something to fix
POSTED AT 09:01 PM

cruboy

i need to fix me...

i think i am broken... i have so many defects... i am made up of different ragtag patches and spare parts...

i almost passed out out of exhaustion in my boxing session yesterday... i swear after two rounds of bag and two rounds of mits my vision was darkening and i felt like throwing up and i couldnt lift my arms... bleck...  i shouldnt have over extended myself in the bag...

its easy to get carried away putting your aggression on a non-moving and non-resisting target.  pounding the hapless sand bag felt good until after the next two round of intense focus punching training... i should have been warned...

sometimes i feel like im not at all fit... maybe i am not... i dont think i have a healthy lifestyle... well it is good i still have some form of exercise... and that my practicality stilll watch my diet... and i could never learn how to smoke... not to mention this annoying fit of a cough i have recently developed... i might be pushing my body to the limit... but then life is too short not to enjoy.  am i burning out... i hope not.

i need to find my self disicipline... i must have lost it along the way to growing up... i shouldnt have mispaced it... i might have a little use of it afterall... sigh.  i guess this is some indication that i have changed... not for the better... 

i need to fix me... ho bisogno di ripararme

"i need something to live. a meaning. a reason.  i've been all alone in my life." -journal entry august 1999

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay
Listening to: kwarto - sugarfree

in between something and nothing
POSTED AT 07:24 PM

cruboy

i am a misfit...

where could i be placed... i am such a misfit but there has to be a place for me to be  kept...

i am a misfit... i have no place to be but to be in between something and nothing...  i would have loved to call that place my own... i could have made it a palace, i could easily have called it home.

between something and nothing... i was really special... i felt i had a place there... for i was in between something and nothing... i would have loved to call that place my own... i could have made it a palace, i could have called it home.

i wonder why that place could not be spared for me... perhaps i do not deserve a place... who would want a misfit... who would want me... wasnt i was invited, wasnt i welcomed, wasnt i a good guest?  i have imagined a place to be in between something and nothing... that probably was nothing at all.  i would have loved to call that place my own... i could have made it a palace, i could have called it home.

i am a misfit... sono un inadatto

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay
Listening to: no ordinary morning - chicane

surfing on the swells of changes
POSTED AT 11:24 PM

cruboy

i guess change really is inevitable... well i am being in denial about it but i guess sometimes life can just put things right in front of your face and you just can not ignore the fact...  sometimes i hate when life does that.

well, change isnt happening in my life right now, not yet anyway... but i can feel that some unseen forces are moving things... and the way i feel the breeze going and shifting, its looking to be something...

i shouldnt be really be afraid of changes... it happens alot anyway... i should have been used to it by now... maybe because i am sentimental or maybe i get too comfortable with anything... or maybe i hate the hassle of adjusting... or trying to belong. 

i should see change as an oppurtunity... maybe change is all about it.

change is like a wave... constantly washing the shores of my crazy life... and fate like the moon stirs the tide and unleashes storms... giving the wave some variety... some small rolling swells and then some huge thrashing one... and when fate throws in that one big good wave... all i must do is paddle my way to meet it... duck diving to get to the line up waiting for that one wave... and when i'm at top of all that changes... all i have to do is stand up and shout "surf's up!" and ride it.

ride the wave of change... might as well enjoy it... and if i should fall or get wiped out and in the soup or get all washed up on the shore... well at least i got some good story to tell... i would talk about the mullering i had trying to ride that one wave cause sometimes even if that one big change you are trying to ride get broken on the rocks and never reached the shores... that is enough change... learning is just enough change... change for the better.

