Entries for April, 2006
April 3rd, 2006
april's fool POSTED AT 08:11 PM april fool's day just passed and i think i got punked... but it was not really a good prank at all... anyway pranks about death in the family is not amusing at all... good thing i was in cavite most of the day doing site inspection for a personal client... everything seems to be going on schedule and great. the weather had been sunny and hot as usual but that was given so i guess i should not really be complaining. after all that travelling and weekend work, i went home spent. took a long bath... and just watched a movie i missed recently, read a book for a while and after the longest of time, slept earlier than usual... woke up the morning with an anonymous text that said i friend of mine had recently just lost his mother and saying details where the wake was... anyway i asked who was sending and said she was jen... (now i don’t remember i knew anyone named jen, but i had to assume that it was information networking so i took it as it is) so out of concerned i asked more friends of mine who are much more close to this friend of mine... and they were as well shocked by the news. to cut the long story short, we found out that this friend of mine still had a healthy mom and this jen person has mistakenly sent me the message... unusual coincidence to have a friend with the same name... anyway, now that was clear then... and apparently it was not a joke either... sorry for the loss but i'm happy as well nothing happened to my friends mother...
Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: jump - van halen 2 thought(s) that matters...
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April 5th, 2006
weathered through and through POSTED AT 07:14 PM it seems that you can never say to the sun to stop scorching the dry earth... or the rain to stop drenching the flooded plains... the sun will blazes on the rain will keep pouring... we just have to weather it through... nature is giving and is also unforgiving... when nature unleashes her wrath there is hell to pay... it will not matter what stature you are... she will not judge how good or bad you are, how rich or poor... her force is there to be felt, the harshness to be endured, the fury to be weathered. we just have to weather it through... the torrent of rain will break the hardest of stone, wash off the whole mountain side... the river will bulge and will flood the plains clean... and soon as the sun again shine to dry the earth, the plain will be nothing, the mountain levelled and the stones broken. we just have to weather it through... and i guess that is how the cycle goes... nature has a way of cleaning and starting a new. we just have to weather it through even if it leaves you half drowned with nothing but a muddy field. we just have to weather it through... we only make hay when the sun is around.
Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: numb - linkin park |
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April 10th, 2006
summer breezes POSTED AT 06:41 PM friday was all great, until a little misunderstanding came in and shook things up... i had some regrets then, i mean, who wants to see all the house of cards fall down, specially the one you've painstakingly trying to rebuild then. did not sleep through friday to get early to the company outing... but i think it was all worth it... manage to sleep a bit on the way... the outing place was great, it had the whole cove for the resort alone... the pool was inviting and the food kept coming... even the resort house was not bad... the bed was so soft and the room so cool... it was a toss up between staying up in the room and snooze or in the shaded daybed with the cool afternoon landward summer breeze. summer breeze, makes me feel fine... the view was something else, rocky cliffs and lush forest... the place was definitely hidden and remote from civilization. it is definitely worth going back to. at least i get to go out and just enjoy and not think of work... i could have done more but i think i should be fine with that for now. ... blowing through the jasmine in my mind. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: summer breeze - jason mraz |
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April 12th, 2006
at the brim and coming POSTED AT 07:02 PM i'm at the brim... i am a dam about to break... i have never felt so full of pent up potential energy... i have been collecting since all most a month long of emotional highs and lows, extreme workload and stress. slowly filling me up to the brim... i am a dam ready to break and let go. i have played it in my mind over and over how i would just burst out all this pent up energy... i had sleepless nights... and occasional daydreams... this build up cannot be stopped, and i am too weak to hold... i do not think any man could... it’s been pounding at my chest, aches in my loins... and the weather has not exactly been of help, not with all this summer heat... im holding boiling water here... like a pressure cooker that needs to blow some steam... i am a dam about to break... i'm at the brim... if only i was free to do what i wanted to do... i would dive into the depths of every opportunity... and leave none for others. kindness cannot be repaid with abuse. only with gentleness... and how i would like to pay back all the kindness that i have been given and even the cruelty of it too... with gentle passion... and burning desires. i am a barrel swelling... i am lost in the fullness of the feeling and the emptiness of the reality. i am a dam about to break... but a river is a river only when it flows... that is nature's course... Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: come to me - alexander o'neal |
