* just watched This is It. there was this huge lump at my throat when the picture froze and i knew i was the end. it was heartbreaking. MJ is awwwwwwesome! hay. too bad he’s dead.

* i ran across this small stall of portraits at festival mall yesterday. i learned about Soft Pastel, a very convenient material that i could use in creating paintings. pwede na sa illustration board damn! they offer tutorials na 2 hours a day pwede icustomize ang schedule. may gagawin nako this summer

*naiisip ko na. ang kawalan ng social life pag nagsimula nako magmasters. pero nararamdaman ko ang matinding suporta ng mga kasama ko sa trabaho. lalo na ng bossing kong si DRUNT (thank God he’s my boss). for that GAGALINGAN KO " class="wp-smiley" />

* i WILL renew my Readers Digest subscription when the company hands out our bonus it’s a very very useful read. very handy and very packed. it keeps the brain working in a work as toxic as ours MUST HAVE

* my new dream is to watch Cynthia Alexander perform live

* sana po Lord mahiritan ko na sila. may plano nako e. sa Rosario Pasig ako titira malapit kina unai. everything just fits.

* music. will keep me sane.

* weeee pasukan na!! kelangan ko nang bumili ng bagong notebook! bolpen! makakabili na ulit ako ng bluebook!! waaaaaaahahahaha!!

* may nakilala ako! si EBUGA, section manager ng clinic at certified iskolar din pala! bago kong inspirasyon sa pagmamasters

to be continued (nagagalit na nanay ko lol)

wee! one of my must-do items check!

FINALLY got to the NU rock awards

but i think what i enjoyed more, was my reunion with former roomates Rona and Alessa. They were my roommates of 3years at tita Belle’s house in UP. i super enjoyed their company and i realized i missed them alot. we have to do this more often! the dinner was good too we had it at Pier 1 right in front of the World Trade Center. i have always loved baked tahong lol. " class="wp-smiley" />

The first two hosts were “gahhh”. But Iza Calzado and Ramon Bautista were REALLY cool. they were a good pair. Iza was game with all of Ramon’s antics, Ramon was a delight to see i think whatever he does or says is funny :p You should’ve seen Iza do the Ku-kupaw!! thing ala-Razorback it was soooo cool. haha.

Lots of good looking guys, but there’s this photographer that caught me and lessie’s eyes and ronnie even took a picture of him hahaha. the three of us sat near the entrance of the room and did some people-watching. me and lessie were also looking for people who should line up for Master Hair Gel’s contest for made up hair hahha.

80% of the crowd was in black. ronnie was wearing white, lessie was in purple, and i was in yellow. lol.

The Juan dela Cruz Band’s performance was the most amusing, well it’s the first time i saw strippers dancing inside cages “like that” heheh. Nice place eh?

Ivan Garcia is my new favorite person. he won bassist of the year for Hilera and he’s such a cute awkward little thing lol.

It’s my first time to see Up Dharma Down live i think… Armi’s voice is amazing. I also liked the ending where they left the stage one by one and the whole sound was chaotic white noise. they should’ve just left a moment of silence afterwards just so we’d know it’s over :p

Ebe now looks like he doesn’t take a bath. Congrats to him though for being vocalist of the year, him and Armi.

Razorback is still cool as ever " class="wp-smiley" />

there’s this new band FRanco. the vocalist is hot. he looks older than he is. i’m just not sure about their advocacy to spread understanding bout the “herb”. to legalize maybe?

I also liked Echo. another indie band… the vocalist has such a powerful voice, and i love how they were able to catch the crowd.

Drummer of Kamikazee was drummer of the year. " class="wp-smiley" />

Peryodiko took home alot of awards, including best new artist. i only know one song from them though.

