deepwater
POSTED AT 11:03 AM

cruboy

at least everything seems to be slowing down in work town, hopefully by next week i would not be as hectic... well maybe for at least the next two weeks... looks like there is another big project being brewed in and will be ready by then... hopefully the xp's i have earned will make this nothing but a long speed bump.

i have not been as active physically since my flu episode... call it a series of bad and incredible luck...  like yesterday for example, trip to basketball planet was cancelled due to power failure... how incredible 
was that... i guess there are always the first for something. i do not want to even start with the past wet  weeks we suffered through.  worst attendance ever... i guess the law of averages has caught up on me... now at least i have friday night swimming, a bit odd for a schedule considering its friday... not to mention a lot of things happens on friday, but it seems i have been desperate for anything strenuous so an hour in the water is all fine with me.

"you cannot run away from weakness; you must fight it out or perish. and if that be so, why not now, and  where you stand?" - rlstephenson

fear of deep water... i like the water, i like being in it swimming. i can swim and go under water and  surface again but the funning thing is i could never tread water... i would have to cross the deepest part 
of the pool or go around it. i guess this fear was born out from a traumatic experience with the pool way  back when i was eight... a cousin of mine drag me into the deep part of the pool saying there is a coin on  the floor i had to get.  so i dove in and grabbed the coin, but somehow the way up was too long for my short  body then and i was starting to suck in water.  i could see the surface but i could never seem to go over  it.  i was half drowned when i was pooled up by somebody... i was coughing out water and shivering.  i never went back in the pool that day.

but the fear slowly resided specially when you have swimming for physical education in grade school, so  there is no escape from the pool for me. it had been difficult then, i never was a confident swimmer and 
admittedly, i still am not... but in cases of emergencies, i think i can rely on this particular skill... well shamefully perhaps saving myself... besides slin thought me a particularly odd technique on what to do  in deep water but i think i would drown laughing doing it.

deepwater did not kill me then; i hope it made me stronger. 

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book three the darkest road -ggkay
Listening to: glad - tyler hilton
Feeling: and cool

me, myself and discovery
POSTED AT 08:55 PM

cruboy

me, myself...

i have been reduced to a one-man department now... it is amazing how you could just be your own boss in your own department with nobody else but yourself... well maybe it has its pros and cons but i think it is just fine...

with this much freedom, there are no restriction regarding problem solving... one can try different methodologies, no restriction in approaches... but then of course any wrong turns can only be pointed to yourself... i guess one has to be responsible for his decisions and actions.  i have just realized how much courage it takes to be free.  the prospect of failure is always at the back of my mind, but i have to do what i am supposed to do.  this set up has made me thread through work more carefully.  nobody else is there to back me up... i have to make my own.

with out an immediate superior, i am able to allot my time to whatever activities i think will help me be more creative or productive. free time is think time... i am able to pace myself to the tempo i think i can do the work effectively... i can go fast finishing everything in a zip; or i can take my time on a subject, to be more familiarized or to spend a little extra time for details just because... this set up has taught me how to be accountable with my time.  i have learned that if i slack there will be inevitably some catching up to be done soon...

i guess it is important to learn to be self-reliant, self-disciplined and self-managed... one has to know when to be lenient or to be harsh with oneself regarding failures; to be rewarding or to be pampering with oneself regarding successes.  to take in responsibilities that one can handle effectively... one has to know the limits of his capabilities and strength but also his weakness and inadequacies. 

i know myself just enough... there are so much things i need to learn about myself, so many things i still do not understand.  i was asked "what question do i ask myself most often?" it was then i realized i really could not answer the question because there were so many things i ask of myself...  in my mind i always wanted to know: why am i so? what am i doing? how can i change? 

it seems that life is a discovery of self.

"to the question of your life you are the answer, and to the problems of your life you are the solution." -jcordare

me, myself...

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book three the darkest road -ggkay
Listening to: another perfect day - american hi-fi
Watching: prison break season 1
Feeling: thirsty

clash and yield
POSTED AT 08:01 PM

cruboy

clash for principles... people come into disagreement... i think that is inevitable.

"he who angers you conquers you."-ekenny

people are wired different from one another... each have their own values, priorities, methods of work, sense of time, taste, and appreciation of anything.  with such wide difference, it would be impossible not to hit disagreement. 

disagreement is basically a clash of principle; it is never anything about who is the strongest or the wittiest or smartest... in a clash of principle, everyone has an equal foothold. a battle like this could go on forever... principles are like the last bastion that has to be defend at all cost... and in extreme cases, some have died because of it... for me, that is not very wise.  an unyielding principle is just as tragic as having none.

"in matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current." -tjefferson

but with a contest where there is no exact advantage, like a clash of principles would there be a winner? apparently, there would be one.  the irony of it is all is that the winners in such contests are the ones who have given in first.  not given in the sense that one has abandoned his principle but the one who first tries to understand the other.

"i have never in my life learned anything from any man who agreed with me." - dfmalone

such battles could never end until one yields to understand.  disagreement stops as soon as understanding is around. i guess if we take time to learn and understand one another, despite our differences of everything else, disagreement could be minimized if not avoided.

yield to understanding...  

 

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book three the darkest road -ggkay
Listening to: still frame - trapt
Feeling: yielded

on the edge of reason
POSTED AT 10:18 PM

cruboy

...on the edge of reason 

it has been awhile again since i have written anything over... it seems that i have been distracted or over worked or enjoying my hobbies to much or plainly out of the mood to write... perhaps i have ran out of anything noteworthy... no reason to  write...

"but, logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large  quantities." -ejmdpdunsany

to be honest with myself... i should have had a lot to write about these past few weeks of silence... and it is obvious that it had been a struggle to write anything cohesive... it seems i am still trying here. i think i have stepped on to the edge of reason and i am carelessly treading this thin line... would i fall on to the right side, of logic and reason or would i fall over the edge... in to the unknown and uncertainty.

i think i have fallen off... i am not distracted, i am disoriented... i am focused into something i cannot figure out... wanting to understand the circumstances has brought me to the edge and disastrously fallen off.

"i suppose it is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts."  -gbburgin

it feels like a bottomless pit... im spiralling into nothingness it seems... 
perhaps i am insignificant. i am useless. i have known that from the beginning and somehow i was hopeful... hopeful that i would find my purpose... i am now however doubtful... 

i think i have fallen off...

 

Reading: the fionavar tapestry book three the darkest road -ggkay
Listening to: more to life - stacie orrico
Watching: over there season one
Feeling: doubtful