Entries for March, 2006
March 10th, 2006
bottled water and the laws of psyche POSTED AT 12:29 PM it has been awhile since i have written much... and not that there hasn’t been anything noteworthy to write about in the last few weeks... it seems that i am just finding less and less time to just sit down and write. i have made notes on the topics to write about... and there were a few days last week when i started writing and just could not finish it, specially when i would be writing rants or whatever... i think i had written enough of those... but then what else is there to write about... anyway... oh so much... but im a bottled water. the bottle. it is apparent that for the idea of the bottled water to be true only means that the container is stronger than that which it holds. (are there so many things that have been holding me back?) i guess so... the current situation i am in is the perfect container... and it is not holding me back to be not progressive... it isn’t about economics or finances at all... it is simply just holding me from being expressive of how and what i feel. the water. i am beginning to understand how it is to be a bottled water... water that is meant to be poured, consumed to quench the thirst... that is the purpose of water... like a river that ought to have flown to the sea. i really cannot blame anybody, for i did put myself inside the bottle and literally capped myself from the inside. sigh. it is difficult to inhibit one self... i mean; those are the admirable qualities in fact of a person... self-control, self-discipline... qualities that i think are not my strongest attributes. the mastery of oneself is definitely more awe inspiring than the mastery of others... i am not my master but finding myself inside a bottle is definitely something... and it is not because of self control or self discipline... it is somehow something stronger... ... those that moves mountains or make the world go around. moreover, it is difficult to contain those that tend to be poured... like how dams would hold rivers. that would be one force equal or stronger than the other... newton was wrong it seems, not all follows the laws of physics... the laws of psyche is very much different and very much unpredictable... yet still always holds true. the three laws of emotions when somebody stays at rest, the mind is at a state of unrest. it is funny how when we are left alone bored by our significant others at home or wherever; we become paranoid and or jealous. the comfort of rest always remains between the proximity of one another physically or visually. the action produced is disproportional to the force impressed; there are at no point that the improportionality to be constant to the gravity of the situation. it generally means that any reaction tends to be under played or overly exaggerated... so panicking on emergency situation may just solicit a nod and a smile while being shy can get you a serious head concussion. for every reaction, there is always a greater and opposing reaction. reacting to anything innocent and though with good intention will be reacted to with violence or fury. experimental note: not reacting is under the category of reaction just because it has the root word in the phrase and thus will still be met by a greater and opposing reaction with a strong probability that it could be the opposing reaction to end all action.
Reading: a game of thrones - grr martin Listening to: rearview mirror - pearl jam Feeling: morose what's your thoughts?
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March 13th, 2006
the half dream POSTED AT 07:47 PM the tourney for the circle of spies is finally over...though i ended up second in the final leg, i was lucky enough to get out as the top winner for that four week tourney... i get to bring home the coffee table illustration book of the "a song of ice and fire" saga by grr martin. it was a close finish between me and rich for the book... that was the highlight of the weekend... aside from the free dinner rich had on the tourney venue to celebrate his so very late birthday which was last february... better late than hungry. spent most of the weekend sleeping... and sleeping and still sleeping... sleeping on my bed... sleeping on my brother's bed... sleeping in a friends car on the way to the mall... sleeping on the barber's chair... sleeping on my couch in my room.... sleeping on somebody elses sofa in somebody elses living room... sleeping in the cab on the way home early monday morning... and back sleeping in my bed... funny how sometimes i can't seem to distinguish what is real and what is dream when im a sleep... apparently i have been hearing my phone ringing but it sounded more like a soundtrack in the dream... i forgot what the dream was about... but i remember the music... eventually i woke up hearing the song... it happens from time to time, this phenomenon of half sleep and half wake phase i experience... sometimes i hear conversations in the dream of people i know but when i wake up its a different set of people i was hearing... my mind seem to put images on things i hear when i sleep... i hope its nothing weird or serious... most of the time it's fascinating. recently also; i have been day dreaming in my short nap during work... and there i can't seem to distinguish dream from reality... i normally wake up hearing myself saying something audible in my daydream. how sweet it would be if i could just choose the dream i want to see and then it would be so vivid i would think it were real... sigh...