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April 17th, 2006
the week that past POSTED AT 08:38 PM my not so holy week was admittedly spent more for relaxing and recreation more than reflection of self and reaffirmation of faith... i guess times have changed... i think i have changed... i spent the weekend playing ps2, watching home videos, playing network games, having dinner with high school friends, playing cards and board games, sleep over a friend's house, learning how to ride a motor bike... resting and sleeping mostly. i remember spending holy week with the family watching classic religious films of the life and death of christ and other popular bible stories or marathon reruns of old tv series. it would just be a long weekend at home until easter comes where the family used to go to the mall and just eat out and hangout... i think i have changed... i guess its just a matter of trying to catch up for lost time for relaxing and recreation... i guess penitence have been all year round and that the holy week is like a long rest from it... i guess that’s what happens if you work for a living now... everyday is a sacrifice... we sacrifice quality time for our selves, our love ones, our family and friends... we sacrifice that which is more important for the body and soul. have i truly changed... the irony of it all, we work for a living and have no time for living... so much time lost to acquire the means to enjoy life... life is full of ironies really... i wonder if that was intentional... or just merely a coincidence... the later would be cruel and the former would be just so sad... either way we just have to take it in the chin... and try hard not to be knocked out... while still trying hard to punch the moon.
Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: cant take that away from me - mariah carey Feeling: thoughtful |
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April 18th, 2006
the modern sisyphus POSTED AT 08:03 PM i never imagine that work would get the better of me... but there are days when i surely just want to stop and walk off... bored or stressed perhaps... the reason is irrelevant... the feeling however is undeniable... there are times when i feel tired of it. why do you toil sisyphus... the gods have punished you severely... why is that... for you have cheated death and chose life... is that really a crime... push on to your rock sisyphus, show the gods you can do it, show them you can. ah, i am sisyphus of the modern day... condemned for eternity to do futile and hopeless labor... fate so dreadful yet suffered by most common man. with sheer determination i toil to be successful... to improve myself. taking the surest step, a small step uphill, planting my foot firm and square into the earth... a small step uphill... and another... and another. as much as i would like to work on to improving my situation, my stature of life... fate always seems to put me back to square one... everyday is a new race... often times being first does not matter anymore... i am just thankful to have even finished the race these few days... that may not be the right attitude but sometimes one would wish for a little break once in awhile... if not a token for the victor. is my entire being defined by this accomplishment of nothing... is this the price i have to pay for the passions of the world... it would seem tragic... perhaps because i am conscious of my futile toil... or have i made an illusion of futility. then i thought... how will it be a curse when every small step uphill is hope... why do you smile sisyphus... the gods have punished you severely... tragic it is to know your fate that your labor will be for naught at the summit... yet as you run down to do it again, you smile... it seems the moral of sisyphus is perseverance... a bold stand to a fate so cruel... for even though he is aware of his futile attempt... he keeps on... pushing on his rock. if i am to be sisyphus of the modern day... i too should persevere, continue on with my small step up. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: one way or another - mandy moore |
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April 19th, 2006
we are tools POSTED AT 07:37 PM for those who ask "what is the meaning of life?"; asks that wrong question... i have long been asking the wrong question most of my life, heck, i still am in search of the meaning of it all... but i have recently come to realization that perhaps i ask the wrong question... it seems after thinking about it, trying to be philosophical and also being a bit analytical, with a little nose-bleeding and head bashing a long the way... i have stumbled upon the word "existence" and "purpose" it rang a bell inside my head and then it occurred to me perhaps "existence" is the right question and "purpose" is the answer... so when i ask the question "what is the meaning of my existence?" i then tried to answer it by defining what my purpose was... because anything with purpose has meaning, without purpose is like being nothing... this is made evident in nature... the delicate ecosystem of any environment is a testament that everything within it have a purpose that contributes to the balance of co-existence. but i have come again into a dead-end... i certainly do not know my purpose, it seems that the only way to find out is to go ask my maker directly, but unfortunately we speak a different