unwriting and reruns
POSTED AT 06:21 PM

cruboy

i have not been writing... i feel some sadness in the truth of it... for it means a lot of not so good things... having not the time to write something about the days worse, there was nothing worth writing about anymore.

i have not been writing... it seems it was a choice not to... and yet i yearn to share but then my better judgment says otherwise. i guess there are some things i have no courage to tell or write about.  it seems the fear to write is the fear of truth.  my life? has it changed...?

i have not been writing... my journal has been empty for over the entire half of the year... tragic.  perhaps i have gone tired of it... i wish i could write about everything, but that is not to be... i feel like i am under censorship... perhaps i am not free.  my life has indeed changed.

i have been on some marathon series watching lately... seasons of one tree hill, lost and then prison break, and there many other i have yet to watch like house, grey's anatomy or perhaps csi.  i guess it is good to watch tv shows series straight without commercials, one after the other in the comfort of your bedroom.  i guess i'm in some sort of self-rediscovery or something... finding myself in reruns.

i guess i can't help but relate to some stories on tv shows and movies.  there are always truth somewhere out there in the reel life... and it is somehow better to reminisce with breathe taking scenery, better looking actors, appropriate soundtrack and well written dialogues.

there are actually a lot of good things to write about that happened last week despite the fact that work has been rather demanding of my time and attention... i still have rather a lot of things to check out of my to do list and i have this week to finish it. 

missed the ball game but i had some other work out going... good for the heart and the soul... definitely intense. 

i have not been writing... but i am writing now... and i hope i will write again tomorrow.

"there is no privacy that cannot be penetrated. no secret can be kept in the civilized world. society is a masked ball where everyone hides his real character and reveals it by hiding." - rw emerson

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay
Listening to: mixtape - butch walker
Watching: world war II bbc special
Feeling: sleepy

of expressionism
POSTED AT 09:04 PM

cruboy

"the artist expresses only what he has within himself, not what he sees with his eyes." - alexej von jawlensky

it has been harder for me to write... i feel like an elephant inside a shop of chinas.  it is harder for me to wiggle in between the aisle to get to where i want.  i would never have thought that self-expression would become this difficult.  i seem to be afraid lately of being misunderstood.  not that it has not happened before but i guess for some weird instance it matters now.

i am not so easy to open up myself and what my thoughts are to friends... its the fear  of being misunderstood as always seems to be the thing that actually inhibits me from  sharing much of my thoughts... not to mention the notion that it would probably just bore them away anyway.  i do not think i live a particularly interesting life... that is my point of view anyway.

"anybody who paints and sees a sky green and pastures blue ought to be sterilized." - adolph hitler

expression... perhaps that is the reason why i write journal... i wish to be understood but by people who are interested in reading them... sadly i have stopped.  i have no readers anymore... and though i have said i would write for myself, it seems that my self is not enough reason. 

it is a struggle to be understood... i am somehow aware that that is everyone's struggle as well... being understood is like some sort of validation of existence. to be understood is in some way a discovery of kindred spirit... a unity and common ground in a universe of diversity.

"man is least himself when he talks in his own person.  give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."  - oscar wilde

i would gladly share my inner most thoughts and feelings... speak out my opinion on matters or share a theory or two... crack a joke or show flashes of wit... but only without fear of prejudice and judgment... with out fear of isolation and misunderstanding...

it has been harder for me to write... maybe i ought to paint... green skies, azure fields and pink trees.

 

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay
Listening to: belief - gavin de graw
Watching: world war II bbc special
Feeling: melancholy

the weather echos
POSTED AT 10:29 PM

cruboy

"when so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone." -twilliams

sad... i have not been a good friend lately it seems... but i never would have done so  intentionally, i never liked the idea of enmity...  but then i guess it is unavoidable to  create friction in friendship specially now that there are so many things than could get  in the way... an irony if nothing else really.

i am once again a willing victim of circumstances... guilty beyond unreasonable doubts.   if such end befits a vile person like me, i would take it in hopes that after such penance there is forgiveness. i probably could not pay back all the damages my careless youth have caused... but i was not alone with the choice... to live life.  to learn.  to love. 

funny how the weather seems to echo the feelings i have been having lately... and it seems to compound and worsen by the week's end.  i was unhappily struggling over work the pass few weeks until life happened and it all got confusing and damped.  it is like a well 
orchestrated finale of a concerto... i would have loved to stop and watch everything fall apart but i had to run for cover.

but i am still here... surrounded by the debris of a broken home, failed relationships, estranged friendships... i am still here, in the middle of the shards, splinters and broken pieces...  i am still here... slowly putting them back together.

forgive me if i haven't been a good friend.  but i am still here.