Reading: harry potter and the half blood prince
Listening to: laundrymat - nivea

favors and thank you's
POSTED AT 04:46 PM

cruboy

finally back at planet basketball yesterday, everything was going great when the rain started pouring in... the court got a bit wet and for everyone's safety, we had to wait til the rain stopped... i dont think any amount of rain could stop us from going to planet basketball... 

i ought to be doing more favors.... i believe in what comes around goes around... i believe in karma... i try as much as i can to be accomodating when it comes to call of distress... extended a helping hand or two...  i havent been a good friend from time to time... i have on most occassion have been selfish... i really should not try to apologize for it, but then there are times i should... but it is never my intention to take friends for granted... it is unfortunate that it appears so.   for that i am deeply sorry.

i ought to be doing more favors.... and i shouldnt be thinking of the rewards or the renumerations, the fame and the decorations...  but of course i wouldnt mind if my efforts get to be appreciated from time to time... and i usually give the best effort i can... most of the time anyway.

i ought to be doing more favors.... earning allies and establishing footholds is important as well... and with such profession i practice, small favors done for clients and friends from time to time are like small investments and some of them do yield high returns...  it is a scratch my itch and i'll scratch your itch world.

i ought to be doing more favors.... maybe just for the thank you's.  yeah maybe just for it.

(saw session road live last night after the ball game... the gig was good, the ride home was better i think.)

Reading: harry potter and the half blood prince
Listening to: cool off - session road

selling the drama class
POSTED AT 10:52 PM

cruboy

i remember drama class... i miss it so... the magic of the theater is really something else...  i remember i was happy then... the anxiety over the lines you've put in your head, the excitement of the production...

if i profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: my lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

i sometimes wish life would be something like the theater...  every scene has its cue... the lighting always perfect, the scene romantic, the music is so apt to the mood... the words like lyrics from some ancient songs, poetic yet clear and true.

good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,which mannerly devotion shows in this; for saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,and palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.

i always wanted my life to have a soundtrack... just like in the movies... something like an inner walkman, a tune playing inside your head... that would be great i think... but i wonder who would pick the music.

have not saints lips, and holy palmers too? ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

music, songs and movies are like markers for me, like a tag in a timeline... a photograph in my life. its like when i hear a particular song it generates memories so vivid and as clear as the music i hear.

o, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do; they pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair. saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.

i remember drama class... those were the days i thought i'd grow up to be a writer... but alas, im not that good with words or stories that touches soul... and i remember the company as well... there was so much fun staying after school for rehersals... you could always goof around, eat dinner together and talk, make up skits about the funniest thing that happened that day, and then of course there are the girls...

then move not, while my prayer's effect I take. thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged. then have my lips the sin that they have took.

i remember drama class... maybe particularly because those were the times i've really come to close and work with girls... its amazing then how they could stay clean and smelling good... all the guys would try all sort of antics to get noticed... i, on the otherhand, just like the view...  late bloomer i am...

sin from thy lips? o trespass sweetly urged! give me my sin again.

but i think im fine.

ps. del's birthday today, almost forgot.

Reading: harry potter and the half blood prince
Listening to: this love - maroon 5

rusty knights and damsels in distress
POSTED AT 07:00 PM

cruboy

the knight in rusty armor...

i dont think chivalry is dead... it may be dying... but it isnt entirely dead... and i think women should be happy in a way that it isnt dead entirely... considering the gender equality issue...

i have no problem with the gender equality issue... i respect the need for equal oppurtunity but sometimes you can not help but to try be chivalric about damsels in distress scenario...  it is like a call of duty that has to be heeded... but i have to admit i am not  consistent with the chivalric code... i do have the tendency to choose which damsel in distress to save... i did not say im perfect...i am imperfect

sometimes being able to help damsels in distress are good... the sigh of relief from the princess is better than the a thousand spoken thank you's... bearing their weight from a hug seems the lightest load... a kiss is more than any wealth in the world...

im fine being a knight in rusty armor from time to time, and though i may look forward to the rewards if there are any... i still am sincere in helping out.

i am the knight in rusty armor constantly on a look out for damsel to destress...

 

haha... i dont think that sounded right

...but a knight nonetheless -  more or less.

been watching naruto lately... just trying to get updated with the story anyway.