language, and i am not good reading signs or portents. something inside of me is telling me that the answer is in nature. revisisting the idea of how the ecosystem works... this lead me to another idea that life can only be defined by another life... for one can not make a tool out of himself... it is another being who will define your purpose. it seems that i am rambling now... it is not my intention to pretend to know the answers... i am simply trying to rationalize what i have just recently realized... i have to admit i am a bit skeptic about myself as well. let me share what i have realized in ways i think i could be understood... i have realized that the meaning of your life are defined by what you are to your love ones, friends, family, peers, company or whoever. one's purpose is how another needs them in their life. life then becomes meaningful. use me like a tool, use me like a tool, Reading: the fionavar tapestry book one: the summer tree - g gavriel kay Listening to: what you are - dave matthews |
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April 20th, 2006
blasted away POSTED AT 08:03 PM it seems that i have been blasted away again... with an automatic gauss rifle straight to the chest right through the heart... i'm not sure but i think there is not one part of my being that had no bullet holes. i guess i'm such an easy target... i should not be surprised... not that i'm wide enough not to be missed, nor am i color neon green that hurts the eye, nor am i noisy to stand out like an out of tune tuba... am i the only target...maybe perhaps it was all bad timing... being in the wrong place at the wrong time... just one of those hapless victim of indiscriminate firing... collateral damage of a massive assault. it seems i was unlucky that the bullets had my name. i had my hands up; waving a white flag... i have dropped my weapon: i have been blasted away again... with an automatic gauss rifle straight to the chest right through the heart... i lie still and bleeding... Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: cant fight the moonlight - leanne rimes Feeling: blasted |
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April 21st, 2006
taking shelter POSTED AT 06:24 PM the storm have been raging since yesterday... and looks like it will be a long while before things get calm... i need to find shelter... the water is rising and i am flooded with all sorts of emotions... i'm half drowned i need to find shelter... to clear my eyes so i can see fault, to sharpen my hearing so that i can understand, to meditate my troubled mind so i can be rid of the confusing thoughts, to soothe and bandage my bleeding heart... any shelter will do... that which can withstand the storm... where are my shelters, have i lost all of them in the storm... a blanket of hope, a shed of strength... just to make it through this tropical depression... this fury that has been sweeping through my psyche. i just want to make it through... and see the sun and feel its warmth again... i need to find a shelter. i need to make it through for i will get blown and ripped in the wild gust of angst and frustration... i'm battered up and bleeding... and i can't take any more punishment. i feel like dirt and i have been stepped and spat on... i pray for peace... i beg for mercy... the storm will pass... the storm must pass... i need to find a shelter, i need to make it through; for the storm will pass... i pray it will pass, i just need to make it through... i need to find a shelter there's a thunderstorm brewing on the horizon, move away, go and hide, the storm - jm pascoe Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: when you're gone - bryan adams & mel c |
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April 28th, 2006
meltdowns and cooldowns POSTED AT 11:56 AM it has been awhile since i have landed back to planet basketball... two weeks past and no ball game... one because of holy week and the other week i missed because of a sore hip... at least i made the flight last night... despite a surprising good performance after a two-week long break, i still suffer a quite sad losing streak... huff... i just want to be on the winning side again... i am not a sore loser but i sure am tired of not winning special when the count is 0-6. there is nothing more uplifting in winning a team game... in losing a team game, you can’t help but blame yourself. this week breezed by so fast... i feel a little bit sorry for not being able to write as consistently as before... so much has happened i would like to share... good and bad... boring and exciting... but i guess it’s better if i write of it some other time... the future perhaps. this week breezed y so fast and still i feel the summer heat... it’s a rather intense summer heat... even the nights have been warm. been sleeping with boxers only... i hardly move inside my room on weekends because it’s been so warm... its like there some meltdown going on... somehow the heat hasn't helping my mind off naughty i remember the other day i had a terrible headache because i'd go out under the sun then i'd go back inside the office where it’s terribly cold. i'm just happy i haven't had a nose bleed yet... earth's getting warmer... planet basketball is sizzling... looks like pluto is the best planet to be in right now... need some major cool down. ... i'll go get the spaceship ready...now only if i remember where i put my space boxer...
Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: push the button - sugababes Feeling: horny |
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