 

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay
Listening to: meant to live - switchfoot
Watching: world war II bbc special
Feeling: hated

secrets tells
POSTED AT 09:46 PM

cruboy

there will always be something that others will never understand.  it seems everyone is  wired that way.  and because of this, there will always be something that cannot be shared... even by the closest of friends.  i think it is important for anyone at the least to understand this fact...

there will always be secrets.

people would always have that skeleton in their closet... the inner demon that torments  them, the anxiety, the fear, the insecurities... these are just some of the things people do not normally share to the public and even to the closest friends or relatives. like a  personal fear that you have to face alone...  

there are also personal stuff that people tend to hide selfishly from the prying public,  and though they may be selfish by reason, it is however essential for self growth and  inner peace. simple activities that makes one happy, meditative... or strenuous and  tiring... a personal mission that you have to accomplish alone.

then there are the perverse secrets each one holds... these are the personal fantasies and fetishes that one keeps hidden as well.

"you're only as sick as your secrets." - anonymous

...nothing remains secret for long.

because all these secrets are manifestation of self, it will eventually become known... we will project them somehow, like a tell in poker... and the worrying part is we normally do not know we are telling them... in actions, choices of words, manner of speech. nothing remains secret.

with keeping secrets is the hidden desire to make it known. why do we tell our closest friends our secrets when we know in truth the best way to keep it, is to keep it to our selves.  yet somehow, we share, and take a risk... in some subconscious way we want to break it in to everyone slowly, like a soft opening of a shop  to see how people take it...  and perhaps understand us in their terms or just be apathetic towards it.

"if you reveal your secrets to the wind, you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees."  - kgibran

just about saturday.

was on a charity poker tournament in this big casino near the airport, tickets courtesy of slin... rubbing elbows with celebrities... anyway, i had an unbelievable start.  with my first hand, i eliminated two players on the river (yugi-oh powers kicking in)... and another one on the next deal.  then there was this other guy who eliminated two more in our  table.  everyone got excited on our table because of the unbelievable pace; players dropping here and there... but then when friends of mine, shay and epoy got eliminated, i felt lonely and eventually lost everything slowly and carelessly.  

maybe next time i will not tilt and play it through.

 

 

 

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay
Listening to: under you - better than ezra

choices and captivity
POSTED AT 10:31 PM

cruboy

i feel imprisoned by an invisible cage... i sometimes get this weird feeling of captivity...  like being trapped in a maze where the corridors don't seem to yield or split; instead it is  just one continuous corridor but twisting and turning making me always think there will be choices somehow ahead... but there is none... and you known there will be this dead end  somewhere along the way but i never seem to get to that point... just turning left or right and still forward on.

it feels like i am in a hurry to get to nowhere... being chased by an imaginary minotaur in this huge labyrinth in my own mind. how could i get lost... there seems to be no turns, no wrong choices, how could i be a prisoner when i am constantly running away... are there really choices, is there really freedom.

"freedom means choosing your burden." - hmenuhin

i don't think one is ever truly free... we are still bound by moral and social rules and our choices are really just reactions based on situations we have no control of.  so if one knows the very influences that affects another's life, one can in fact predetermine another's choice and could actually take control of their lives... life in a tortuous labyrinth with no turns.

happy are those who can pass through walls... the reckless, the carefree... those who do not see choices not because they are unfree but because they are determined.

