Entries for January, 2006
January 3rd, 2006
me, myself and the half-life POSTED AT 08:40 PM its the start of a new year, so what do i expect... what do i expect in life... i know i have swallowed some bitter truths about life and love, and i would say i have swallowed quite a lot. i would like to say i have enough, thank you. and yet i would too say, maybe one last gulp or two... what do i expect... i know life and love is not fair, life and love is not easy... it seems one would think to expect the worst...maybe, but that is just not me. and i ask myself again, what do i expect in life... some would complain that there isnt anything happening in life, and i, for most of my conscious life, have been complaining too... life is happening! as i sulk in self pity... life is happening, love is happening!... we ought to expect more in life and much more so in love... take your pick... simple life or complicated life... it should not matter for so long as you choose to live it the fullest. have i done so, i would like to say i do... and i have paid the price as well: twice full plus compounded interest... life is not without a price, that atleast we ought to expect. life comes in duality... happiness and sorrow, success and defeat... and so does love with hate, joy with pain... and when we choose to live we have come to accept that death is inevitable as well. life expectancy n. lenght of time a given person is expected to live. funny how statisticians and mathematicians find such term very useful to calculate for insurance premium... it seems they have forgotten the word "enjoy". the definition should have read: "the lenght of time a given person is expected to enjoy life. i think they would find the equation rather more simple and the premium more costly. all this has just made me realize how much little lenght of time i would get to enjoy life or love. it seems i have come to what is called the half-life. sad that a life-time is not enough for love and to enjoy life, what would i say with half of it. half-life n. the time it takes the radioactivity of a substance to fall to half its original value. the time required for the potency of a chemical, drug or radioisotope to fall to half of its potency. so i ask now, what do i expect in half-life? so many splendid things... love and joy... success and freedom from debt... i expect so much that i have come to set myself up to disappointment... yet come to think of it, the disappointment is all on me... life promises not love nor joy nor pain or hatred, life promises nothing but truth. i ought to keep swallowing... and maybe soon it will taste better. half of my life is done and all that i live for i miss so. as expected. Reading: a feast for crows - grr martin Listening to: love is strange - ebtg what's your thoughts?
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January 4th, 2006
love... love is strange POSTED AT 09:33 PM love... love is strange. i have heard a lot about what love is, but nothing is more true than this. sure love is everywhere and that love is a many spledor thing, love lifts us up where we belong... love, its like oxygen... all we need is love! love hurts, love moves in mysterious ways, love conquers all... love is everything really, love is whatever it is we say and im sure everyone has an idea of what love is or what it should be... and i think everyone would agree too, that love is most of all: strange... it has remained a mystery and why it affects people differently. outside of it, one would never truly understand it, how it works or how it doesn't... i can't say i am a stranger to love... i don't think i am. i have loved for all the right and wrong reasons it seems, and each time, it is in more ways unique and special... no two love can ever be the same i guess. this is perhaps the reason why we miss a certain kind of love, love that we have experienced not too long ago and even long before. love... love is strange. it is funny or more so sad perhaps,how one would look for it and not see love stare at them between the eye, or how one would try to give up everything just for a chance to give it... in both cases i have been so... i have been blind and i have been desperate... love would truly make anything out of a man... his best or worst self. so many things have been sworn or done in the name of... and so many too have suffered and bled in the altar of... still none, no one outside of it has understood it completely... how many times have we seen fools and martyrs, knights in rusty armor and princesses in distress... we gag on the mushiness, we laugh at how corny it seems... and sometimes we abhor the cruelty of it too. and yet why... why do we do so... be a fool or a martyr... or swear by its name and bleed on its altar... why give everything up we hold dear for a chance... love... love is strange. in it, everything else does. love, love is strange Reading: a feast for crows - grr martin Listening to: you and me - lifehouse |
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January 6th, 2006
a different familiar feeling POSTED AT 04:01 PM i feel offly different but deep inside i know it is quite familiar. this year is starting much like last year, perhaps more lonesome. its like someone put some filter over my eyes and all i am seeing now are nothing but different shades of grey. no birds chirping on the background but the hallow whisper of the cold wind. the sun is shining but my eyes dont get blinded and i feel no warmth and the clouds comes by and goes over the horizon. life has taken so much from me it seems... i feel i always end up with nothing, nothing but memories... for i have always been left behind. and i have lost much by chance, circumstance and distance. and memories are getting much harder to keep from fading away... and i so want to remember them always. i so want to... life has taken so much from me it seems... but not without a fight... i have pursued and i have persevered and i have perished in the process... i ought to be proud for i have been bold to look fate in the eye with conviction and i have loved... and i want to be remembered that way. i so want to be... Reading: a feast for crows - grr martin Listening to: rock with you - brandy |
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January 9th, 2006
