Entries for June, 2006
June 1st, 2006
the lemon, the flaker and the tease POSTED AT 10:00 PM our daily dose of disappointment comes from three sources: the lemon, the flakers and the tease. the lemon. the lemons in general are anything or anyone that when we need to use or depend on they just quit on us either because of defects due to low quality. lemon people are normally impostors or posers pretending to be something that they are not... the let down is normally on the most crucial of times and most often leads to some serious hurting or damages. the flakers. the flakers in general are those that promises to be there but on last minutes gives out the most incredible of excuses to bail out. flakers normally have a hard time saying no to proposals early on... some will in fact help plan the event... the let down is normally that whatever you have planned might not go as you would have imagined if it did ever pushes through. the tease. the tease on the other hand works on your excitement... they would aggressively appeal to your senses until you are captivated to want more... but sadly there is nothing more. disappointment is disappointment however way you look at it... and it is a common occurrence to be displeased from time to time, because we always happen to expect and get excited. it is in effect a good indication of what we could call a normal existence... because we hoped, we expected, and we got excited. i would have to admit that i could be a disappointment from time to time... i have been a lemon, i flaked and been a tease... and this is because people and friends expect from me, just as i would expect from them... but we spend our lives improving ourselves; to try and not be a disappointment... by being who we really are, committing to the words we say and following through with actions. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: closer to free - bodeans what's your thoughts?
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June 2nd, 2006
of keeping and wondering POSTED AT 07:10 PM i wonder if i ever get to keep... i was just remembering all the love that i have found along the way... so many kinds it seems... so little yet so precious... some took me a while to notice, while others i see a mile awhile, others just hit me from out of nowhere it seems. i pick it up as soon as i recognize it with interest, with curiosity, with passion, with fear, with doubt, with suspicion... i pick some slowly; sometimes fast snatching it off the ground. there are times when i hold it my hands with amazement and awe, sometimes i put it up high where everyone can see and there are others i keep it immediately in my pocket for safekeeping. i wonder if i ever get to keep... with all the love i found the way, it would seem i have a lot of it, but unlike any other things we pick up along the way, you can only pick up one kind of it at a time, two would be dangerous, three is just impossible. i tried to carry the same thing at the same time, but the load is just too heavy to bear, you will lose one along the way... if not both. it is possible to find something that is not yours to begin with... you are definitely sure you won't have it for long. i wonder if i ever get to keep... sure i may have a bag full of different sorts of, but i seem to lack that one kind that i am truly searching for. i have mistaken some for it and i had kept one or two before but not recognized it as it was and lost it along the way. funny that now i have found so many of it along the way that i find it harder for me to recognize one for the other. one could never become an expert with it. nothing is ever the same... there is no proper place, nor proper time... if your heart is open... you will always find one along the way... still i wonder...
the clouds are bursting today... rains of joy... happy birthday to a dear friend. wishing you love and joy.
Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: for the longest time - billy joel |
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June 9th, 2006
remembering the happy house POSTED AT 12:37 PM i remember before there even was the big brother house, there was "the happy house." a three-bedroom bungalow subong residence in sunny bf quezon city. there were, as i remember, originally eight thesis housemates who lived together in the happy house for more than 140 days... complete with real life drama, action, suspense and comedy... there were tasks, challenges and chores to overcome... and more importantly a thesis to finish for the ultimate prize of graduating on time. the first of the thesis housemates were rhes, dints, snoc, and slin... followed by jay, gerard, cru and scary. chores were split up evenly ranging from washing dishes, cooking, house keeping and purchasing items. things were running smoothly on the first few weeks but eventually different personalities started to polarize the group pairing up people according to their work time habit... as the months got closer to the d-day (deliberation day), more thesis housemates came, there came in linz (with much protest from her parents i think), cupkeyk yans and tubtub. there were special house guests that visited and stayed in the happy house for a while... there were friends like xris, trick, phen, borris, lexy... parents like the subong's, the erfe's and even the thesis adviser: prof. espina. the happy house started mid november up to early march... it felt shorter than it really was, everyone was tensed and cramming, doing their individual thesis in a common house was actually difficult... there was not enough space in the house... i slept in the sala by the sliding door just beside my drafting board... the funny thing was, it was everyone's favorite tambayan... i'd wake up and find people sitting or sleeping beside me. there were no evictions but there was the deliberation, each one of us had a set date the cover three weeks. i was lucky to be one of the last, but it also meant there was more pressure in a way. only one of us had a re-deliberation but everything went well in the end hassle free. i was lucky enough to be one of the highest grade in the batch and i had so many people to thanks. and every time i remember that experience every now and then... i am thankful. Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: wind - toshiro masuda |