best to be awake and know it is for real... i guess. Reading: a game of thrones - grr martin Listening to: beep - the pussy cat dolls |
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March 14th, 2006
flawed and crushed POSTED AT 09:35 PM flawed... if only people remember that they are flawed, forgiving would have been easy. aspiring to be perfect is a noble thing so long as we keep in mind that perfection is an ideal and never have been the rule. nothing can be measured to such standard... for everything else will always lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction. as i begin to understand, god made man and woman flawed... we are all, as much as we think we are not, emotionally weak and interdependent... without such flaw then one would not need the other. i have to admit i am flawed, for i have my short-comings, my idiosyncrasies... and because i am flawed i am prone to commit mistakes... and though i try to strive to be as perfect as i would ever want to be... i would still from time to time disappoint my peers, my friends and my loved ones... and it would be rightful for them to be so... but i just hope that they see it not just through eyes of judgment but also through eyes of understanding. it is much easier to take the good with the bad if we acknowledge that as human we are flawed... to dismiss one for his bad qualities is to dismiss one for his good qualities as well. would good and bad weigh equally? is a pound of good just as heavy as a pound of bad? i'm sure god would know the difference... in our hearts we do too. for what is a pound of bad, nothing but trash... a pound of bad is nothing... an ounce of good is everything. sometimes we insist on remembering the bad things, the bad qualities, the bad experience... not that this is wrong... it is just that we should eventually understand it and learn from it. dwelling on something that is bad and feeling bad about it is a waste of life... life is bad as it is... one ought to spend more time looking for the good things ... crushed... i can't help but feel crushed tonight... it seems that all my efforts have been rendered null and void, to make matter worse is the fact that my intentions have been taken wrongly... i know my best of effort and best of intentions are much to be improved but i am just human and flawed... now i am just crushed. Reading: the art of a song of ice and fire Listening to: have a little faith in me - mandy moore |
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March 16th, 2006
six for the rookie POSTED AT 08:19 PM from a scale of one to ten... how do you measure anything... dimensions, volume, mass, speed, quality and quantity. certainly there has to be some agreed unit to be used, some standard or basis... a guideline perhaps or an ideal... we measure because we want to achieve an ideal... and we measure to an ideal. the ideal therefore must be something that is tangible or at least quantifiable or qualifiable... there has to be some close approximate to this idea which becomes the yard stick by which to measure by. the ideal must have some reference or precedence... and though the measure in itself is objective, absolute and most definitely accurate, the reference on the other hand may be biased, subjective, varying and arguable. i have asked to be measured... and i am found wanting. as much as one would want to be festered about the result, one should instead learn and take it as a motivation for self improvement. there is always room for improvement, and it would help a lot to know where to start. self evaluation by measuring up to a certain standard helps in discovering one's self... but then there is the danger of developing false confidence and or insecurities... we ought to be mindful of the standard for which we are measured by... because it is difficult in life to try and be measured to something that is inappropriate or out of scale to one's improvement or growth. out of scale and a league of my own... measuring into a pro-league is definitely a set up for some disappointment... not everyone is cut to be in the major league... if you want to play in the major league, one has to improve his game... know his weakness and maximize his strength. if you want to play the major league, one has to know the rules, learn how to go around it or break it and get away with it. if you want to play in the major league, you have to play hard and fight back. in the meantime play with heart even in the little league, learn and practice. improve and get better. as a good friend of mine would say..."please don't hurt the newbie." Reading: the art of a song of ice and fire Listening to: wanna be bad - willa ford Feeling: pensive |
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March 22nd, 2006
call of the shores POSTED AT 08:28 PM i want to be away... i want to go away for a vacation... the beach would be nice... the scorching white sands and the refreshing sea breeze playing on my skin, the smell of salt, the endless span of blue water under a clear sunny sky... tropical music playing on the background sipping an ice cold pineapple drink... would be nice to be a beach bum for the summer... just have a long down time... counting puka shells, making sand castles, or maybe learn how to surf even. i can hear the call of the shores... i want to be away... somewhere far away. but the image fades of this far away place... the scorching white sands fades into a gray patterned carpet and the refreshing sea breeze into a chilling air-condition draft... the smell of salt turns into the waking aroma of a mug of coffee going cold... there is an endless span of white drawing plans under a pile of paper work... biting on a pencil... at least i still have my tropical music playing on the background... would be nice to be a beach bum for the summer... i can hear the call of the shores... i so would want to be away... i just thought, living in the city is never simple... and mainly because of what we see in the window... as i look over the curtain wall of the high rise building i'm working in and see what is going on below; i am overwhelmed with the progress and activity... i see people walking fast paced on the side walk rushing to get a cab or go to a business meeting somewhere... i see construction towers swinging into action bringing materials to busy construction workers pounding on a girder with a power tool on the half built tower... i see traffic jam building up on the next corner... when i see this image, i feel restless... i feel like i have to do something, i feel left out. everyone have something to do... and i should too. if i were outside the city and looked over the window... i would certainly be overwhelmed... with calm and peace... the green and trees or the big blue is really something else. i can hear the call of the shores... i want to be away... somewhere far away.