long day, longer nights... POSTED AT 06:18 PM it is good to have a few friends to sing your heart out... after a great dinner at tgif courtesy of steve, the gang decided to go to red box and sing... i had a raspy throat that day... but i went on to sing my heart out until i ran out of voice... then we decided to pass by the old favorite area51 and play network games until the morning... i knew i was going down with something, but i had to have some fun... half the week had been sad... perhap this might make me better... felt terrible waking up late saturday... my voice was gone and my throat was burning... so much for singing my heart out... i just sang my voice away... i confined myself in bed the whole day and tried finishing the book i was reading... hopefully to get better... the day seem long. it would have been good to hear some familiar voice... but i guess that is not meant to be, it might be a while before i can recover... recover from this... this misery i am in. i knew i was going down with something, but i had to have some fun... half the week had been sad... perhap this might make me better... i was getting bored staying at home with nothing much to do... i wanted to keep my head pre-occupied unless i start thinking about everything and nothing... the day seem long... good thing some guys at xp called in... might as well go just to get over the day... pass midnight the guys decided to get a round of drink... and we just talked til the sun almost rose behind us... the night seem longer still. it was good to talk my heart out with friends who cared to listen. all up until the morning. i knew i was going down with something, but i had to have some fun... half the week had been sad... perhap this might make me better... i felt much worse waking up late sunday afternoon... this time my throat wasnt just burning... so was my chest... i'm having some fit of cough as well... weird... its like all my resistance had gone out... i should feel better soon, so i decided to finish the book... and eventually i did too early though... by night time i had nothing much to do... i tried fixing my stuff in the room but i thought i should be resting... i tried to sleep early... the night seem longer... i kept waking up every now and then... from a dream or from voices i thought i heard... have to be early today... which didnt turned out to be much... just doing details and all... Reading: nothing! Listening to: the world i know - collective soul Feeling: sick |
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January 11th, 2006
breakfast, cold mornings, chicken soup and stargazers POSTED AT 06:55 PM breakfast. enjoyed breakfast yesterday... after a glum weekend, all seems to have been painted over with colors... well except for my sore throat and annoying cold... a quick trip back to the university and the a short walk through the memory filled acacia covered asphalt road would make me feel much better... or a hand in my back pocket... or my arm over a shoulder... cold mornings. mornings has been cold lately, so cold it bites... i wake early shivering and cold biten... yet such a struggle to get off the bed... what with such sore throat and annoying cold. still sick from the weekend abuse... still hoping to get better. nothing a warm breakfast could not thaw, not even if shared. chicken soup. today... no breakfast... my throat hasnt improved much... and my cold is annoying as ever... i wrestled against my bed to get up and i lost unsurprisingly... i thought i would have been better today... it seems that warm shared breakfast and short trips to an old school is never a substitute to a good bed rest and tried and tested medicines... ugh, what would i pay for a chicken soup... for the soul, aye, for the heart, aye... chicken soup would do good. stargazers. maybe there is some truth in the stars above... been reading horoscopes and astrology... i mean wisemen of old days have looked up on the stars for signs and answers... perhaps it wouldnt hurt my neck to have a look as well... if not for signs and answers maybe just becuase i can. it is amazing how our lives and personality can be drawn and read in the heavenly bodies... i think it would be good to be aware about the astro-physical world, like the alignment of the stars and the planets, what it meant figuratively or literally... life would be much easier if we do see the answers in the stars, perhaps the answers are still there... and we just forgot how to read them. it isnt a wonder why wisemen of old times are considered a rare treasure, specially those who can read between the stars and planets. i guess we find truth anywhere so long as we believe it to be so. Reading: astrology Listening to: akap - imago Feeling: still sick... |
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January 12th, 2006
nine years... so who's counting? POSTED AT 06:19 PM another year of game time for the thursday boys... nine years and counting... wow... this would be my longest running weekly sports i have engaged in... thursday night trip to planet basketball... and i am not about to give it up soon... occasionally perhaps. nine years and still growing, we have new players coming in almost every month... considering we started at around twelve players who decided to dedicate thursday night as basketball night... we started playing at ayala heights then to department of agriculture then to park 9 and sometimes in la vista grande... we do play on different courts occasionally but park 9 has been the rightful home for our little league. few of the original players remain, but the new blood and the fresher legs have kept the thursday league running and running they keep doing. and that is good. thursday is one of the few days that would keep me healthy... and this is one the main reason why i haven’t given my thursday night up... occasionally we have tuesday for boxing or badminton and rarely a sunday league to join to. looking forward to improving myself this season, to be physically fit and mentally sharp. i will run with the youth and burn the hoop... did i just forget the word "try"... haha. i know this will be fun. i’m bringing my game. Reading: a game of thrones - grr martin Listening to: alright - supergrass |
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January 17th, 2006
