in pursuit of happiness
POSTED AT 02:42 PM

cruboy

it has been awhile since i have written anything... somehow the long lazy weekend rest has gotten into my system already... i have been a sloth these past few days...  

it is nice to take it easy from time to time... not minding any deadlines or submissions. 

life has too many aspects that i find important not to miss... life is not just work...life is not just deadlines and submissions... it is also sitting on a rock under an old tree staring into a garden... walking on the hallow hallways of your old school... pushing an empty cart in a grocery store... enjoying a melting banana split... getting sick inside a cab with an ill-tempered driver...

the things we do in pursuit of happiness... a tough choice indeed, pondered about it... i later realized that it is difficult to argue with one's self especially on a choice between what is right and what would make you happy.  i always thought what made me happy would always be right and so long as i made the decision i would have to bear its consequences happily. that might not be true for others. 

... but then how are we going to be truly be happy if at the back of our mind linger regrets about the actions we have made in pursuit of happiness. i have so much to regret for; doing the right things and eventually not being truly happy about it... i think we should at least once in awhile pursue that which makes us truly happy, be proud to have done so, and believing we deserve the chance to be so.

i have realized many things yesterday.  take every chance to be happy, spare nothing.  sure, it may sound selfish... but when did finding happiness not selfish to begin with?

 

 

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay
Listening to: makita kang muli - sugarfree
Feeling: excited

running low
POSTED AT 07:41 PM

cruboy

after a series of defeats... finally, not just one win but two consecutive wins in  yesterday's ball game...  i'm happy.  i guess being happy do have some benefits... it  changes the out comes of games... haha... now if only being happy changes the out comes  of lottery then... i guess there isn’t anything better than being happy... if that's the  case who needs the lottery.

body hurts though... my legs feels like it’s wrapped up in lead... and my back feels  strained and my arms are a bit limp... must have played hard. i guess i wanted the win so  badly after all. i think i need a recharge of happy... i have this feeling im going to  run low over the weekend... that might not be good.

it is the weekend again... where are the friday people...

a good friend of mine will be stationed in new york for six years for a serious foreign  service works... tomorrow might be the last time i'll see her.  i'm running out of good  friends here... sigh.  i guess one has to find their destiny elsewhere... i wonder where  mine is... i might have to start looking elsewhere too.

i might be running low earlier than i expected... sigh... and it’s the weekend...

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay
Listening to: up there - shamrock

shoved over
POSTED AT 02:04 AM

cruboy

i was right.... its weekend and i am running low on happy.  friday was not exactly a good day for me or for a good friend of mine and more so not good for the company i am working on.

i feel bad because not only was i not of any help... i think i just made it worse... my intention was to be of comfort and i was sincere about it so... but i can't help think that i was just there because i was... not of choice but of familiarity... and yet i felt like i am being pushed away...

i am willing to listen, i can give a hug.

i don't think i would get tired for a friend... how could i... but of course, it wouldn't hurt if some of your little effort gets appreciated once in awhile... we forget sometimes to count our blessings and counting faults is something else unless you keep a tab of yourself as well.

i am constantly being tested on my dedication to how i should always remind those how important they are to me...  with choices that burns me either way, with tests i am doomed to fail... persecuted and punished... even when i am constantly reminded i am not needed.

wouldn't it feel good to just tip over...

from a shove... me... it wont be that easy. no. no. not when you're knocked off your feet.

 

 

 

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay
Listening to: everybody hurts - rem

dipensability and replacements
POSTED AT 06:54 PM

cruboy

how quickly can one be replaced... everybody is dispensable... it might not be true in some aspect...in a company that is, but the position a person fills up is not, and because there is a possibility that no other person can fill up a position like one would, it follows the person is essential... without a replacement, one becomes indispensable.

how quickly can one be replaced... everybody is dispensable, even the good ones... i would have said otherwise but later this afternoon i have also come to realized the truth of it... or rather i have been struggling about the truth of it... i am dispensable for i am not needed.  and still i am bonded like a servant to a master, loyal like a dog on a leash.

how quickly can one get replaced... easy like breathing... inhale... exhale... stopping it seems would be a certain death. there are certain words that power trippers cannot say because they cannot grasp the meaning of the words... because uttering such words means the loss of power and control, where there might have been none to begin with... delusional grandeur.

how quickly can one be replaced... a simple push or a shove... perhaps i am way over my head on the matters... and i hate to think i am crazy over nothing... because i thought i saw something... something good... something real... but i am tipping over and now all i  am seeing are the broken shards on the floor. 

 

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay
Listening to: shot your guns - 22-20s

thermostasis
POSTED AT 08:35 PM

cruboy

i want to remain lukewarm...

it is hard to be shifting from hot to cold... and vice versa... it is amazing how sometimes temperatures just change so abrupt from one spectrum of the thermometer to the other... such fluctuation can soften the hardest steel and break the hardest stone... its either dehydration or hypothermia...

people's emotions change and fluctuate like temperature... hot head to cold heart... cool  head to warm heart.  it is unfortunate that there is no way to actually measure a person's emotion, no equipment to monitor it... you'll just know when you are burned from the fuming rage or when you feel the chill of a shrug... and when you feel the coolest kiss or the warmest hug.

i want to remain lukewarm... luke warm is good.