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June 14th, 2006
of sickness and loses POSTED AT 07:13 PM sniff. i just had one of the worse long weekends i ever had... hmmm, maybe it is the worst ever. what should have been a nice long weekend trip with friends to tagaytay became an agonizing bed ridden experience. by morning of saturday, i was like burning with fever that i thought i'd fry my brain cells. by afternoon it was confirmed, i was down with the flu... body aches, and a runny nose, a badly sore throat, chilling with fever... it was the works. the flu came in with all its repertoire of discomfort and agony. the only thing that was going on in my head is that i might perhaps been cursed by some gypsy i unintentionally offended. sniff. i was thinking i'd feel better by sunday... instead i got worse... i was getting sick of drinking too much water for i was always thirsty and i had lost my appetite (the only good thing going really)... food did not taste as good. good thing i got some tips from chip on how to battle the flu... so by sunday night i was feeling a little better. sniff. sniff. and just when i think i am getting better going to work today... i lost half of my ten-peso coin collections in my very office where it’s always been there for the longest time. somebody was desperate enough to carry almost 10 kilos of ten peso coins... the bugger! sigh... i feel pity to the poor soul, i hope it was put to better use. to think i just wrapped it and bundled it up last friday... i guess whoever pilferer was just waiting for me to make it more convenient for the taking. to think i was making a list of things i would buy from it. that wasn't easy come but it definitely was easy go... that was like one and half year of collecting. sniff. sigh.
Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: cruisin' huey lewis & gwyneth paltrow Feeling: sick |
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June 16th, 2006
yey! hey! POSTED AT 07:47 PM yey! weekend again... but unfortunately i have some work to do in the morning... will be making a quick trip to silang cavite for some emergency site inspection... but it is a good thing cause the project is almost done... i'm willing to spend a few hours of the weekend to get this thing over and done with for the rest of the week... hopefully. i miss planet basketball... it’s been six weeks straight i think... i am beginning to forget the joy of the game... sigh... i wonder if i am still in shape... it is obvious that i have to work back all those lost play time and i know that my friends will be merciless overpowering or outrunning me in the court... sigh... this must have been the longest lull i had ever... next week i'm gonna bring my game... yey! it has already been brought! feeling much better... still have this pesky fit of cough from time to time but i think it’s just making its last annoying hurrah before my anti-bodies complete eradicate them off my system. its been a good thing getting sick, at least i get to reduce my appetite and i haven't been eating as much... i'm gonna ride this wave to shore... i'm gonna loose some pounds along the way. yey! weekend again... yey! i wasn't able to enjoy the long weekend last week... i hope i get enjoy this short one tomorrow... so i may have a morning chores to go through... but it really isn't much pressure... it would be more like power tripping really... enough of ego boosting... this short weekend seems to be jam-packed: afternoon with chip and alvin and a despida dinner at noc's in the evening... hey! this weeks been a blur... but i still seem to not get over the loss of a collection worth seven grand but i guess i should get a move on with it... i don't think there isn't any cosmic event that would bring that back now... i should think of it as a charity anonymously and randomly given away... Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: pina colada - simon and garfunkel Feeling: yey hey |
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June 19th, 2006
squinting for a future... POSTED AT 08:13 PM half of the year is coming to an end... i should seriously be thinking of the things i have yet to do... i need to accomplish something... anything. my "to do list" has been getting long and i should start checking some of them off... even just one at a time starting with the smallest deeds first... i think i could do that. work has been eating up a lot of my time... and i take every break that comes in my way and because of that i have not much time for other important matters... in life, in love. the breaks are essential to keep me sane... and i think i deserve each and every one of them for working so hard to try and make me debt free, and at the same time with enough luxuries or necessities to maintain my not so plush lifestyle. i am a simple man with simple dreams... and i have surrendered to the fact that the only way to improve my life and to achieve what i want in life is through hard work... i have nothing substantial to inherit from my parents who have families of their own... i have no long lost rich relatives that will leave me a serious amount of wealth. i will get what i make out of what i have. i should start thinking of what i want with the rest of my life, seriously that is... like thinking of how i could retire early or perhaps practice on my own or start a business. i am not used to hearing me think of serious and mature stuff, perhaps i should not be denying the fact that i am not getting any younger and that i should really think of my future. this is absolutely hard for me though; i am a self-admitted near sighted. the future i see is only a few months ahead... anything further is nothing but a haze that i can even barely make a shape of. but then i shouldn't really squint and strain my eyes to see anything of the future... i should learn to see instead with my eyes closed... i should be able to see my future in my mind... i ought to close me eyes and see... a bright future... for me.
Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: close to you - sam milby |
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June 28th, 2006
walking off vengeance POSTED AT 07:24 PM "vengeance has no foresight..." i have learned a very important lesson before to control my rage and to smother the wrath i feel when i have been wronged or irritated. because more often than not vengeance and anger tends to hurt the ones you care for or love the most. i remember years ago, when i went home early because i had the most awful day imaginable... and because i was consumed with rage and wanting to get back at anyone, i picked a fight with my brother who somehow was not a having bad day as well... in our heated argument and deep in fury, i flung my brother's old cell phone on the floor and smashed it to unrecoverable pieces. my brother broke down like a wilted flower and that has somehow melted me with guilt... that cell phone was given by my mother and somehow had so much sentimental value to my brother... i never felt so shameful with what i have done... never felt like an ass... with all humility i begged for forgiveness and left the house walked aimlessly away and when i reached a mall i went in and bought him a new cell phone, though it was better i know deep inside i could never replace that phone... since that accident, i have learned not to throw fits of rage, tantrums or direct anger to anyone else. i would instead keep quiet and then walk... just walk away... walk it off... from somewhere to anywhere my feet would take me... and i would only stop if my feet felt heavier than my chest. "the rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance." i have walked a lot of times since, some long and some short... it has saved me from losing relationships, friends, dignity, self-esteem and respect. and though there are times when you really just have to get back at somebody or something just because there are always limits to things we can take, being spiteful and doing vengeful acts normally tends to backfire. anger more often throws away reason... and without it, lots of bad things can happen. somehow i like to believe that there is divine justice in some way... i always thought that what comes around comes back harder for the wicked. like how karma works in life... there will be justice. "revenge is the abject pleasure of an abject mind." pursuing revenge is time consuming... in some twisted way it is also passion... commitment and resolution. but life is too short for holding grudges and being vengeful... there are other things to be passionate about... being commited to and being resolved.
Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: dont look back in anger - oasis |
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June 30th, 2006
homecoming and gravity POSTED AT 11:00 PM a close look at planet basketball... after almost six weeks of self-exile from planet basketball... i have come back with style. after surviving a week long flu two weeks ago and managing occasional fits of cough, i am somehow surprised i was able to last the night of intense ball game. i had a moment of slowing down and my second wind did come a little bit late but overall it was not an awful night. i'm happy i was able to play again... i think it will take time for me to be able to play the way i used to six weeks ago or more... but i will get my game back somehow for sure. just have to wait for the second wind. last night was a special night or so... we were up against alumni of up maroon players including one pba player who happened to have been a prolific shooter back in his uaap days... it looked like a tough match up... but my team manage to blow away the game due to familiarity of the court and tenacious defense... we even had practice referees brought by the marooners and all... but we all know who owns this playground... specially during thursdays... it was a good night for planet basketball... and it is good to know that i am still welcome. i am looking forward to playing more ball games. meanwhile on the other side of the universe... i am drowning in work... sigh, that might be good in a way... looks like i will be in limbo again... i should look for a center... something that is fixed and stable, something that is for me... i am again hurled in deep space and emptiness... perhaps it is entirely my fault... maybe this is just some weird coincidence... or a deliberate and planned event. i just want to make it through... but then gravity just keeps pulling me back in... Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay Listening to: easy tonight - five for fighting |
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