the meaning of it all
POSTED AT 06:33 PM

cruboy

a late post

"being is. being is in-itself. being is what it is." - jpsartre

man. this month has been a blur... it's a full throttle race... going in circles with no finish line...life is a blur.  i need to do some full stop and refuel before i crash or burn out... one of which is bound to happen.  there are so many other things i want to do but there's always something other pressing matter that comes along which does not really concern me some to think of it really. well, not directly anyway... or 
maybe directly... i do not know... all i know is "do i really need to give a damn?"  i guess i do, cause i find myself getting troubled by it. huff.

anyway, tomorrow i will be out of the office to search for the meaning of life... that was the reason i put in my vacation leave, anyway... i find it absurd that the form had to ask the reason for a vacation leave... is it not that obvious... anyway i was obligated to write a more profound reason to file a vacation leave other than taking a vacation... sheesh.  what better quest to write down other than to find the meaning of 
everything as it is... maybe i should have wrote down... in search of the golden fleece or the holy grail or the philosopher’s stone or the fountain of youth, but then they seem trivial compared to the meaning behind existence.

to find the meaning of life... maybe that was too profound... i do not think a trip to subic would answer that... or maybe it would... i do not know... besides i have been harassed by work to even be excited to go... ok maybe i'm excited a little bit, i just don't want to expect too much i guess... in fact, what is there to expect about the meaning of life... it could just be a deep inner voice inside my head saying "carpe diem”, some other movie cliché..., or some wonderful scenery with a rainbow straight from a post card of some exotic jungle that i never been to... or some charitable work in the most miserable slum feeding the starving... it could be some weird blissful state of high which i have already experienced and not recognized.

what would i say if my boss asks what i find to be the meaning of life?  i would have to answer: "well, it is a process, really.  i'd probably need a few more days interspersed through the year to get a clear picture of what the meaning of life is." i could imagine his thick brows joining in annoyance...

thinking about it: what is the meaning of life? is the wrong question to ask... logically it makes no sense. life has no meaning on its own if not taken into context of a person and the totality of being derived from different aspects put together; like friends, family, achievements, failures, aspirations and so on. living gives life meaning.  

"the search is what anyone would undertake if he were not sunk in the everydayness of his own life. to become aware of the possibility of the search is to be onto something. not to be onto something is to be in despair." - wpercy

he would probably think this was a waste of time, that those two days would not be enough for me to know the meaning of life anyway.  he will not believe this, but in that brief moment of taking time to find the meaning of it all is the meaning after all...

Reading: the griffin and sabine trilogy
Listening to: eels - god damn right it's a beautiful day
Watching: skins season 3
Feeling: calm

disasters and extinctions
POSTED AT 06:47 PM

cruboy

i guess the prospect of a dissatisfied client is definitely alarming... wait... a big client is most definitely alarming... i can hear the air raid sirens going in my head.

so how do you stop a disaster that is about to happen... can i possibly sandbag myself to safety against an approaching tsunami, or sleep sound fully in a penthouse of a high rise building in an impending earthquake, or forcibly hold myself down with straws in an on going tornado... i do not think i can... i can only hope to survive to tell the tale of it at all. 

"perhaps catastrophe is the natural human environment, and even though we spend a good deal of energy trying to get away from it, we are programmed for survival amid catastrophe." - ggreer

i guess like with all disaster, something that may or may not happen which often does happen, one can only be prepared for the worst of it and eventually live out the consequences after.  i suppose humans are quite remarkable to be able to survive through disaster after disaster... i mean, we are still here (that or the worse is yet to come).  somehow, the human race has a way to adapt, cope and work around disasters.

i wonder if this resilience can be applied to my situation... maybe not... i suppose this disaster is the mother of it all... extinction level event. i guess it is a sign of an end of an age... i guess in the field of work, i have become to be somewhat like a dinosaur on the end of an evolution.  a species so ancient, out of date that nature has condemned to be fossilized and turned into petroleum for a new set of species.  have i become an old dog that can not learn new tricks, have i dulled my sharp thoughts... are my quills 
lost its ink... has my fountain of ideas run dry...

i think i am losing the power to conjure something new, radical, current... i have somehow antiquated myself, i have gathered dust and cobwebs, left corroding and fading.  disaster indeed.  i have only a few days to evolve into a new specie what nature have done in measure of epochs and eras to survive this impending disaster...      
    
"anytime you suffer a setback or disappointment, put your head down and plow ahead."-lesbrown

Reading: through a glass, darkly -
Listening to: fall for you - secondhand serenade
Watching: house season five
Feeling: aggravated