"liberty: one of imagination's most precious possessions." - abierce

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay
Listening to: must get out - maroon 5
Watching: world war II bbc special
Feeling: unfree

struggles, rivalry and answers from mathematicians
POSTED AT 05:45 PM

cruboy

struggle it seems has been a constant event in life; it is in fact important.  with every  enduring struggle there would always be equally enduring rivals, struggle obviously always have at the least two facets of equal and opposing force. i have stumbled upon a classic rival in  the glorious 17th century, between two mathematical geniuses, rené descartes and blaise pascal... two logical individuals but it was their philosophies that have inspired me to write about the matters of the heart.

it is obvious that there is a clear dichotomy of the human psyche... and these two parts has been in constant struggle with one another ever since we have learned the difference of the two and the consequences of using one or the other. it has always been difficult when to believe one than the other... the two are so different...

heart versus mind... logic versus emotions... each are clearly heavy hitters... this would have been the best heavyweight title bout if there were a boxing match to be arranged. it is a struggle that is a notch lower to the perennial: good versus evil.  i am curious to see the fight... it would be bloody with multiple volleys and counter barrages... but i somehow know the outcome... unlike all great struggles, this one will end in an unsurprising draw.

"i think, therefore i am." -rené descartes

i have been a logical person, or i think i was.  i believed that numbers have governed our modern lives, everything that is happening are calculated, business, politics, world economy, war... everything relies on information that involves number crunching... information today are so  accurately reliable and available that most of our decisions are based on this. 

all actions therefore are always with reasons, the consequences have been weighed, the odds have been  predicted, the limits derived and the net gained summed.  i have been a logical person...

"the heart has reasons that reason does not know." -blaise pascal

i have come into realization that not all decisions are entirely based on logic or reasons, in fact most of the major decisions of our lives are entirely emotional.  there has not been any equations that factors in happiness, fear, insecurities, trust and faith. 

not all actions have to have a reason, there are just some actions that have to be done just because it has to. there are decisions that have to be based on the unknowns, that other factors that are insubstantial nevertheless, matters greatly. 

it seems that decisions have to be of both mind and heart to be truly become the right choice. too logical approach would be cold, too emotional approach would be selfish. it would have to be a perfect blend of both... a draw... tough? i know... that is perhaps the reason why it is a struggle in the first place...

we have to be logical with our decisions but it also have to agree with what is in our heart.  those that are life threatening must be decided logically but those  that are life changing are always matters of the heart.

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay
Listening to: i try - macy gray
Watching: world war II bbc special
Feeling: mellow

abstract family portrait
POSTED AT 09:04 PM

cruboy

"i don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich."  - dwilcox  

i have always seen it as an advantage to having a close family relation, unfortunately i never had that advantage. i was born and raised almost like an only child. ten years after i had a brother and another one two years later still. there is obviously a generation gap between my brothers and me, i never was able to relate to them or them to me until much later in life... when i can talk to them and they know more than half of what i know already.

i never have been to any of the family reunions my relatives have set; i am only close to a handful of cousins, uncles and aunts. i used to stay in my aunt's house during summer vacation and that was the closest bounding i had with relatives, and i was pretty close to my cousins then... but we all grew up and we all become estranged.

my father side of the family was big at fourteen siblings, some have manage to make it in big strides while others still just trudging along.  i found out that my great grandmother was a famous boudaville singer and stage actress, and was really great looking... most of my father's side cousins seem to have gotten that trait while i perhaps am just a misplaced strain.

my mother side of the family was almost as big at twelve, some have manage to make it in stride while others seem to enjoy the comfort of the simple life in the province. i found out that my great grandfather was a famous provincial judge of a wealthy decent. my grandfather on the other hand was disowned: a promising lawyer who fell in love to a barrio girl who not approved by his parents. my grandfather died when my mother was only three years old. i admire my grandmother for surviving all eleven of my uncles and aunts.

funny how i am talking about family history when mine just went as one. i guess it had been difficult to my parents getting married early in their lives.  my mom at sixteen conceived me, i was a love child, an accident really.  my father did marry my mother four months later but it had been tough for them both. my dad was fresh graduate of accounting while my mother was finishing high school. she eventually graduated college with a double degree but i don’t think she really have enjoyed it entirely with me to be worried about and taken care of.

by college, each of them could not live with one another anymore so they decided to leave the house. now it is just me and my brothers with an occasional weekend visit between my parents.  each one trying to live life without the complications of one another.  in some twisted way, this set up has made me much closer to my siblings, and we have learned to live independently and i guess a little more responsible with ourselves.

i cannot help sometimes to be afraid however of the uncertainty of it all, it would be nice to have some sense of security that an actual family brings... i never would want any form of tragedy that would unite this family back... i do not think that would be the best reason.  

 

 

 

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book two: the wandering fi - g gavriel kay
Listening to: family portrait - pink