Entries for December, 2005
December 6th, 2005
the way we play... POSTED AT 02:55 PM its been awhile since i have written down anything... last week have been busy,and i have alot to write about... i think i ought to start with the result of the sunday league and the insight i had after. i love this game. and so i am to you. there are many reasons why we play... and alot more ways how to play... the sunday league is over and unfortunately the rrv2 is out of the running since two sundays ago. we had the reason to play... and that was to win the game... ultimately a test of character. i thought we were playing it right in the first half of the ball game... we were aggressive and we wanted to win, we had a huge lead at the end of the half but like all stories there had to be some twist of events. when the opponent suddenly tried to make a come back playing it strong on the dying last quarter, we changed how we play the game... we were now playing not to lose... and by doing so, we looked more desperate, unsure and exhausted. desperation led to hasty decisions which led to misjudgment and errors. no huge lead is safe. for i can not keep you... in the end, the game became a clenched teeth brawl... two team clawing at one another for survival... it took luck to decide the outcome... fortune was not on our side in the end, we have stopped to be daring, perhaps because we thought we could lose... and so we did. it is like so in life, in a way... live to pursue or live to hold on. how i love to hold on, if only there were hands reaching out for me. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: two of us - amiee mann & michael penn 2 thought(s) that matters...
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December 8th, 2005
winter is coming! POSTED AT 10:00 PM tis' the season... as always, to be jolly... who wouldn't anyway? with all the twinkling lights, brightly colored lanterns and overly decorated trees and houses... carols are lingering in the cold air, it is infectious in a way. i think i have enough reasons to be a little bit happy this season... more than last year i think. i shouldn’t really make myself feel down... i know i haven’t really had enough things done this year but i think i know myself a little more better now, so that could be an accomplishment in some way... i never did like the lenten season in some way... not that i haven’t got the spirit... or that i’m a trying scrooge... its really more the timing of certain events that happened in my life that makes the season a little less exciting for me. it has been getting better though... winter is coming! cool! the much awaited a feast for crows is out, the book four of jrr martin's a song of ice and fire is out... yup pretty much out... out of stock that is... huff. i guess i have to wait for the paperback version... but the winter edition of the card game is out as well... as an avid collector, i think its worthwhile spending on such a hobby. would like to see the hard cover book of "the arts of game of thrones" as well... would want to win one in the tourney as well... sigh. it sure is worth fighting over. it has been a while since i have been dropping by xp on the weekends... well now that the sunday league is over... i should try and get back in the loop again. would not want to be left behind on happenings that is. winter has cometh. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: ultraelectromagnetic jam |
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December 12th, 2005
lucky, deadly, sassy, crazy POSTED AT 07:17 PM friday. lucky. had an early christmas party... anyway the food wasnt particularly fantastic... i never tasted a saltier ham in my life... i had to spit it out or dry my tongue up with all the salt. not much interesting game... specially when you had to be wrapped up in japanese paper, cardboard, scotch tape and cotton as santa claus... huff. not to mention winning nothing but a tepanyaki grill and cash... o but cash is good. after that went straight to another christmas party... food was much better... nothing beats old kfc classic. anyway... the party ended up as poker night texas river style... ended up winning the entire pot... i was savy with the bluffs and counters... blue is all about control, as i kept saying that night. it was rather pretty unorthodox, my game style... but it sure did put everyone guessing my move. folding all of a sudden, when the stakes are high... or constantly raising the stake in small increment then going all in the last... but of course i think i was lucky that night. saturday. deadly. i think i was still lucky... after attending a rainy wedding at UP, jei's and stella's... had to drop by xp for the first of four week of the feast for crow tourney event. ended up playing the winter edition, which wasn't bad at all... ended winning the tourney... won the big book, some useful promo cards and gold certificates... sigh. winter is coming! sunday. sassy. bummed and slept most of the day... then decided to watch the english subtitled video of my sassy girl. i thought the lead girl was cute and funny... i kind of enjoyed the mushiness of the movie... hmm... i have to admit im a sucker for mush movies... but hey, im comfortable with it. then off for a much needed haircut... i think i ought to kill my barber this time... hair's too short i think... sigh. monday. crazy. all these new responsibilities are falling into my lap... hard. huff... sink or swim my friend... sink or swim. tomorrow i will be bearer of the bad news.... and messengers are shot dead.
Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: bamboo - hallelujah Feeling: stressed |
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December 13th, 2005
between the jagged rocks and tidal waves POSTED AT 04:52 PM i have told the bad news... at tara in this fateful hour now, i'm currently hating myself for putting myself in between the jagged rocks and tidal waves. silly dolt. i have spent most of my unproductive time thinking on how to extricate myself from this predicament... a predicament i have created two years ago... who would have thought... certainly it wasn't me. and the sun with its brightness, its rather hard to discuss or explain events that have been stretched out for quite sometime... i should have snipped it then... bottomline is i would have to be blamed. i dont mind being singled out as the culprit... i am just disappointed at myself for making it happen. and the fire with all the strength it hath, and the reasons are not even at all convincing... i couldn't even convince my self... *sigh. and the winds with their swiftness along their path, these are the moments i wish life had an undo button... but it isn't so... i have to bear the consequence. anyway, just wanted to share... and the rocks with their steepness, i feel abandoned... nobody is around to save me somehow... i'll go get ready for the wash out. all these i place Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: orange and lemons - huwag kang matakot Feeling: crappy |
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December 16th, 2005
of straying and staying POSTED AT 09:36 PM im straying again... straying on to a path of self destruction again... sigh... i kind of hate it when people dont trust me regarding responsibilities and decision-making... i tend not to disappoint them, specially when my ego gets in and tells me i have nothing to prove. but then i am guilty sometimes of going over board regarding freedom too. i havent really figured out how to resolve this matter about myself. i need a guide and motivator, i just wish i have abundance of it. i need something or someone to remind me to stay on track, and not go astray. it seems that i have dropped my discipline somewhere... i cant seem to find it these days. i am told by somebody to have some items added to my ever increasing and never seem to be changing new year's resolution list. thats like making me add more disappointments to look up for... as if i havent have enough... am i straying again... straying unto the path of self destruction... maybe im tired of proving people wrong... i know i have been an over achiever back in school... that was what my guidance counselor told me after my aptitude test... im no genius, just an over achiever. im a burnt out over achiever... maybe not, i still care about me, what i can do and about the people who put their faith in me... that alone should motivate me not to be a disappointment. stay the course! ps. last visit to planet basketball yesterday... looking forward to more ball game next year... going for year nine... that is something... that is just something... pss. its wonderful to have friends who would make your day better... drops by to give a christmas gift that you dont expect to get is something else... that is just something else. thanks! Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: wonderful - adam ant |
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December 21st, 2005
reasons and seasons POSTED AT 01:27 PM its the season to be jolly they say... i know i have mentioned this sometime before... i don't recall ever being genuinely happy during the yuletide season... or maybe i do but i guess there are just more other memories about it that are not as happy... and though i am aware that there are so many other reasons to be happy about, sometimes i guess when you know the thing that would give you joy is something you will not have for christmas makes all other reasons pale and shallow. im not sure what i want... and though i know there are so many selfish reasons to want almost anything... i am however looking into something more intangible this time... and selfless. i might be being overly dramatic or perhaps a bit idealistic... it all goes back to my life long quest for purpose and meaning. the year is about to end again... i dont think i'd like to trace back the resolutions i had for this year... there are still enough days before christmas, i think i should make haste, i will find that reason somehow. ...i know i will. Reading: a feast for crows - grr martin Listening to: all i want for christmas - olivia olson |
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December 27th, 2005
nor breathe or presence POSTED AT 05:52 PM happy holidays. happy. yesterday. yesterday i was genuinely happy... for a lot of reason and one. it is amazing how you can dream so vividly of the past and the present or perhaps even the future. yesterday morning i kind of dreamt about the past and present and perhaps even the future combined. happy past and happy present and to recognize a familiar face... one which you'd like to see in the dream, happier still. i knew i was smiling when i woke. i had a good feeling about that day... i am happy. the circles of spies... well i was off a bit late than what i had originally planned, having a hard time deciding what to play for the tourney. i have a marginal and very uncomforatable lead over dabs in terms of overall points going into week three... i just have to sustain whatever lead i have to win that hard cover art book... i am happy. after losing the first match to rich, i had an inspiration coming down and watching over... i manage to scrounge two victories over top contenders like dabs and manny... ending up second but with a substantial and comfortable lead in winning the much coveted hard cover art. i am happy. dinner, coffee... the ride home was sweet. silly. today. back to work, quite unusual, no one is around. well nothing much to do but clean the mess i had around... perhaps its much to do... i am overly worked about something and even excited about nothing... i ought to have expected it so, nor should not have counted on it. i am being silly. i should not be looking for something to hit my head on or that to beat my chest with. i may have known what i was looking for but perhaps i was expecting a different effect. again, i am being silly. and when i am being silly, i dont seem to think right... i end up upsetting that one person who could make things all right. sillier i am. it is sad how words come to haunt you. heard or read. and nothing can be worse than what was meant... all truth hurts... it just made me thinking; if life were different, would i be missed or remembered... and then it haunted me; i was never needed. silly me. nor breathe or presence. Reading: a feast for crows - grr martin Listening to: silly love songs - paul mccarthy Feeling: sad |