(those in my new must-have list include Corporate Lo-fi. veteran musicians from different bands came together for this exciting group. ronnie mentioned them to me and i’m looking them up as soon as i can. my new dream is to also see Cynthia Alexander live )

My big frustration here is the crowd. because it was the “Rock awards” i was expecting a more responsive crowd, but dang almost everyone just STOOD THERE. i mean huh?? i think only about 10% of the crowd were giving in to the music. tsktsk. is it because most of the crowd were composed of rich kids? i mean so what? i’m just not sure about those in the VIP section but they probably wouldn’t move too much cuz they wouldn’t want to sweat their expensive outfits or trip in their heels. but i dunno it was just quite disappointing. now i know why alot of bands love performing in the UP fair. the energy is much different.

mapipigti nalang yung litid nung kumakanta tinititigan parin sya ng tao hahaha

the performance of Higante was really nice. it was cool to see Francis M’s kid in there giving it all he’s got. " class="wp-smiley" />

too bad we had to leave early. but then again Santi would’ve caught up with us if we didn’t.

Song of the year: Antukin
Album of the year: Bipolar.

I’ll update this with the complete list when i get one.

First. SUMMER was beautiful. i’ve seen her in several other films, but this one… she seemed to be the total personification of SUMMER. lol.

who wouldn’t fall in love with that smile.

Second. This movie… it affected me so. it makes you kind of reassess what love really is. Beyond the customary labels. these things tend to make you think “well hey i’m his girlfriend of course i love him”.

I’m thinking. How many of us have really been loved? how many of us will live a lifetime without really BEING LOVED?

How many of us have pushed away people not knowing that they have loved us the way no one else really can?

But then again you see Summer. she really isn’t apologetic about anything at all. In this crazy world of blurred lines and gray areas and shits like that, she knows where she stands, she’s got herself in check. and that’s not easy.

Some people would rather oversimplify things just because they don’t want to accept the fact that the world is complicated. that we have gradients and gradients of contexts and shades. I think, only when we are able to fully realize how complex life is, will we have the capacity to simplify it according to how we choose.

Going back to those months i remembered, what can you do when he really doesn’t love you? when it’s just not there?

“I woke up and i was sure of something that i wasn’t sure of when i was with you.”

As i was watching this film i saw all flashbacks of those men and the things that they told me. If only to just mask the fact that they do not really love me. Or at least do not love me enough. Or do not love me enough ANYMORE. Or shit just happens.

Tom said you just wake up and you realize it’s there.

I wonder how many mornings i’ll have to wake up to. Before the it finally sees me. Before i finally see it.

I just realized, the word love has a whole new meaning right now.

I think i’ll just have to endure Autumn for the meantime.

*the newbie is always the slave

*do more to accommodate more.

*most say i’m innocent. i wonder if i am.

*it will be quite a while before i find the one who really is for me.

*i do not understand how accepting and understanding can be hard for some but i guess that’s the case.

*to have all you want infront of you and still not want it seems silly but you know what to do.

*i will be one helluvan engineer. *wink*

*i think being organized is in the genes. AND I JUST DON’T HAVE IT. lol.

*i will finish my masters.

*to learn to follow my instincts REGARDLESS. that’s the challenge.

*i will get back to painting i swear.

*i realized that compared to my blogposts from way way back, i have learned to shorten my posts. haha. i am learning the art of brevity yehesss.
*to learn to control myself.

*to get rich haha.

*i will be better.

I CAN DO THIS.

I really really REALLY want to be able to take my masters in MatE.

It’s one of my significant goals at this point.

Goal one is being able to immerse myself in the manufacturing industry, and striving to be a better person/engineer by being in a tough tough environment. That’s why I’m here in A*kor. " class="wp-smiley" />

So the next one, is to be able to start with my masters. and FINISH IT. Gusto ko kasi talaga magspecialize. Hindi pa malinaw kung anong gusto ko gawin pagkatapos. May ideya ako pero sigurado ako nasa linyang ito. Hehehe. (Jackie don’t forget our company I’m already befriending our VP ill take over him soon hahahaha)

Hindi naman ako nagaambisyon na tapusin to on time kasi alam ko yung sched ko sa work nakakamatay e. pero gusto ko nang SIMULAN. Ngayon na.

I’m worried na pag diko sinimulan, baka masyado nakong maabsorb sa vacuum ng workforce. Yung gumigising at nabubuhay nalang para pumasok umuwi gumimik matulog. Haha. May katamaran pa naman ako. May tendency na mawalan ng gana. Kaya kailangan kumilos na.