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay
Listening to: cant take my eyes off you - lauryn hill

the ivory tower and the free thinkers
POSTED AT 08:09 PM

cruboy

there are so many ways at looking at things and there are so much more ways to read it... with so many variables to consider one should not be surprised why miscommunication and misinterpretation happens all the time...

i found that it is not wise to force people to change their vantage points regarding issues or whatever... some people want to see it high up on the clouds and there are those who likes to see them on the ground.  you can't make people go down their ivory tower and you can't make people fly. 

why don't you come down from your ivory tower
and see the world in my point of view,
the world is not just black and white
there are also different hues.

i guess there really is no middle ground...one would just have to tell what they see from where they are to another hoping that it will be described as accurately as they can.  knowing different views is essential in effect... when we see only one side of the coin, it is wise to ask the person on the other side how the coin looks like from their point of view.  keeping an open mind is essential for keeping one's mind sane.

there are the free thinkers and there are the philospher's trapped in their ivory tower... a state of intellectual isolation... either by accident or by design... sheltered from reality.  these are great minds alike, but one would exercise thoughts to better comprehend the real world while the other would conceive of ways to escape from it.

great minds don't necessarily think alike, but they do tend to understand one another, great minds are always open and tolerating... bigotry is a mental prison guarded by ignorance. it is an arduous task to free an unwilling narrow mind... but i think its everyone's responsibility to free the world of bigotry.

 

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay
Listening to: cant get you out of my head - kylie minogue
Feeling: yearning

stuck in the moment
POSTED AT 09:08 PM

cruboy

stuck in the moment...

i always liked that u2 song and i find so much truth in the lyrics... somehow it has a  different take on living, surviving, and pulling through.

it has happened to me many times... being stuck that is in the moment... and no matter  how much i struggle i cannot seem to get out of it... one has just to weather it through...  we sometimes forget, out of panic, or out of excitement that it is just a moment and it  will eventually pass... no matter how stuck we get... and we cannot get out.

it would be nice if we could step out of the moment and look at it from a third person's  point of view... i think we can learn a lot about ourselves... of others, the situation... yes, it would be nice if we could step out of the moment... in disbelief, in dismay... to  pull ourselves together, regain our composure, to calm our nerve... but we can not it seem... for we are stuck in the moment... and we cannot get out of it.

but i guess the essence of living is being in the moment... happy or sad... it is by these moments we live for...

on a different note: finally the team i was following won the amazing race... i always thought that hippies were cool. my parents were once... and if it wasn't for the late 60's free love influence... some accidents would not have happened and i would not have existed.

no planet basketball for me tonight... sigh.

cannot get out of it...

it is just a moment... this time will pass.

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay
Listening to: stuck in the moment - u2
Feeling: mellow

unmaking of galatea
POSTED AT 02:27 PM

cruboy

i envy pygmalion in some ways... for in his failure to find love, he created an imitation of love and believed it to be real... the gods moved by this devotion had made pygmalion's love to be real. 

the modern day pygmalion's story is not like the ancient greek fairytale, the gods would not be as kind today... pygmalion would be the pathetic loner, girl/boy friendless geek who would settle for whatever the modern day distraction could offer that would substitute for a healthy relationship with the opposite sex.

it has been difficult recovering from one heartbreak after another, it is quite discouraging really, but i wouldn't want to follow the path pygmalion took... i am afraid of setting myself an ideal that the real world could not offer... and here begins the conflict in my heart.

the pursuit of the ideal versus what is to be real. 

i am pygmalion... i have created galatea in my mind... she is the perfect half of my existence... pure, beautiful, obedient and faithful. a creation any other man would dream of and envy. 

poor pygmalion, so much grief and heart breaks, women have discarded you for being nothing but a man of simple need to be loved and appreciated, to be encouraged to what you can become and what you can achieve. they do not share your dreams pygmalion.  you are nothing.

i am pygmalion... i will mould galatea with my hands... she will be of ivory pure, beautifully smooth, a shape so soft and alive.

poor pygmalion, so much grief and heart breaks... she is of ivory marble, hard and dense,polished and sculpted to imitate life... touch her hands, don't you feel they are cold?  you have created an ideal that nature cannot provide.  do not fool yourself... perfection was never in nature's design. perfection is a lie.

i am pygmalion... i will lay beside galatea and dream.... of chasing her across a field of grass, singing to her songs of love under the watching moon.

poor pygmalion, so much grief and heart breaks... you live on dreams that will not be. wake up to reality... live your life pygmalion, the way you ought to live... with hurt with grief and heartache.  the gods are not without mercy... you will find her, in flesh, in color... in life.

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay
Listening to: the first cut is the deepest - sheryl crow

replacing substitutes
POSTED AT 11:26 PM

cruboy

is there something that can replace the real thing... a substitute is nothing but ... a substitute. 

substitute n. a person or thing that acts or serves in place of another.

and because of that fact, everything will always fall short of expectation.  disappointments and frustration will always be the outcome of such arrangement, because we expect from something that never was like the original to begin with.

and being the substitute isn't that favourable as well, it never was... imagine the pressure of filling up the shoe that was never yours to begin with or being under the shadow of something you can  never stand higher to, trying to be who you never really are defeats the very essence of your existence. 

either way substitutes are a bad deal on both sides of the table.  you will never get what you really wanted and you can never feel appreciated for what you are truly worth.

constantly seek for something better...

so when we try and move on with life, try to see the best another can offer, not as a  replacement of what you had or what you have enjoyed, but instead as something new to  experience and treasure. learn to appreciate new qualities as they come by for what they 
truly are. 

for we are purposely made unique...

never sell yourself short and be willing to become as some substitute or that serves in  place of another... everyone possesses a unique quality that is precious, it is not our  fault if our finer qualities are seldom appreciated; but people who make effort to know someone better earn the right to keep these treasures.

... that we will find how uniquely important we are to one another.

 

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay
Listening to: bitter - jill sobule