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December 28th, 2005
lost in translation POSTED AT 06:44 PM i come to tell of news, not to boast, just to tell. i am not quite sure how somethings gets lost in the translation of things, specially when people speak the same language. i guess there are many factors to be considered like gender, age, position of power, birthplace, religion, disposition in life and even the mood for that particular moment of dialogue. for whatever other factors, there is no doubt that these are just some of the many reasons why misunderstanding is so commonplace. i come to offer a hand, not to undermine, just to help. and because of so many reasons, people tend to make less effort to try... and try we must atleast or all will be lost. be mindful, they say... of diction, or grammar, or gender sensitivity, of politically correctness and even body language. so much to consider to avoid being misunderstood... my subtle plea for help has been drowned by a loud slap in the back and a "you can do it, good luck." the vote of confidence is very reassuring at the least if not taken as a mock. i should have known that i am alone on this, i should have known i am alone... Reading: a feast for crows - grr martin Listening to: blame it on me - maria mena Feeling: blank |
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December 31st, 2005
dog's days ahead POSTED AT 09:01 PM last entry for the year... again. i think it is a good sign... another year over and a new one is about to come... sounds like a lennon song... last entry for the year. i try to remember what i was resolute on at the start of this year... i guess priorities changed along the way... and as much as a lot of downside that has happened this year, i couldnt count out the upside that came with it, however few. the plan of getting a car has changed to trying to get a place of my own... and though i am living on my own (with my brothers but no parents) in what used to be my mother's house... i really ought to consider alternate place much nearer to work... if i am to improve on my promptness that is. looks like i will be still working on this til next year... (which is tomorrow, wow.) the plan of getting buff... well i did try work on it for awhile... had boxing instead which i thought was totally cool... until work and life has forced me to drop my gloves on the canvas... it was that or planet basketball... but planet basketball is the first destination of choice... no doubt about it. and though i had a short stint at what was highly competitive non pro-sunday league... i think i have learned alot at what i could and not do physically. next year's league is something to look out for... i think i have been healthy for most part of the year... and though i think i have gained a few pounds (sorry about the modesty) in the last few months of the year, i look forward to shedding them, hopefully i can. gaming wise, well nothing spectacular this year for me, game of thrones particularly, not much win until the last month... i hope to win the art book though, that would be starting the year right. i have shied away from competition gradually, i guess it is signs to come. i'm thinking of keeping just one hobby the coming new year... work... work has been well, finally got the raise and the promotion i wanted... rather just in time, i had been thinking of leaving... might as well stay for awhile and see how i work (or not). i ought to be mindful of my finances this year. still have to pay for my mother's debts... no rest for the wicked, no rest indeed. love, ellusive love... it seems i had a taste of few... i'm to regret all the chances that have passed me by... those that stared at me in the face, those that i have held in my hand but let go, those i took without giving back, those i took that is not mine to keep and those that i have and wish things were different. on matters of friends, i'd still like to think i gained and kept more this year... and though i know i havent been great as one (for that i am truly sorry)... but it has been a year of trying to get to knowing me better... im sad to say i have not learned much. i have been different this year, i think i would say i have been bold and have taken more risk, but it seems i have lost a lot as well. a good friend have said to me time and again: "we sometimes loose in order to win." i had a hard time trying to understand the concept at first but im slowly seeing the wisdom in it. the year was something else. i have not been good to have written most of it in my journal, that, i regret much. so many memories, happy and sad, painful and ecstatic, content and spiteful, bold and coy... i regret not what has happened... maybe one or two... but that's only because i wish things were different... dog's days are ahead... icarus had a foolish dream of flight, among the clouds and where the ravens fly. he risked it all, his life and love, despite, the chance to see the clouds and ravens fly. happy new year to everyone... love and joy to you all. Reading: a feast for crows - grr martin Listening to: ulan - |
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