Ok nako sa peyups, thankfully natanggap ako sa department namin sa MatE. PERO, kailangan ko ng scholarship. Hindi ako mairaraos ng sweldo ko. Graaaabe. So yun. PCASTRD lang ang may provision for part time graduate studies. So I went for it.

ONLY to find out. That they now discourage part time studying. During the interview they questioned my ability to finish and make it in graduate studies. Mahirap daw kasi isabay sa work. Mahirap din imaintain yung focus. Etcetera. At meron pa daw ako mga bagsak. Hahaha. UP Engg friends, can we all just roar in unison?? I mean who the hell else knows how effin hard it is to pass every damned thing in that place! Rarrr.

But then again. They said it would be very hard for me to focus. They said I might just be like the many people who tried, but eventually stopped. I really do acknowledge their concerns. Totoo naman hindi talaga ako kagalingan nung college hehe. Masipag na kung masipag pero, umm basta I know my faults. I know it will be hard. I can’t even say for certain na kakayanin ko. Pero lalang, for this one, I can really feel the drive.

Thing about me is that I find it hard to do things without knowing why. Which is probably why even after all these years, I’m not really a fan of blind faith. Well I’m a fan of listening to the heart, the instincts, and all those illogical things, at least as long as I know WHY.

So for this one, I’m taking this kasi may end akong gustong abutin. I don’t do this just because it’s the “next level”. Gahh I wouldn’t even bother if that was the case e pobre lang kami haha. I’ve seen materials engineering in a different light after ko pasukin ang kumpanya namin. And I want to develop this budding passion I have for manufacturing. I really, really wanna do this.

So yun. It hurt to be told those things, knowing you want it so badly. Pero they have valid concerns. I walked out of that interview feeling so so sooooo low. My hopes were slim.

Just this afternoon I received a letter from DOST. When I learned it from work I was jumping for joy. I thought I was accepted.

When I got to read it upon getting home. I didn’t know how I’d feel.

I didn’t pass their grade qualifications. I technically am not qualified.

BUT they seem to be giving me a shot at it: They will grant me the scholarship for the next schoolyear IF I pass 9 UNITS on my own this semester.

Natulala ako don. Si jackie nakausap ko sabi nya hirap daw siya this sem dahil sa work sched. E si JACKIE NA YUN!! 6 units palang yun " class="wp-smiley" /> " class="wp-smiley" /> " class="wp-smiley" />

Pero ang good thing naman sakin, is that si boss ay willing na iadjust ang worksched ko sa schedule ng subjects. I can choose a weekday for my day off, and another during the weekend.

Pero gahh sheesh. 9 UNITS? With work?? Is that possible? Calling people who know, can I take 3 relatively easier subjects for next sem?

The thing is, YES I am thinking of rising up to that challenge. I’ve been saving up for the past few months, supposedly for my independence (at dahilan kung bakit pobre ako lagi). But now I realized sakto lang sya halos sa magiging tuition ko sa upcoming semester.

Tapos wala lang, parang gusto ko lang subukan din ang sarili ko. Kung ano ba ang kakayanin ko. Kaya ko bang magtiis ng limang buwan? Mairaraos ko ba ang sarili ko? Makakalaban ba ako? Mapagsasabay ko ba sila? Am i THAT GOOD? I’m quite used to things being fed to me. Quite used to good heavens just suddenly giving me favors. Naranasan ko lang ata lumaban… para sa ex ko e. hahaha. Na ngayon ay wala na rin naman. Lol. (Biglang emo-sh*t daw o haha)

ANYWAY. I’m thinking. It would be extremely. EXTREMELY HARD. 3subjects.UP. Hanep. Tas wala pakong pang-allowance. Tas sa Laguna pako nakatira.

My God pano ko mairaraos yun.

At ngayon nga wala nakong social life halos. Pano pa nun?? O would it be better kasi I’ll always have an excuse to go out? Hahaha. Maybe the mobility would stretch. Hmmm.

Alam niyo yun. I’m thinking of doing it. 5months. If I survive next sem I will be one of the proudest people alive. IF I GET THAT SCHOLARSHIP THAT THEY THINK I DON’T DESERVE. Isabay pa dyan ang pagiging PE. Nakowww ang galing ko siguro nun.hahaha.

Pero, why not? Why not give it a shot?? or am i just being too naive in here?