Reading: a game of thrones - grr martin Listening to: underneath it all - no doubt Feeling: restless |
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March 24th, 2006
suckerpunched and jaded POSTED AT 07:47 PM yesterday, as usual i get to be discarded for something else... im like the back up plan, if nothing else. it seems that everything is so much easier for the other party, i am just called in to clean up the mess, and that's not even being needed really. its been a while since i have visited planet basketball... still going strong... new faces, returning faces... nothing better than a good old ballgame to destress myself... it is this tired feeling that i always like to have... dont mind the aching back or the numbing forearm... i feel much healthier. im surprised that i haven't really been out of shape after missing two weeks straight... normally i would be sucking air mid game hoping for a second wind... still feel a bit speedy despite the mass i have gained over the months of partial sedentary life. i think i will play even better next week... have my game back. i felt like i got sucker punched... lunchtime, it left me gasping for air... and i thought yesterday's ball game would do that to me... in pain, in disbelief... i don't want to become jaded... sometimes you get an up draft that send you in an emotional tail spin... and then you just dont want to care anymore... but you can not just do so, because it means a lot to you... so you take the hurt and the pain because it reminds you that you care... Reading: a game of thrones - grr martin Listening to: thrashing the camp - phil collins |
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March 30th, 2006
anxieties and affirmations POSTED AT 06:28 PM i might just be over reacting... trying to draw attention to myself... whining a lot, making things difficult... or just being impossible... so maybe i am all that... or maybe just separation anxiety... this feeling is all too new and yet so familiar... i guess because it is the certainty of it that makes it so... i choose not to talk of it, for what point is there talking about the inevitable... that would just be a waste of time. live the moment, no matter how fleeting, that is what i choose. perhaps i have come to be dependent on a free spirits, whose very aura has in most ways affected my being, destroying me and remaking me altogether at the same time. an irony i have learned to live by. life has change, and i am seeing it in a different eye. i should be thankful in so many ways... i am... i am... it is good to have known i have transcended more than the basic need of being just flesh and bone... and though it might have been the reason for my apparent being, that is not my being entirely... i have come to know that i am more. i guess it was not coincidence... somehow i too wanted... and though i am drawn like a moth to a candle fire, will i not burn... i was asked before if i could stand in the center of the fire and not shrink back... and my answer remains the same... for i am the page of fire... love's fool. Reading: the wandering fire the fionavar tapestry: book two g gavriel kay Listening to: collide - howie day |
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March 31st, 2006
synergy, soreness and slacking POSTED AT 05:37 PM it was a terrific night at planet basketball... went 3-0... it’s good to be woke up this morning with some mild soreness on my heels... i guess the extra pounds that i haven't gotten rid of since christmas break is putting its toll on my poor heels... that or i have to get me a new game sneakers... i'm thinking of switching brands this season... i think my feet will look good in black again... there's a thought. i'm not really being productively lately... i have been slacking again lately... waking up late... i guess i wasn’t able to recover the lack of sleep i'm having since sunday. maybe i should reconsider the amount of time i devote to gaming, besides i think the boys don't miss me that much anyway. maybe for the next two weeks anyway... work load is extremely heavy... i should perhaps add this as some sort of penance... i haven't been exactly good. Reading: the wandering fire the fionavar tapestry: book two g gavriel kay Listening to: wonderwall - ryan adams |
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