want to be you can only fall silent and smile and be happy or when you look at other people’s eye and then smile as you turn and look away and you are humming in your mind a happy song. silence is misery and being sad. when your tears don’t fall anymore, and you stare and see nothing but what could have been or what should be, when you have shallow breathe and a heavy chest. silence is bravery and being tough. when you see a forth coming pain and just suck air and hold your breathe and grimace through the suffering. after that entire ordeal you stand up and shrug the dirt off your shoulder without saying a word. il silenzio dice molte cose ...that is perhaps the reason why it is deafening. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: silent sigh - badly drawn boy |
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June 18th, 2005
jabs and straights POSTED AT 03:00 PM looks like the boxing training last wednesday will become a mainstay in my weekly schedule... the cardiovascular benefit is tremendous not to mention what a major stress reliever it is to punch out all your frustration and pent-up anger on a willing punching bag... but the body pain is worse after compared to playing on planet basketball... but it hurts so good. forward step jab, jab, side step straight. looks like you cant have all the time you want for everything you want to do... work seems to eat up much of my time... damn... i wish i was so filthy rich i wouldnt have to worry about money matters. side step, back step, jab, jab. i feel like im in a small square room recently, having a hard time breathing my soul out, i feel a tightness around me that i am not used too... i need a small window to sigh perhaps. i have now realized that i am a free spirit... perhaps freedom is a state of mind... will i not feel free if i dont see the cage that surrounds me? perhaps it is a feeling... for i see no bars to contain me yet you sense bondage and captivity. a sense of a watchful eye that never sleeps... a small square room... there is no window for me to sigh. i want out to follow the sun. side step forward step jab, jab, jab , straight. wednesday... much else to learn, much else to do, much else to enjoy and despair... i go where life takes me. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: perfect - smashing pumpkins |
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June 22nd, 2005
misplaced time POSTED AT 06:11 PM feeling kind of lethargic today... probably because i havent had much rest since yesterday's boxing slash basketball training... i really shouldnt do that again... well maybe until a few more weeks of training. still having body aches but i shouldnt be complaining cause i do enjoy the new found sport anyway. this lethargic feeling seems involuntary... i know i have so many thing else to do, but the will escapes me. not only do i have a low drive for work... i also seem to suffer from a creative draught. i have been ignoring my guitar as well... i see it everyday but i never get a chance to pick it up and strum one or two chords. i havent been writing in my journal lately as well... its not that nothing has been happening worth writing in fact its quite the opposite... i constantly visit the site from time to time but i never seem to write anything... i remember i use to start writing something up and then delete everything up anyway... i havent got much to say, rather i havent got much time to say anything about whatever. i have been losing time... losing time big time... who's the thief? it is rather unimaginable to be losing time when time is one of the primary constant in the universe. however in my own universe, i seem to be losing time constantly. i am short of time... how i wish i could keep time in a bottle. i could probably chug one or two, sigh. or probably buy over the counter time capsules or something... hopefully you could get one without prescription, sigh. where do lost time go? does it go to some lost and found place somewhere in the corner of the universe? maybe i can retrieve lost time if i get to recognize it that it is mine... i wish it was that simple... i guess lost time is lost forever. i have been losing time... i wonder how? too much work? too much fun? too much sleeping? too much playing? does it always have to be too much of something? maybe i havent been losing time... perhaps it is just misplaced somewhere. i guess i have been placing time in the wrong shelves or pocket or table or wherever that time shouldnt be. sigh. i guess that's what happens when i dont value time, i tend to misplace it. perhaps i value something else. have to start looking for lost time and put it in a bottle. i have been losing time... perdo il tempo... ma lo troverò il tempo. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: hale - the day you say goodnight |
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June 27th, 2005
larrikin and icarus POSTED AT 03:28 PM i'm such a troublesome person... i seem to hurt anything and anyone close to me. unintentional or premeditated... either way i seem to inflict hurt. im sorry for the trouble i have caused, i am sorry for the pain i have inflicted, i am sorry. to escape, daedalus built wings for himself and icarus, fashioned with feathers held together with wax. daedalus warned his son not to fly too close to the sun, as it would melt his wings, and not too close to the sea, as it would dampen them and make it hard to fly.
i know i am better than this... but it seems so hard for me to change... i am a troublesome person... i am dumb... for logic and reason escapes me... i do not know what is good for me or what is bad. i will shoot myself on the foot, and i will laugh and cry at the same time, for i am dumb. they successfully flew from crete, but icarus grew exhilarated by the thrill of flying and began getting careless. daedalus would have warned. never get too close to the sun!! i never knew what i wanted... would i have known what i have lost... why am i being dumb... i should be isolated... i could never be among the crowd... i am a troublsome person... i am dangerous. must keep distant, before i destroy anything else that is left unharmed. icarus soars. flying too close to the sun, the wax holding together his wings melted from the heat and he fell to his death, drowning in the sea. daedalus would have warned... poor icarus... blame the sun... blame the dream to fly... poor icarus... daedalus would have warned. larrikin n; a troublesome person Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: broken sonnet - hale |
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June 28th, 2005
a tinted day POSTED AT 11:46 PM the sky casts no shadow today... not that the sun has gone away. i feel an overcast on a clear day... probably just the tired feeling of too much work. daedalus would have loved a day like this... icarus would have soared... daedalus would not worry with the sun melting the wax that holds the feathers of the wings... for the sky cast no shadow today... even with the sun up... it has been a cold day. it seems that new and old projects are cropping up... looks like i will be busy for the rest of the year. unless i decide not to be. i should look out for my self from time to time. daedalus would watch icarus soar and glide... for the sky casts no shadow today. icarus is free to chase his dream to fly... there is no sun to melt the wax that holds the feathers of the wings. perhaps a timely solitude is needed, maybe to reassess my life... i havent been finding time for myself lately... i was able to clean my room sunday... there seems to be some semblance of order in my four corners, not to mention all the stuff i found again which i thought i lost. boxing feels great, tiring but great. punching out your worries away is just so helpful... Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree Listening to: speed of sound - cold play |
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June 30th, 2005
the imposibility of me POSTED AT 07:02 PM perhap my fear of assuming what people think or misreading between the lines gets the better of me... misunderstanding has gotten myself into a lot of trouble that way... or maybe perhaps i dont like the idea of beating around the bush or not cutting into the chase... impatience has put me into alot of trouble as well... i am a 1.5 coke liter that wont open... behind double meanings, reading between the lines, the opposite of everthing else, interpretting symbols and catching the signs; these have always been the key. the key that opens the door of understanding an individual. i have to admit i am a bit slow picking up small signals, hints or signs; i may misinterpret double meanings or those that are between the lines, and that is perhaps why i get discouraged easily. but i rather like truth coming in like a runaway train, or a speeding bus... ok maybe not. perhaps i do not handle the truth so well. maybe i am imposible. i am a 1.5 coke liter that wont open... Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - gavriel kay Listening to: out of my head - fastball |
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