work gets in the way POSTED AT 07:03 PM the week has been a blur... so many things i want to do, so many places to go, so many people to be with... but alas, work gets in the way. the weekend had been fun, i barely manage to win the tourney. i thought that was great, with two miraculous wins. then we had to do some character generation for the role-playing game... that was something too... adults trying to relive their geeky youth. saturday night with friends are really something else. the xp people have become hooked with defense of the ancient as well... saturday night game ended up as sunday morning game... after a brief sleep back home... we were back again for more. and it was really something. then monday... work gets in the way. i have so many things to do... and yet i seem to think about the weekend ahead already... excited in a way. it is much harder for me to slack now... and i have to keep up with work oppurtunity that has been popping up left and right... i shouldn't be complaining, i mean work is work is money for more play time. play time is much harder to come by these days, though because work gets in the way. i know i have lots of friends who i have not been spending time with... or getting in touch... and i try to be free, but work gets in the way. sigh. Reading: a game of thrones - grr martin Listening to: kaibigan - reggae mistress Feeling: working |
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January 19th, 2006
fate is twisted POSTED AT 07:49 PM thusee gol meri soonor here the raja me a talk an it seems that i have caught up some bad virus... i am afflicted with some kind of addiction with dota again recently... oh well, i'm sure i will get over this... but alas, fate is twisted. se la vie. but so long as it makes me feel better or happy, carry on. i felt bad the other day, more like guilty, after finding out that a dear friend of mine has lost her father in a tragic vehicular accident. i just wish i could offer some comfort, but alas, fate is twisted. se la vie. but life do goes on for the rest of the living. work has somehow slowed me down a bit... im still trying to recover from this malady, some persistent and annoying cold virus... its been three weeks now or so and i'm still having stuffy nose and a fit of dry cough. so much for starting the year healthy, but alas, fate is twisted. se la vie. spent the whole day in the car all the way up to lemery... the place has improved somehow and that is good i think... and so long as work keeps coming i think i will be fine. body is still weak, might miss planet basketball tonight... better recover first, better recover fast, but alas, fate is twisted. se la vie. all raggamuffin girls! Reading: a game of thrones - grr martin Listening to: chariot - gavin degraw Feeling: tired |
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January 24th, 2006
staying in my room POSTED AT 06:58 PM missed work yesterday... still have the sniffles and cackles. but resting is really something else... it surely does make recovery much faster. weekend was a blast... but staying at home was much better. being home alone is very much liberating i think... i mean i can practically do anything i want to... i mean i can watch tv all i want, prepare and cook my own lunch, walk around my room naked even... anyway... sometimes its great to have the place all for yourself and not worry about work or anything else. i remember how happy i was to get my own room in the house, i was so excited i arranged the furniture, like where to put my bed and the cabinets and all. then i was excited to stuff my room with collectibles... next thing i know, i dont have enough space anymore. i have experienced painting my own room too... that was fun too, until the cleaning part... im a bit hyped up over the idea for redesigning my room, i know i was suppose to do it last year but this year i really have to. i need something to accomplish this year, im just finishing up all my dental work and hopefully after that i get to channel all available funds for my room. i have a lot of reasons why i miss my room... having your own room is having privacy... like any healthy young blood male i have my own stash of porn hidden somewhere in the room, i have to be truthful about that, hmm come to think of it, i dont think there isnt any boy's room without one hidden somewhere...privacy of course have a price and that is: being responsible for the place... and though i know my room needs organization and cleaning, i do try every weekend to clean the place up and tidy it up... ...never know who might drop by. Il suo sempre meglio di essere con qualcuno... che gioca il gioco che lei ama giocare... in un parco diverso... col fervore. weekend note: saturday started out a bit sad and slow but it did get much better when i got to xp and had a unexpected guest. anyway after winning the tourney with a stark war of the five kings... we went play defense of the ancient til the sun almost came up. deprived of sleep and very much sick from a cold virus, i had to attend karl and anna's first born daughter kath. had a glimpse of pacquiao's stunning win over morales and then its all rest for me.
Reading: a game of thrones - grr martin Listening to: follow through - gavin degraw Feeling: rejuvenated |
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January 27th, 2006
january rain... POSTED AT 11:40 AM january rain... very unusual... just my thoughts... i mean it has been a cold month... i have been under the weather for the whole month it seems... as if the cold evening wind is not enough... it had to be wet as well.
cold and wet. ain't good combination... specially when one has been sniffing and cackling... sigh. i always thought i had an extra-ordinary recovery. i guess it depends on the month. hmm, at least it is almost over, the month that is... dunno about the sniffling and the cackling though, sigh.
work has not been helping, but i think i am enjoying the week so far... oh, i started the week not going to work, hehe... my bad... no wonder the week felt short. well i have to blame my health. i have been abusing my body for the past of couple of week. i should be more mindful of my body... february is near by... i ought to be mindful of my heart as well.
january rain... very sensual... just my thoughts... i mean it has been a cold month... i kinda miss the cuddling and the sharing of warm bodies... as if the cold evening wind is not enough... i have to be lonely as well.
cold and lonely. ain't good combination... i don't think i know how to keep my cards right. i thought i had something great going, well until reality bites back. i know i haven't been good, maybe i ought to look for something more than what i did last year.
work has not been helping, with so much responsibility and things to do, i don't think i will be able to try and look for deeper meaning and reasons for living. i shouldn't lose hope though, i mean, at least i ought to keep my eyes open or something. and even though i do not trust fate, i'm sure fate will slap something into my face... i should just smile back... february is near... i ought to be mindful of my heart as well. Reading: a game of thrones - grr martin Listening to: meaning - gavin degraw Feeling: nostalgic |
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