Reading: harry potter and the half blood prince
Listening to: dont worry baby - the beach boys

damn deluge
POSTED AT 09:03 PM

cruboy

the dam must hold... il diga deve tenere..

i have been feeling like a dam lately... im holding back on alot of things... and the sad part is because i have to... the dam must hold or else it will flood the poor sleepy town down the valley.  so many innocent lives will be lost, so many homes that will be destroyed. 

but the rain of emotions keep coming and the water keeps rising...  the foundation must not be shaken, relief gates must be opened time and again... for the dam must hold or else it will flood the poor sleepy town down the valley. 

i have been feeling like a dam lately... how so easy to let go... a deluge of emotions that will carelessly sweep everything aside... all the rules, all obligations, all morals, all conscience, all guilt... all away... oh, how so easy to let go...

the dam must hold... il diga deve tenere...

so full to the brim it hurts, a trickle, a drop... so needed to be empty... to be filled again... but damn, the dam must hold or else it will flood the poor sleepy town down the valley.  who wants disaster.

but the storms of passion keep passing and the monsoon keeps pouring... the cracks must be sealed, the walls must be reinforced... for the dam must hold or it will break.

i have been feeling like a dam lately... how so easy to let go... still it holds...

damn...

Reading: harry potter and the half blood prince
Listening to: hold me now - wayne wonder

so not meant to be broken
POSTED AT 09:47 PM

cruboy

im not so good with promises... i have been said to be... time and again... by different people... friends, lovers... teachers, brothers... clients, superiors... colleagues and strangers... 

i feel like a liar... i feel like a cheat... i am so untrustworthy... so undependable.

how could i forget, how could i ignore, how could i... damn! how could i... i have no one to blame really... im so not good with promises... maybe i should not say what i will do... cause i wont... maybe i should not plan... cause i dont follow through. 

i am such a fool... i feel like a liar... i feel like a cheat... i am so untrustworthy... so undependable.

im so not good with promises... i have been reminded... time and again... i could never learn... i should just shut up, i should not say anything... i have failed so many friends this way... and as much as i dont want it to be so... i do... i always do.  i am nothing but excuses

sad that it is now so expected of me... to be so not good with promises... to be such a fool... a liar... a cheat... untrustworthy and so undependable.  who needs the kind like me...

i should not say anything... i'm sorry for all the things i said i meant to do but i did not. i'm sorry for all the plans i made that i never followed through.   i'm sorry if i did not turn out to be as expected.  i'm so sorry.

Reading: harry potter and the half blood prince
Listening to: gemini - sugarfree

those little things
POSTED AT 09:56 PM

cruboy

those little things...

i would be doing my daily chores, finishing up on work, or perhaps on my way home, or talking to a friend over dinner, or reading a good book or watching a senseless tv show... and then it pops up...  more often than not it comes in cute tiny packages so hard to ignore... as soon as it caught your attention... it turns into those... damn little things.

then you try to ignore it, so you go look away... but then out of plain sight its there... so you close your eyes and hum a tune in your head... and then its there singing with you, first so soft until its deafening... damn those little things.

and when you have become paranoid and aware of it... you just happen to see it in everything, everywhere, even in everyone... it uses your relatives, co-workers and even your closest friends...  its like they are mind controlled and they do not know what they say... they ramble... those damn little things.

there seem to be no escape... damn.

from those little things... that reminds you that you are lonely... sigh.

* 

Reading: harry potter and the half blood prince
Listening to: drop of jupiter - train

finding center
POSTED AT 10:32 PM

cruboy

im trying to find my center...  i am a satellite and i just want to orbit around a fix center.  where does my life revolve?  who does it revolve to?  i must have been wondering in space for quite sometime now... like a comet on the loose... i need to find my center...

my body is hurting after the boxing session yesterday... damn foot work exercises are tiring, and the abdominal crunches are abominable, and the mitts... ugh... i get to get coach ferrer... infinite punches... damn... i ran out of angst for the punches and yet we were still at it... i could not feel my left arm... should buy a lighter gloves...

sometime i wish that there is just this huge gravity, perhaps a star that will pull me in its orbit... so then i can have a center... where my life can revolve around to... but stars fade and i find myself wondering in space again... like a comet on the loose... where is my center?

damn so much work to be done... still need to do more details, so many stuff to be designed, so many drawings to check, corrected or revised... but i think it is good... it preoccupies me from finding my center...

im trying to find my center... i want to be a satellite... i can not be the center... i would be a difficult center, it will be like the moon orbiting around the earth that revolves around the sun... spinning. 

Reading: harry potter and the half blood prince
Listening to: high and dry - jamie cullum